


Sun hath clouded over

by BeccaWrites



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: AU - Bella moved to forks later, Carlisle uses pet names and endearments and it's hella cute, Charlie kinda has traumas he superimposes on Bella, Cullen family dynamics, Emmett being a bro, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fluff and occasional angst, No beta- we die like men, POV: third person - Bella, Slow Burn, Work In Progress, and so did the Cullens, eventual mature content, introspection is a big theme, introverted people, vanille sex (lol)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 65,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25880920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaWrites/pseuds/BeccaWrites
Summary: Bella moves to Forks at the age of 25 to help Charlie out, but as we know, a certain vampire family also lives in Forks...When Bella falls for the married, but sexy as sin Dr. Cullen, what will she do? And when they do come together, how will she navigate the family dynamics of the Cullens? Adding her to the family is difficult on all participants. Throw some drama with the other supernatural and normal inhabitants of sleepy Forks, and you have this story.Big themes in this story are: family dynamics, introspection, growing up and 'real life' hardships. Issues that you and I could come across are more foregrounded than the supernatural, mythical issues - those mostly form a backdrop for the more human problems Bella encounters.Will be adding tags as we go along! (so as not to spoil parts of the story yet to come.)Uploads every Friday!
Relationships: Carlisle Cullen/Bella Swan
Comments: 107
Kudos: 231





	1. Moving (on)

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1!! Let's goooooo!

The sun shone brightly, and the heat woke Bella up. She groaned, frustrated at herself that she hadn’t closed the blinds before going to bed late last night. Downstairs, she could hear the noises of Renee making breakfast. A glance at the clock told her Phil was already out for work.   
With a yawn, she climbed out of bed and closed the blinds against the heat, then padded downstairs.   
“Hi mom, how are you feeling?” she asked as she entered the kitchen and fixed her own breakfast. Renee laughed, sounding giddy. “I’m great! Thank you for asking, honey.”  
Bella couldn’t help but smile in response to her mother’s joy.   
“Are you all set for leaving tonight?” Renee inquired, joining her daughter at the kitchen table.   
Bella nodded slowly. “Yeah, I just need to pack the truck and prepare some food.”   
“Charlie asked to call when you leave,” Renee added.   
Bella looked up, suppressing a smile. “I know, he texted me to say he expects regular updates of the journey.”  
Both mother and daughter were quiet for a while.  
“It’s quite a drive,” Renee then mentioned. “47 hours is… You could still take a plane.”  
Bella shrugged. “I like driving. And I want to keep my car. It’s sturdy. And I can take all my stuff with me.” She thought of the furniture she had already loaded in the back of her truck. And the many boxes of books. She wanted to leave her room as empty as possible, paving the way for Renee and Phil to turn it into a nursery.   
“What will you do when you arrive in Forks?” Renee asked, though she did not sound concerned. Her tone was dreamy, half-distracted, but warm.   
Bella shrugged again. “Help out dad with the renovations. Read.” She hesitated before adding, “maybe finding a job and an apartment.” She didn’t want to be a financial burden to her father, and had insisted on paying rent from the moment she arrived there. Sensible living, going to an affordable college, and holding down a steady job at the local bookstore had left her with no debts and a reasonable amount of savings. Before she made plans to leave for Washington, she had intended to stay around in Jacksonville, find a nice apartment and a different, better paying job, stay close to Renee and Phil and maybe help out with the baby. But then Charlie had called to ask if she wanted to stay the summer again, implying he would appreciate it if she could help around the house, and it seemed like a perfect opportunity. While she had not enjoyed Forks at all when she was younger, she started spending summers there again after her 18th birthday and they had grown closer. Charlie was nice - quiet, non-intrusive, worried like only a father would worry about his child, and he didn’t hover. He was worlds away from Renee - carefree, giddy Renee. Bella had practically raised herself.   
It hadn’t been all bad - Renee had always very obviously cared about Bella, despite her own immaturity, and Bella - she supposed she didn’t mind.   
“I’m just going to clean the last few things, make sure the room is all empty,” she announced, eating the last few bites of breakfast on her plate. “Is there anything else you want me to do before I start packing the truck?” Bella was fairly sure that Renee wouldn’t think of anything - Bella had planned her move with Phil mostly, and had already checked the house a few times to double check if she hadn’t left any of her personal belongings. This move would be permanent. It felt permanent.   
“No, no, I don’t think so.” Renee’s attention had already diverted to something else, and Bella smiled indulgently. 

By five in the afternoon, Bella had her truck all packed, including a cool box filled with drinks and food. She ate an early, quiet dinner with Renee and Phil, and then made way towards the door.   
“Drive safe,” Phil said, “let us know when you arrive.”  
Bella turned a little, looking at her mom and new husband over her shoulder. “I will, don’t worry.” Renee blinked away a few tears, but Bella didn’t reach closer to hug her again. It was time to go, to make space in their life for their own child.   
She hopped into her truck, tossed her rucksack on the passenger seat and revved the engine. With one last wave goodbye, she backed out of her parking spot and hit the road.   
The first few hours of the drive were pleasant - she had the recently replaced car radio on, and was in familiar territory. As soon as she was out of state, though, she had to start paying more attention to road signs.   
She made it all the way to the outer edge of Nashville before she had to get gas. So she did, and took an hour break to eat and clean herself up a bit. Still feeling more than awake enough to drive for a few more hours, she got into her truck again and drove until she had to get gas again, making a dent of about 16 hours in her 47-hour long journey.   
Wanting to save money, she decided to sleep in her car instead of going to a motel.   
After a few hours of fitful sleeping, she hit the road again, doing two more sessions of roughly eight hours driving before she stopped for the night again, this time at a motel. She made her final stop at a nondescript motel in Spokane.   
“Hi there, room for one, just for tonight?” she offered the bored-looking receptionist, who was slow to move even when Bella had made her request.  
With a minimal amount of words spoken, Bella paid for a room, got keys and was on her way. 

Freshly showered and with brushed teeth, she felt human again. The bed was lumpy and the sheets not particularly soft, but then again, she paid the absolute minimum for her room so it didn’t matter that much. If she’d wanted premium quality, she would also have to pay for that and she wanted to be careful with her money.   
Before falling asleep she send an obligatory text to Charlie to update him. _In Spokane for the night, will drive to Forks tomorrow - B._

Charlie was visibly relieved when Bella parked her truck on his driveway, behind the police cruiser. He wasn’t one for hugs, so Bella didn’t push him into one. “Hi dad.”  
“It’s good to see you, sweetie,” Charlie said, voice soft, trying to hide the emotion in it, Bella guessed. “How was the drive?”  
Bella smiled. “About as good as one can expect, I guess.”  
“I hadn’t expected you for another day or so,” Charlie mentioned as he took her bag. They walked back to the truck together, taking off the tarp to reveal the furniture and moving boxes underneath.   
“I kept on driving until I needed more gas and stopped for the night after refilling gas twice,” she explained.   
Charlie frowned, but didn’t show his dislike for her rigorous driving in any other way than that.   
“Billy brought by some of Harry’s fried fish for tonight - we can heat it up anytime you like,” he instead offered, looking at all the stuff she’d hauled with her.   
“That’s nice,” Bella followed his gaze. “Should we unpack now?”   
Charlie checked his watch. “Might as well. Want me to call Billy to ask his son if he can help you haul some of this stuff upstairs?”  
Thinking of her sore muscles and the amount of trouble it was getting all of her stuff in the truck - even with Phil’s help - , she quickly and gratefully agreed.   
While Charlie made the phone call, Bella went up to investigate her old room, or more, the guest bedroom. It hadn’t been her room, since, well, ever. She couldn’t remember living in Forks as a toddler, before Renee and Charlie had divorced, but with this room being the only other bedroom in the house other than the master, it had fulfilled the function of being her room the many summers that she stayed here, and being a guest room the rest of the year.  
Charlie had attempted to make it a little more cosy, she noticed. Clean bedsheets, a small radio on the nightstand and some of the books she’d left here over the years on top of the wardrobe. There would certainly be space for at least her bookcases if she moved the furniture around a little. The small desk that was there now didn’t have enough space for her stuff, so she’d have to get rid of that, and put the desk she’d brought there. She’d rip off the wallpaper and paint the room - maybe a soft, sunny yellow, that would remind her of the heat in Jacksonville.   
Lost in her thoughts of rearranging furniture and trying different paint colours for the room in her mind, she didn’t hear Charlie’s irregular, heavy steps going up the stairs.  
“Billy said he’d send Jacob over, but he’d be maybe an hour.”  
Alarmed, Bella raised her head, calming almost immediately when she registered Charlie on the threshold. “You scared me,” she half-laughed.   
“Thinking about what you want to do with the room?” Charlie guessed, knowing his daughter's love for redecorating and renovating.   
Bella raised her hands, laughing. “Caught me red-handed, dad.”  
Charlie chuckled. “It’s nice to see you so at ease here.” He remembered when she’d protested against visiting only a few years ago, and fearing it would be the end of his bond with his daughter.  
Bella too, remembered that and responded with an easy smile. “I’m happy to be here. It’s about time you renovate this dingy house. When was the last time you painted, or bought new furniture?”  
Charlie looked at the floor. “Renee was the last one who did anything here.”  
Bella walked up to him and nudged him aside with her shoulder. “No moping allowed. Let’s heat up that fish while we wait for Jacob.”


	2. Renovations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella starts the renovations at Charlie's house.

Jacob had turned into a bear of a man, Bella noted as he got out of his car. “Have you gotten _even_ bigger?” she asked with a laugh and he shrugged. “Not sure.” He caught her for a hug and squeezed her tightly, making her cough and laugh at the same time. She returned the hug all the same though, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing in retaliation - though she was sure he didn’t feel a thing.  
“It’s good to see you again, Bella,” Jacob said as he let her go, his tone warm.  
“I’m happy to be back,” she replied lightly, patting his arm. “Now, let’s get this stuff out of my truck and upstairs. I’m thinking we’ll put as much of it as we can on the landing - I’m planning on painting the room and it would be a hassle to move them into the room, and then out again when I’ll get to painting.”  
“Sure.”  
“Want me to get in the truck so I can hand you stuff?” Bella suggested.  
Jacob grinned. “Are you sure you’ll be able to lift those bookcases?”  
Bella hit his arm. “I’m not that weak! I got them in there, too.” She climbed into the back, finding her footing and moved the box closest to her, lifting it and handing it to Jacob. He took it from her and walked inside. It took her a few seconds - and the sound of the loudly creaking, protesting stairs - that he intended to bring everything upstairs in one go.  
She sighed, but was quietly relieved at not having to do any more heavy lifting.  
The boxes went quickly - Jacob was fast and didn’t complain, whistling as he took boxes and brought them upstairs. Charlie offered to help three times, but Jacob politely declined and Bella shrugged, “Jacob seems to be doing fine, dad, no need to strain yourself,” making Charlie go back inside. She could vaguely hear the noises of the TV - there was a game on.  
Her other furniture - it honestly wasn’t much, a desk and chair, five bookcases and a ladder that went with the bookcases. The room in Jacksonville hadn’t been large either.  
“Please don’t tell me you want to bring my furniture upstairs yourself, too,” Bella sighed as she handed Jacob her desk chair.  
“It’s nothing,” Jacob assured her, “really, I lift much heavier stuff daily.”  
Bella sighed. “Fine, if you’re sure you don’t want my help…”  
“You’d probably get in the way,” he joked.  
“Ugh,” she responded, thinking he couldn’t hear it from inside the house, but his laugh told her otherwise. 

With Jacob’s help, it had taken a little over an hour to empty out her truck. She walked up the stairs to admire his work, making a low, impressed noise. “I had no idea we had this much space on our landing.”  
“It’s all pushed back against the wall, the boxes are behind these bookcases, so when you’ve finished painting you can put those in your room first, without having to drag the boxes anywhere.”  
“Thanks, Jacob.” She tried to put as much gratefulness in her tone as she could.  
Jacob leaned against the bannister, trying to look casual and failing at it. “So when are you planning on painting?”  
“I haven’t made any plans yet,” she admitted, “I was thinking I’d ask Charlie what he wants me to do first.” With a glance down the stairs, she lowered her voice, “his leg… I’m not sure what he needs.”  
Jacob nodded slowly, feeling the more serious atmosphere and responding accordingly, “I could ask my dad if he knows there’s something that’s been bothering Charlie. We’ll take care of that first.”  
“We?” Bella searched his face, trying to find traces of dishonesty, of doubt, of him realising he’d said “we” instead of “you”.  
But Jacob clearly meant what he said, though he tried to joke it away. “Yeah, I mean, you’re shit at working with electronics and plumbing. I’ve seen you paint and do tilework and it’s always very nice, but…”  
“I won’t be able to pay you,” she warned him. “And I doubt Charlie will be able to spare much, either.”  
“That’s alright,” Jacob hurried to say, “really, I’m happy to be out of the reservation for a bit, and I don’t have any jobs to do right now anyway.”  
“Well…” she sighed. “Thanks.”  
“We’ll take note of what has to be done tomorrow and head to the hardware store after,” Jacob decided. “We can start on minor things first.”  
“That gives us some time to wheedle Charlie’s needs out of him,” Bella recognised the type of game plan; Billy was probably as talkative as Charlie. “Really, thanks, Jacob. It’s nice having you around.” She was fond of him and realised that without him, she might not have had such a good time coming back to Forks every summer. Charlie would drag her along on fishing trips with Billy, and Billy’d bring Jacob with him. They bonded over a mutual dislike of fishing and quickly moved onto other things; half her summers were spent in Billy’s garage, reading, talking, doing small projects while Jacob worked on the cars and other vehicles people would bring to him to fix up.  
Though not part of the tribe in any way, the reservation felt like a second home. The people there knew her and were nice. She had learned how to paint and tile there, hang up shelving units, and do other small renovations. It was nothing like Jacob’s skill set, who could do what she could but was also good at plumbing, electronics and other things she’d always thought were too terrifying to learn.  
Fleetingly, she considered trying to find a house at the reservation; it was close, she enjoyed life there and she assumed the rent and buying prices would be affordable. But she dismissed it almost as quickly as the thought had risen; she wasn’t part of the tribe and didn’t want to disrespect them by making such a move.  
“... Bella?”  
With a start, she raised her head, “yes?”  
“I just lost you there for a minute,” Jacob laughed. “What were you thinking of?”  
She blushed. “Nothing, nothing.” Shaking her head, now fully dismissing the thought, she stepped down the stairs. As her hand slid down the bannister, she considered trying to convince Charlie to install a chairlift. The stairs were straight and wide enough, and it would be much easier for him to go up and down....  
“I think I’ll head home now,” Jacob interrupted her thoughts. “See you tomorrow, at… eight?”  
“Nine,” she amended, “I want to sleep in a little.”  
He stifled a laugh. Bella was a morning person and usually up before 7. “Sure, I’ll be here at nine.”  
Bella opened the door for him. “See you tomorrow, then. And… thanks again.”  
“Thank me again when I’ve blown up all your plumbing and you’ll have to hire an actual professional,” he joked, to which she chuckled. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

Charlie left for work at the police station at 8. Bella got out of bed when she heard the front door close, getting dressed and eating breakfast in a daze. Being back in Forks just felt so - unreal everytime she went. It seemed like it was greener every time she went back - or maybe her brain just couldn’t process how green Forks was, and made her forget every time.  
Once again, Jacob broke her musings. He tapped on the window next to the door, and she rushed to open it. “Hi,” she said, a little breathless.  
“Hi.” He smiled. “Let’s get to it!”  
They did a tour of the house, Bella writing down her own observations and adding Jacob’s - all the wooden window frames would have to be sanded and painted, the stairs, too, wooden floors in the living room and upstairs would have to be recoated, the kitchen could use a new paint job, the garden needed a complete overhaul, and the largest: the bathroom would need to be redone completely, it wasn’t made for someone with a prosthetic leg. “I want a built-in chair or other way to sit in the shower,” Bella mentioned, “but if we’re gonna do that we might as well get rid of the shower cube completely and make it fully accessible. I’ll need to ask Charlie if he wants sink lowered, too, and everything needs to be spaced out more.” In her mind, she wanted the bathroom to be fully functional for when Charlie in the future might need a wheelchair.  
“I agree,” Jacob nodded, “space is nice.”  
“But all in all, it’s just painting and sanding a lot,” Bella concluded. “Although, I’m thinking it would be nice to replace all the doors with sliding doors…” She suppressed a smile, amused at herself. “But I suppose that would pressure Charlie’s budget too much.” It would be a dream she’d carry over to her future house.  
“We’ll start with things he actually asked you to do,” Jacob suggested, and Bella let out a stale laugh. “He didn’t ask me to do anything, he just left money on the kitchen counter, with a note saying he trusts my judgement.”  
Jacob threw his head back and laughed.  
Bella laughed with him, albeit a little sourly. “I know, it sounds like a joke.”  
Jacob, still chuckling, “well, what do you think he wants?”  
Bella shrugged. “Much of the same, just a fresh coat of paint.” But Jacob’s excitement could not be thwarted; he wrapped an arm around Bella’s waist and pulled her along. “Then we’ll buy paint that’s almost the same and get to it!”

A few days later, the downstairs had been all sanded and painted, and Bella decided that she and Jacob could use a break from breathing in paint fumes all the time. She called Jacob, explaining she wanted a bit of a break and told him that they’d resume working on the house in a few day’s time - he begrudgingly agreed.  
Charlie hadn’t said much, just left some money every day on the counter, for them to buy paint and other things with.  
Now, she let herself flop down onto the couch next to him, sighing a deep but happy sigh.  
“You know you could do this for a living,” Charlie suggested after a minute or so of quiet. “It looks… Nice. You know what you’re doing.”  
Bella let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “I’m glad you like it so far. We’re going to borrow a painter’s scaffold from someone Jacob knows and do all the window frames and outdoor painting next week.” She gave him some space to say something and when he didn’t, she continued, “is there anything you want? I was thinking we could paint the frames light green instead of the offwhite you have now.”  
“I thought you didn’t like green,” Charlie mentioned.  
Bella shrugged. “It’ll fit our plans for the garden.”  
That seemed to startle Charlie. “You’re doing the garden, too?”  
“And the bathroom,” she smiled, hoping to appease him that way.  
“Oh.”  
“So if there’s anything you want, let me know.”  
“I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? As I mentioned, I'm uploading chapter 3 next Friday, and we'll be meeting some other people in that chapter.


	3. Esme

On Saturday morning, Bella got up early with Charlie. He was going to go fishing with Billy. “Are you absolutely sure you don’t want me to stay home?” he asked again, and Bella shook her head. “I’m fine, dad. I’m going to go to the library, get a subscription and check out some books. I’ll be reading all day. Very boring.”  
“Alright, if you’re sure you don’t want me to stay home…”  
“Very sure,” Bella reassured him, “have fun fishing.”  
“Thanks, sweetie.” Charlie got up, stretching his hurt leg with an uncomfortable face, prompting Bella to ask, “when’s your next checkup?”  
Charlie looked away, “in two weeks, I think… I’ll check when I get home, okay?”  
“Okay. Have fun today.”  
“You too, Bella.” He gathered his tackle box and left. 

After cleaning the kitchen and admiring her hard work for a few minutes, Bella too, gathered her things and went to her truck. She knew where the library was from memory, though it had been remodeled some time ago.   
The roads were empty and she was a few minutes early to arrive - she could see the librarian opening the doors and entering the building, and then waited a few more minutes out of politeness.   
The entree was a little nicer than she remembered, and they had moved the reception desk. The librarian - the same woman that had been the librarian when Bella was younger - was behind the reception desk.  
“Hi Bella,” the librarian greeted and Bella strained to remember her name. “Back again for the summer? Shall I sign you up for a summer subscription?”  
Bella came closer; the librarian’s name tag read _Mabel_.   
“Thank you Mabel,” she smiled, “but I think I’ll go for the full-year subscription this time. I’m here to stay.”  
Mabel looked shocked, but pulled her face back together within seconds to smile widely. “That’s great! What made you decide to move back here?”   
Bella resisted the urge to shrug. “Mom and Phil are having another baby and the house in Jacksonville was cramped as it was…” She cast her gaze down, looking at the floor and then back up to Mabel. “Dad asked me to visit again and I decided, might as well make it permanent.”   
“I’m sure he’s happy to have you,” Mabel said with a warm smile. “If you want the full-year subscription, please sign here. I’ll print a temp card for you until you get a real one in the mail. You still live at your dad’s?”  
Mildly embarrassed to be a 25-year old and living with her dad, she nodded. “Yes.” Circumventing the conversation, she said, “it’ll be nice to have a real library card, I always tore or lost the summer card.”   
“I remember,” Mabel said with a smile as she pushed forward the temporary card. “Have fun reading!”  
Bella managed another smile as she took the card and retreated into the library quickly. 

Time was lost to her as she wandered the library, weaving in and out of bookcases, pulling books, reading summaries, trying to be as critical of them as she could be. She collected the maximum amount of books she was allowed to - fifteen - and headed towards the checkout desk as she bumped into someone. “Oh, god, I’m sorry!” She stepped back instinctively, but the woman she’d bumped into laughed and held up her hands in a forgiving gesture. “It’s alright, it’s really my fault, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”  
“Me neither,” Bella admitted, relieved, before confusion set in. She knew almost everyone in Forks - it wasn’t a large town - and she was almost 100% sure she had never seen anyone this beautiful. There just was no two ways about it; the woman had a smooth, whiteish, alabaster skin, impeccable fashion senses, lush, wavy brown hair and a soft heart-shaped face. Her eyes, a warm honey colour, were soft and friendly. Bella tried to look away - gawking at strangers wasn’t quite her style, and impolite anyway - but found her eyes stuck on the woman.   
“I don’t think we’ve met before, I’m Esme,” the woman - Esme - introduced herself.   
“Oh! I’m Bella - Isabella Swan - I just moved back in.”   
“Us too.” Esme smiled. “We lived in Alaska for a while, but we decided a change of scenery would be nice, and then my husband could get a job at the hospital here so we chose to move. The kids will start school in the fall again, too.”  
Bella did a once-over of Esme. She looked almost younger than herself, certainly not older, and there were certainly no signs of pregnancy on her body and even then, for any kids she had to be school aged… Esme must’ve had a teen pregnancy - and did she mention her husband worked at the hospital?  
“Uhm. Kids?” She sounded stupid, her own voice made her feel stupid.   
“Carlisle and I adopted,” Esme answered, with friendly resolve, sounding as if she had answered that question many times before.  
“Oh, that is, uhm, very kind and impressive. How many?”  
“Oh there’s Edward, Rosalie and Emmett and then Jasper and Alice.” Esme smiled again and once more, Bella noted how incredibly kind she seemed to be. She felt an instant connection to Esme. “That’s gotta be a full house.”  
“We live out in the woods, the house is big enough for all of us. It was such a lucky find, I hadn’t expected to find something like it. We had considered renting a house, or two, instead, but the kids liked this house and we did too, so we bought it.”  
“That’s fortunate,” Bella said, thinking about the possibility of her own little house.   
“And you?” Esme inquired. “You’re renting?”  
Heat rose to Bella’s cheeks and she looked away, feeling uncomfortable. “I moved back into my dad’s house… It’s not big but… It’s nice. I might look for my own place once I’ve found a job but, I’m first doing some renovations in dad’s house…”  
“It sounds like he’s very lucky to have you, Bella,” Esme concluded in a friendly tone.   
“I… I guess. I just don’t want to get in his way, you know? I want to find a job and maybe my own place when I can,” she reiterated.   
Esme seemed to ponder over that for a bit. “You know, I think the hospital is looking for a new receptionist, you might want to try it there.”  
“Oh that’s great! Thanks for the tip.” She’d have to make her resume in order when she got home, then.   
“No problem,” Esme smiled, “I just remembered Carlisle mentioning it over dinner last night.”   
“It must be nice having a large family,” Bella sighed in answer.   
“You’re an only child?”  
Bella nodded. “Yes. Not for long anymore though, my mom’s having another one with her new husband, Phil.”  
“But they live far away?” Esme guessed.  
“In Jacksonville. It was a surprise to all of us. Dad’s taking it really well, but he does seem a little lonely sometimes.” A blush rose to her cheeks again and she hurried to cover it up, “I mean I don’t really know, it’s just he’s been alone all along and…”  
“I can empathise,” Esme quietly interrupted, “I felt alone for a long time, too. Having family close makes things much more… pleasant.”  
“He seems to be happy I’m back,” Bella agreed. “And so far he hasn’t complained about my redecorating, so…”  
“Do you still have much left to do? Is anyone helping you? I’d be happy to lend a hand, if you’d like.” The offer came out neatly, smoothly, and didn’t carry a trace of the nerves Esme did feel.  
“Oh! uhm… Jacob is helping me but I don’t want to take up so much of his time… And he doesn't always agree on what we need to do.”  
“Women look at decorating in a different way,” Esme chuckled.  
“I suppose so… Are you sure you’re not busy doing other things?” Bella didn’t want to impose, even though she felt comfortable and connected to Esme.   
Esme chuckled again. “I’m at home most days. Carlisle always refers to me as ‘family manager and expert homemaker’ but honestly, I don’t do that much. It would be nice to get out of the house for a bit.”  
“Alright,” Bella conceded.   
“Let me give you my phone number,” Esme pushed through and almost automatically, Bella took her phone out of her pocket. She dutifully put in the numbers Esme cited, and added her name, waiting for a bit at the last name, until Esme noticed and said, “Cullen, it’s Esme Cullen.”  
“Great. I’ll send you a text immediately, so you have my number, too,” Bella said as she typed out a message.   
Esme’s phone vibrated. “Perfect.” She looked at the books Bella had collected, adding, “have fun reading,” effectively ending their conversation.   
Bella smiled automatically. “Thanks. I’ll be putting my library card to good use.” 

Back at home, the encounter with Esme kept her thoughts busy. Feeling restless, she booted up her laptop and took a look at her resume, sprucing it up a little here and there, although it was already about as good as it could be. She had majored in English, but had also taken some pre-med and biology courses on the side, so she felt well-prepared to work at a hospital. Being a receptionist wasn’t her ideal job, but maybe she could climb up to be a medical secretary or something. That would be nice. It would enable her to put her English skills to good use, while upkeeping her modest knowledge of biology.   
After some hesitation, she added _refined communication skills_ to her list competencies, and then printed a copy. A glance on the clock told her she’d have enough time to drive to the hospital and back before Charlie got home, and probably even get started on dinner.  
She could have emailed it to the hospital, sure, but it felt more personal to swing by and hand it in. And if she did it today, she couldn’t lose courage and just not do it at all.

“Hi, I heard you were looking for a new receptionist,” Bella said, repressing her nerves and putting effort in making her voice sound as open and friendly as she could be.   
“Oh, Bella, I didn’t know you’re back for the summer!” The receptionist smiled broadly and Bella was once again confronted with the fact that, while she recognised the receptionist enough to know she lived in Forks, had no clue on who she actually was. Charlie must’ve been gossiping about her. “It’s not a summer position though, I’m sorry sweetie.”  
Bella smiled, hoping to be disarming. “I know. I moved here permanently. Can I hand in my resume, or do you prefer it if I email?”  
“Oh, oh! Permanently, you say? Well…”  
“I majored in English and took biology and pre-med courses,” Bella added, trying not to sound rushed. “I think I’m well suited for the job.”  
“Oh, I…”  
“Marjorie, let her hand in her resume,” a warm, smooth male voice came from behind Bella and she tightened her shoulders in an attempt not to show her quickly waning courage. “She sounds very well-suited for the job.”  
“Y-yes, of course, Dr. Cullen.”  
 _Dr. Cullen?_ She turned, looking over her shoulder and found herself struck by inhuman beauty for the second time today. Smooth, soft-looking blond hair framed a face with strong features; a strong jawline and beautiful cheekbones, leading up to warm, golden honey-coloured eyes. His build was elegant, but she imagined a toned body underneath and…  
 _Oh god. Dr. Cullen. Esme’s husband._ She blinked heavily and averted her eyes as quickly as she could, pushing down and killing any immodest thought that rose in her head.   
“Thank you, Marjorie.” Dr. Cullen faced away from her, turning his body a little more towards Bella and she felt her cheeks heat up _again_. “Hello, I’m Carlisle Cullen. Are you new in town?”   
“Y-yes,” Bella stuttered, coughing once, clearing her voice before continuing, “I’m chief Swan’s daughter, Bella - Isabella Swan.”  
“Oh, I think Esme mentioned you this afternoon.”  
“We met in the library this morning.” She couldn’t look at his face, anywhere but his face. _God my heart feels like it’s trying to run a marathon, calm down!_ she berated herself mentally.   
“Well, I look forward to working with you,” he said, in that warm, suave tone. Her heart skipped another beat.   
“I-I’m not hired yet.”  
“Oh, I’m sure things will work out.”   
If she had looked at his face, she would’ve seen him wink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... What do you think? There's more to come, but like I warned, it'll be a very, very slow burn. 
> 
> As a sneak peak for next week, here's next week's chapter title: 'Just friends' 
> 
> The title of the story 'moving on' is currently a working title, so if anyone has suggestions I'd love to hear them!


	4. Just friends

Charlie went fishing again on Sunday. Postponing any further painting, she decided to visit Jacob in La Push.  
The short drive was uneventful. After all, it was early Sunday morning; the roads were as good as empty.  
Jacob still lived at Billy’s - he was younger than Bella of course, and helped Billy around the house and reservation a lot, so it made sense for him to still live at home.  
The spare key was hidden underneath the door mat, she knew, but Billy hardly ever locked the door. She got in the house without issue. Jacob must’ve still been sleeping - it was only 8am, so she couldn’t be upset about that. Instead of waking him, she raided the kitchen cupboards for things she could use for breakfast.  
She made oatmeal muffins and French toast, and while the oatmeal muffins were in the oven, she made a pot of coffee. The smell was bound to draw Jacob out of bed, and sure enough, mere minutes later she heard him come into the kitchen, heavy footsteps making his entree far from sneaky.  
He wrapped an arm around her and put his chin on her shoulder. “Hey. What are you making?”  
Leaning against his warm body despite knowing it sent him the wrong signals, she answered, “oatmeal muffins. French toast is already done. Coffee too.”  
“I love it when you do surprise visits,” he said, fondness in his voice. “You make the best breakfasts.”  
She twisted out of his grip without effort and tried to laugh it off, “Charlie just doesn’t have the right stuff.”  
“You could just, you know, go out and buy all the supplies to make supreme breakfasts at home,” Jacob suggested, half joking, half serious.  
Bella shrugged. “It wouldn’t be so special anymore then.” She poured them both coffee and sat down at their oakwood kitchen table. “Any plans for today?”  
Jacob grabbed a plate and attacked the French toast, answering with a mouth full, “’m gonna pick up a few motors.”  
“New assignment?”  
He swallowed. “Kind of, I’m planning to work on it during the weekends so we can continue working on the house during the week.”  
Bella shook her head. “No, if you’ve got work to do, you should do that first. I’m not offering you a paid job.”  
Jacob shrugged. “There’s no time pressure on the motors, they’re pretty much completely out of use. I don’t even know if I can still fix them. I’m picking them up for free and fixing them up to sell. It’s a personal project.”  
She hesitated, but then admitted defeat. “Okay. I gotta warn you though, I applied for a job at the hospital, so I’m not sure how much time I’ll have if I get hired.” Her mind flashed back to Dr. Cullen, treating her like she’d been hired already, and she wondered how much influence he had on the hiring process.  
“You’re turning red,” Jacob mentioned, half laughing, just as the oven dinged.  
Bella dove towards the oven, happy with anything that could end the conversation.

She ended up borrowing the painter’s scaffolds from Sam Uley and his fiance, Emily Young. They were just about the cutest couple Bella knew, and she really liked Emily. Sam was a little… intimidating, at times, but she’d known them for long enough to know he usually meant well.  
“When are you finally getting married?” she asked Emily, sitting on their porch. Jacob and Sam were loading the scaffold into the back of her truck and she suppressed a chuckle when she saw how Emily’s eyes followed Sam’s every movement. _It must be nice to love someone like that, and be loved back…_ she mused.  
“We’re planning on this October, actually,” Emily replied in a soft tone, “we wanted an outdoor winter wedding, and things just kept coming up that made us postpone…” Her eyes flicked to Bella’s face, before settling back on Sam. “What about you? Are you dating?” Bella didn’t see her eyes go over Jacob for a second, and missed the implication of that.  
“No, still single.” She sighed. “I guess I’m a lost cause. I’ll just become an old spinster.”  
“No one in Jacksonville or here caught your eye?”  
Bella laughed, though her brain offered her the appetising image of Dr. Cullen once again. “No, Emily, no one. Like I said, on my way to becoming an old spinster.”  
“Hmm… Well, who knows what the future brings,” Emily said in a cheerful tone. “I’m sure you’ll find someone soon enough.”  
“If you say so,” she kept her tone doubtful on purpose. “Thanks for lending me the scaffolds, I’ll bring them back asap.”  
“Take your time, we did our house this spring so we don’t need them immediately.”  
Bella jumped at the sound of Sam’s voice behind her. “Sam! I didn’t hear you coming.”  
Sam laughed. “You’d think you’d have gotten used to me by now.”  
Bella blushed and looked at the ground, frustrated at her own body betraying her once again. She knew Sam wasn’t dangerous, but it was just scary how quietly such a big man could move. He was like… a cat. Or a bigger sort of predator.  
“Thanks again,” she mumbled, still facing the grounds. “I’ll probably be done later this week, Jacob and I will bring them back then.”  
“There’s really no hurry,” Sam repeated in a mild tone. “Take your time.” 

Most of Monday was spent assembling the scaffolds, and Bella was grateful for Jacob’s help. It wasn’t that she couldn’t do it on her own, but he was bigger and stronger than she was, making the job much easier and faster.  
When they’d gotten it all assembled, they went to the store to get some paint. Charlie hadn’t been of much help with deciding colours, so Bella decided on a soft, non-intrusive green for all the outdoor frames, and a soft, creamy whitish yellow for all the outdoor shiplap. Just as she was about to get back into the car, her phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number, so she picked up with some nerves. “Good afternoon, this is Bella Swan.”  
“Hi Bella, this is Marjorie from Forks general hospital, we’d like to invite you for a job interview. Can you come in tomorrow morning?”  
“Oh! Y-yes, of course, tomorrow is fine. What time?”  
“How does nine sound?”  
“Okay!” She tried to sound cheerful instead of nervous, but felt like she was failing.  
“Just report to the reception desk at nine, then. See you tomorrow, Bella.”  
She wanted to reply, but Marjorie had already disconnected. She lowered her phone, a little dazed.  
“Who was that?” Jacob asked and guessed, “the hospital?”  
Bella shook her head to clear her mind, “yes, they want me to come in for an interview tomorrow morning.”  
“That’s great!” He took one big step towards her and closed his arms around her. “Congratulations!”  
She let him squeeze her without complaint, wondering out loud, “why does everyone do that, I’m not hired yet.” With some effort, she wriggled free from his grip. “I’m sure they have a bunch of other candidates.”  
“I’m sure no one can measure up to your supreme skills of English, decorating and Biology,” Jacob countered, half-laughing.  
“Ugh,” she responded half-heartedly, but it was hard to resist the pull of Jacob’s happy energy and enthusiasm. 

“I’ve got a job interview tomorrow,” Bella informed Charlie during dinner, “at the hospital.”  
Charlie didn’t seem surprised. “That’s good. I’m sure you’ll get the job.”  
“I might not have so much time to spend on the house anymore once I start working,” she warned.  
Charlie shrugged. “That’s fine, there’s no rush.” He seemed to hesitate for a moment and then asked, “you might want to prepare Jacob if you’re gonna see him less.”  
She blinked in surprise. “What?”  
Now fully uncomfortable and probably regretting his words, Charlie continued, “you just seem really close…”  
“There’s nothing going on between me and Jacob. We’re just friends,” Bella defended herself, trying not to sound defensive.  
Charlie raised his hands in an appeasing gesture. “Okay, okay, I’m just saying what I’m seeing. If you’re not interested, maybe you should tell him.”  
She felt her cheeks colour and made a frustrated noise. “Dad, are we really talking boys?”  
“Never mind, never mind…”

Dressed in her most office-appropriate clothes - blue jeans, a light blue blouse that loosely hung around her frame, hair braided and comfortable, white trainers - she entered the hospital. Marjorie was behind the desk, eyeing her in an unfriendly way.  
She sucked in a deep breath. “Good morning, Marjorie, I’m here for my job interview.”  
“Yes.” Even her voice sounded bitter and Bella tightened her shoulders, determined not to let Marjorie’s hostile attitude affect her. “It’s right back here.” She gestured towards a door and Bella walked up to it, opening it and feeling her heart sink almost immediately.  
Dr. Cullen was on the other side of the door, sitting on a chair and looking very casual _and very handsome_ she observed.  
_Stay calm. Deep breaths. This is Esme’s husband, he’s very nice, just nice, nothing else._ she told herself and with effort, she smiled at him. “Good morning, Dr. Cullen.”  
He got up in one smooth motion and shook her hand. His touch was icy cold, but she shook it off, blaming the hospital air conditioning.  
“Good morning Isabella, please, sit.”  
With robotic motions, _stay calm, stay calm,_ she sat down. So long as she didn’t look directly at his beautiful face, but directed her gaze to go past him, she could keep her thoughts contained. She just - she’d never met someone that she found so wildly attractive before.  
“I’ve taken a look at your resume, and I have to say, you seem a little overqualified to be a receptionist,” he started. The sound of his soft, warm voice made her feel like the sun was stroking her skin, and she was close enough to smell his breath - minty.  
“That being said, how do you feel about this position?”  
With effort, she looked at him, trying not to stare like a madman. “Well, I don’t have any relevant experience - I used to work at a bookstore back in Jacksonville. However, I feel like I’m very well suited for this job - I have excellent language and communication skills, and took a few pre-med and Biology courses in college. I have a good memory, and have very little issues with remembering assignments, notes, faces, questions and other things.”  
“Very well.” Dr. Cullen’s face was unreadable. “How do you feel about being in rotation for day- and night shifts?”  
“No problem at all,” she answered without hesitation, looking past him again, only seeing him from the corner of her eyes.  
“How many hours would you like to work every week?”  
“Anywhere from 20 to 32 hours would be perfect,” she answered, letting her eyes slide over him ever so swiftly, failing and establishing eye contact by accident.  
“Sounds perfect. Do you have any questions?”  
“N-no.” His eyes were so mesmerizing; the colour of liquid gold even in the hospital lights, shifting ever so slightly every time he moved. It made her stumble over her own words.  
“Well, you can consider yourself hired then. Marjorie will give you our standard contract. Read it over and let me know if there is anything you can’t agree with.” He broke their eye contact, looking away briefly and then getting up. “We’ll get you all set up with everything you need and send you a schedule per email as soon as you’ve signed and handed in the contract. Are you sure you don’t have any questions?”  
Bella followed his motions, getting up as well. “No, I don’t have any questions.”  
They shook hands again and Dr. Cullen said once more, “I look forward to working with you, Bella.”  
“Likewise, Dr. Cullen,” she answered, smiling what she hoped was a disarming smile.  
“Please, we’re coworkers now, you can call me Carlisle.”  
“Ah-alright.” She hesitated for a moment and then, “I’ll see you soon, then… Carlisle.” His name tasted like honey on her lips - sweet, thick, intense.

It was only when she stood outside the hospital, contract in hand, that she realised she’d been hired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Next week's chapter is called 'Port Angeles'.


	5. Port Angeles

_Carlisle told me you got hired. Want to go out to celebrate? - Esme._  
Bella stared at her phone, unsure what to text back. She liked Esme, and going out to do something with her would undoubtedly be fun. But she felt like a terrible person - she couldn’t cultivate a friendship with Esme if she continued to have these confusing feelings for Carlisle. On the other hand, it was probably just a crush. She’d be able to get over it. And even if she didn’t, Carlisle and Esme seemed to be happily married - there was really no way someone as insignificant as she could come between them.  
She texted Esme back. _I’d love to. Maybe we can go to Port Angeles? I’m really lacking work-appropriate clothes._  
The answer came within seconds, _are you free tomorrow?_ , so she texted back, _yes,_ once again receiving an answer fast. _I’ll pick you up at nine tomorrow, we’ll take Carlisle’s car._

Tomorrow came too soon. Jittery with nerves, she was up at six. She told herself not to act like an idiot, berating herself for her nervous behaviour. It was just a day out with Esme. Esme couldn’t read minds. Esme would not know about her crush on Carlisle. And she’d act normal if it ever came up. She could be friends with Esme and overcome this stupid crush on her husband.   
Charlie was not surprised to see her up so early; it had been long-established that she was a morning person. He _was_ surprised to see the lush breakfast she’d prepared, however: breakfast muffins, fresh orange juice, toasted bread and a fruit salad.   
“I thought I’d make a little more so you can take some of it with you to work,” she said awkwardly when he raised his eyebrows at her. “I’m also taking some of it with me, today.”  
“I thought you didn’t start work until next Monday?”  
Bella leaned against the counter, praying she could sink into it and disappear. “I’m going to Port Angeles with Esme. To celebrate I got hired.”  
“Esme?”  
“Esme Cullen, I met her in the library the other day, remember?”  
Charlie took a bite of a breakfast muffin. “aweright,” he mumbled, mouth full. “Have fun.”  
“Thanks dad.”

Turned out, _I_ had meant _we_ in Esme’s text. Carlisle was in the driver seat, and Esme in the passenger seat. Feeling like a child, Bella got into the car and sat behind Carlisle, desperately looking anywhere but at him. “Morning,” she greeted.  
“Morning,” Carlisle greeted, followed by Esme’s cheerful, “hi Bella. Emmett wanted to borrow the other car so we’re just driving with Carlisle to the hospital and then taking the car to Port Angeles, I hope you don’t mind.”  
“Oh - no, of course I don’t.” Her eyes flicked towards Carlisle, but he seemed focussed on the road. She tried to relax in the - admittedly comfortable - car seat, but found her muscles stiffened. So she sat awkwardly upright.   
Esme made an attempt at small talk: “I see the house is up in scaffolds, have you started painting yet?”  
It worked. Bella focussed on Esme. “No, we put it up on Monday and got paint as well, but Jacob didn’t have any time yesterday and today, well, I don’t see myself painting after we get back. So I think I’ll be painting tomorrow and then through the weekend. I start work on Monday.”  
“So Carlisle had mentioned,” Esme said with a warm smile, and she put her hand on his leg briefly. “I’m so happy you got the job. I already felt like it would be a good match.”  
“I’m sure there were other, capable candidates, too,” Bella answered, feeling the nerves creep back in. Her eyes slid over Carlisle's form again. He had hired her; it felt awkward to talk about her job interview with him there.   
“We had a few other candidates,” Carlisle entered the conversation, and once more, his smooth, warm voice made Bella feel like she was standing in the Jacksonville sunshine. “We all agreed that you were the most suitable.”  
She couldn’t help herself. “Even Marjorie?”  
Carlisle let out a small chuckle, warming Bella’s insides even more. She looked away.   
“She took some convincing, but I’m sure she’s happy to have you as part of our team.” He parked in front of the hospital and got out. Esme did too, and Bella hesitated for a second if she should, too, but then Esme kissed Carlisle’s cheek and handed him his bag. Bella looked away, feeling jealousy flair, but pushing it away as harshly as she could. _Leave it to me to have a stupid crush on a married man._  
“Oh, Bella, you can take the passenger seat.” Esme woke her from her musings.   
“Oh, right.” She got out, circled the car and settled in the passenger seat. “This is a really nice car,” she then said, not knowing what else to say but wanting to start a conversation.  
“We have a thing for nice cars in our family,” Esme laughed whilst backing out of the parking spot. “Next to Carlisle, Edward is the most modest with his car choices. Alice is very prone to Porches, and Rosalie will drive anything that’s fast and flashy enough.”   
Bella didn’t know what to say; she knew next to nothing about cars. “I just want a reliable and affordable car. My truck may be old, but it does its job well, and it’s nice to have so much loading space.”  
“Oh, so you drive that yellow truck!” Esme’s eyes flickered to Bella and back to the road again.   
Bella laughed. “If you can call that faded mustard yellow, sure. I’ve been thinking I might need to get it repainted, but there are always other things that are more important.”  
“I’m sure the hospital job will give you some more financial space,” Esme said in a friendly, non-offensive tone.   
“Yeah…”

Shopping with Esme was not awful; it was almost fun. Bella had been nervous that Esme would direct her to expensive shops, ones that she could not afford, but Esme had a remarkable knowledge of affordable, quality shops in Port Angeles.   
“What do you think of this, Bella?” Esme held up a sky blue blouse, “it’s a hundred percent cotton, too.”  
“I’ll try it. Though maybe I should try to find something in other colours too.” So far most of what she’d tried on and bought had been about that shade of blue.   
“This shade just looks really good on you,” Esme said as if she’d read Bella’s mind.  
“I guess?” She came closer to feel the fabric of the blouse. “I’ll try it on. But we also have to look at other colours. Maybe brown, green… red?”   
“I’m sure you’d look lovely in the right shade of red, too.” Esme complimented her, making Bella blush lightly. “Thanks, Esme.”   
“You try this on, I’ll ask if they have it in different colours.”  
“Okay.” Bella retreated to a fitting room and put on the blouse. She sighed. Of course Esme had been right, this looked really nice on her. It wasn’t quite form-fitting, but clung to her frame in an elegant way, showing that she had some curve without being too revealing.   
“You were right, it’s perfect,” she sighed as she got out of the fitting room. “Right?”  
“It looks wonderful on you!” Esme smiled and held up a few more blouses. “It comes in different colours too! Try them for the colour, okay?”  
Bella took them from her, trying to not look pained. Shopping just wasn't her hobby and they’d been doing this for hours now; being here with Esme made it so much more bearable, but she still would not describe it as fun.  
“Come on, if these look good on you, we’re as good as done.” Esme pushed the shirts in Bella’s hands, and so, with a minimal amount of protest, Bella went back into the fitting room.   
“I think they all look fine,” she said as she came out to show the brown one. “You’re good at this.”  
“Well, we do have about the same size and skin tone, it’s like shopping for myself,” Esme chuckled.   
“I’ll just get these.” Her stomach growled and the heat creeped back up to her face. “And then let’s grab lunch.”

The sun came out just as they’d picked a cafe to have lunch at, and Esme insisted on sitting inside, saying that “my skin doesn’t do well in the sunshine.”   
Bella was a little sad to hear that, because any type of sunshine was so rare here, but she didn’t want to inconvenience her new friend, and so they sought out a nice spot indoors.  
“Alice would love this cafe, it’s so quaint,” Esme said absentmindedly, making Bella smile. “I’d love to meet the rest of your family.”  
“I’m sure they’ll love you,” Esme nodded, “and I’d love to show you around the house. We rarely get visitors.”  
“You’d think that more people in town would want to befriend you guys,” Bella said with a frown. She’d always experienced the people of Forks as friendly - maybe a little too friendly. It was a tight community.   
“We just don’t seem to mix that well,” Esme confessed, “it doesn’t matter where we go.” A deep sadness clouded her voice and Bella reached out over the table to grab Esme’s hand, shivering when she felt the cold of it but not letting it deter her. “I’m sure you’ll all find your place soon enough, Esme. You are a wonderful person, and Carlisle seems like a good, capable doctor. If nothing else, that’ll earn you some respect in town. And I’m sure your kids will do fine and make friends as soon as school starts again.”  
Esme sniffed, then managed a watery smile. “Thank you, Bella. That makes me feel a little better.”  
Bella slowly pulled her hand back. “People in Forks are just a little dense. They take a lot of time to get used to new things.”  
“Not you, though.”  
With a chuckle and feigned confidence, Bella whipped her hair back. “I’m a Jacksonville babe, I’m way cooler and million times more used to change than Forkians.”  
Esme threw her head back, laughing and Bella laughed along, feeling light and relieved that she had managed to break Esme’s darker mood.   
During lunch, Esme ate nothing, but Bella didn’t dare mention it - it felt wrong grilling someone else on their eating habits when hers weren’t… ideal either. They chatted about family; Esme detailed how she and Carlisle had adopted all of their kids.   
“Though none are my own, I love them as if they are,” she finished.   
“Do you someday want kids of your own?” Bella questioned, interested but also pained by the idea.   
“We can’t.” Again, Esme said it with that friendly resolve, as if she’d answered this question a million times before. “We might adopt again if the time is right, though.”   
“Sounds really wonderful,” Bella sighed.   
“Don’t you want to have children?” Esme asked, sidestepping a more detailed conversation with skill.   
Bella hesitated. “I mean… I don’t know? I don’t even have a partner right now, so I can’t really say… It would depend on so many things, like, does my partner want them, do we have financial security, are we both emotionally ready…” She chuckled uncomfortably, adding, “my dad seems to think that Jacob and I are dating, so I’ll have to jump that hurdle first.”  
“You two are not a couple?” Esme sounded and looked surprised, but tried to hide it immediately.   
“What? No! We’re just friends, I’ve known him since we were kids. We used to play in the sandbox together.” He was not on her romantic radar at all. Carlisle, however…   
“Well, you two seem very close.”   
“I guess we are…” she shifted in her seat, brushed her hair behind her ear and looked away. “Maybe I should tell him that I don’t… I’m kind of into someone else.”  
Esme clapped her hands together in excitement. “Who? Tell me all about him.”  
Bella bit her lip. “I can’t… He’s… it’s just a stupid crush anyway, I hardly know him.”  
“Is it someone from Forks?” Esme was fishing for information, but seemingly clueless otherwise.  
“Uhm. I guess? It’s just a dumb crush, I’ve hardly spoken to him, ever.” She was fumbling for answers, wishing she had never said anything at all.   
“Maybe you should make an effort to get closer to him,” Esme suggested, “get to know him a little, see if your crush sticks.”   
“Uhm. I guess. I could try.” _God I should have never said anything. I will keep my distance. I will not attempt to get closer to Carlisle._  
“Oh this is so exciting!” Esme exclaimed. “You have to keep me updated.”   
“I… I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we think? Let me know, I love reading your comments (even if they just say something small). I'm still considering a new title for this story, but haven't decided what yet. 'New family', 'Change of pace' and 'Slow discoveries' have all been on my mind, but they don't seem to quite fit, so for now I'll just keep the title as is, but if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!
> 
> Next week's chapter it titled 'Fear'. See you then!


	6. Fear

Marjorie was not kind. At all. She worked Bella to the bone, leaving her tired every day, and grumpy. She was glad she’d managed to get all of the outdoor painting done before she started, because even when she did have time to work on the house, she just was too tired to get anything done.  
After the first two weeks of working under Marjorie’s grueling supervision, she finally got to her first solo shift. It was a night shift; they tended to be slow, sometimes no one came in all night, leaving the general receptionist with nothing to do. Even then, Bella felt like Marjorie’s instructions had been so thorough, that even if all hell broke loose she’d be able to handle it.  
For now, though, she settled into the comfortable chair at the front desk and folded open a new book - ‘Twilight’ it was called. From the looks of it, it was some trashy teenage romance. Perfect. 

Halfway through her shift, she took the phone with her and went to the breakroom to get some tea. Nose still in her book, she hadn’t even seen that someone else had already been in the breakroom, until he spoke.  
“Hello, Bella. First solo shift?”  
She dropped her book with a yelp, promptly turned cherry red because she’d been so easily scared, and hurried to pick up her book. It was, other than a few folded pages, not damaged. “God, you scared me Carlisle,” she breathed.  
“I’m sorry.” His dark eyes twinkled with obvious amusement, though.  
She placed a hand over her chest, willing her wildly beating heart to slow down. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I just hadn’t expected to come across anyone else at four in the morning.”  
“It’s been a slow shift,” he admitted. “I would never hope for someone to need the ER, but on very slow nights…”  
“I can imagine.” She’d caught her breath again, sounding cooler now.  
“What are you reading?” Carlisle inquired, tone friendly and interested.  
“Oh, uhm.” She held up the book. “Esme gave it to me. It’s a very, very trashy teenage romance.”  
Carlisle laughed, warming Bella’s insides and making her feel more at ease. She’d come across him in the hospital plenty of times now, and would often meet him - however briefly - when she and Esme did things together, most often when she visited Esme at their house. She had met all of their children now, too, albeit fleetingly. Beautiful Rosalie with her golden hair, bear-like Emmet, slender and coy Edward, fey-like Alice and Jasper, who had this tortured air over him. They were all beautiful in their own right, and Bella thought Esme and Carlisle were lucky to have adopted these beautiful, independant and generally capable children.  
She was unsure whether her crush was fading or growing stronger the more she saw Carlisle. He had this gentlemanly air around him, making him feel like a safe haven wherever she came across him. He was funny, quick-witted, charming and mature.  
_God. I guess that answers my question. I’m_ so _not over him._  
“Sounds entertaining,” he chuckled.  
“Lord, it is,” she said with an embarrassed laugh. “I’m so glad to be out of that awkward teenage phase. Although I’m sure it helped that no one ever tried to romance me.”  
“Now, that, I can hardly imagine, Bella.” His tone serious again, dark eyes following her around the room as she made a cup of tea for herself.  
“Well, it’s the sad truth. 25 years old and never been on a date. Crushes enough, of course, but, pfft, what do they do? Fill your stomach with butterflies for a couple of weeks until that, too, passes. Do you want some tea?”  
“No thank you,” he politely declined. He pulled out a chair for her, though, and charmed by the gesture, she sat down and even let him push her chair forward a bit. “Ever the gentleman,” she mumbled under her breath.  
“Did you say something?”  
“No…” He sat down across her and, compelled to keep up the conversation, she folded a corner in her book and closed it.  
“Romance isn’t quite the dream people make it out to be,” Carlisle said after a moment of silence. Bella sipped her tea, feeling a story coming.  
“It’s fun, at first, but it usually becomes a burden, at some point. A duty to fulfill, a wife to keep satisfied, a family to contain, an outside image that demands to be maintained.” His tone was distant, disassociated.  
“Are you… not happy?” Bella asked in a whisper, not daring to raise her voice. She stared at him over the edge of her teacup, wanting to do something, feeling like she should comfort him somehow. _Maybe their marriage isn’t as perfect as I thought…_  
Carlisle sighed deeply. “I think I’m happy. Most days, at least. Sometimes I just wonder - is this all there is to this life? Days blend together, and it all feels the same for weeks on end.”  
Bella set her teacup down and crossed her legs. He sounded weary. “Maybe you need a break,” she suggested carefully. “It sounds like you might be having a burnout.”  
Carlisle laughed, but the sound of that, too, was filled with weariness, and it left her feeling cold. “Maybe.”  
Bella’s eyes searched his face, trying to find clues, trying to think of what to say, and couldn’t stop herself from blurting out: “I wish I could read your mind sometimes.”  
Carlisle raised his head, locking his gaze with hers. “I’m happy you can’t.”  
“Your mind can’t be that much of a dark place,” she countered.  
“It’s not the darkness I fear you’ll encounter.” As if the dam had been broken, words spilled over his lips. “I fear you’ll find I’m not the man you think I am. I think you’ll fear me - fear us - and stay away, I fear you’ll find out what a joy you’ve been to our family, just by being around, I fear -”  
“It’s okay,” she halted his words with a whisper. “Carlisle, I’m not afraid of you, or Esme, or anyone in this world. I don’t know what you’ve done that makes you think you’re a terrible person, but I’ll tell you what I see.” She took a deep breath. “I see a man with remarkable control, an excellent doctor, someone who cares about his wife and family, and a man who is carrying weariness in his bones. Take a break. Give yourself some space. You need it.”  
He broke their eye contact with a harsh shake of his head, a clear no if she’d ever seen one. “You simply have no clue, Bella.”  
He left the breakroom. 

The midnight encounter in the breakroom felt a fever dream, induced by a bad sleeping schedule and exhaustion. Every time she encountered Carlisle after, he seemed happy and perfectly agreeable. He and Esme still looked like the happy, successful couple they were before.  
He kept on working. He did not take any time off. The circles under his eyes did not darken, though they did not lighten either.  
Bella was worried; she could not shake their breakroom encounter. She decided to take the ultimate action, knowing full well it might shake their marriage up - and not positively.  
She decided to tell Esme about the conversation. 

Her moment came when Esme was over on a cool, shadowy Thursday afternoon. They sat in the newly renovated backyard, chatting, when Bella decided it was time.  
“We need to talk about something,” she said, proud that her voice didn’t even waver.  
Esme sat up. “That sounds serious.”  
“It is,” Bella confirmed. “About a week ago, I met Carlisle in the hospital breakroom and he said some things that made me feel worried for him. We talked about it, but it seems like I could not influence him.”  
Esme’s eyes turned sad. “I see.”  
“He seems so tired and overworked,” Bella said, picking her words carefully and speaking slowly. “I think he’s having a burnout or a depression, and I think he needs to take a break from - honestly, everything, for a while. Have you… have you noticed anything?”  
Esme cast her eyes down, tightened her shoulders and looked up again. “I need to tell you something, too.”  
Bella swallowed, fear settling low in her stomach. _Does she know?_  
“Carlisle and I have a marriage of convenience.”  
“I-I’m sorry?” Bella stuttered, having expected anything but _this._  
“Carlisle and I have a marriage of convenience,” Esme repeated, her voice thin. “We married because it was needed at the time. He does not love me.”  
“Oh, Esme, I…” Bella moved closer to Esme, put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “I don’t know what to say.”  
“Once, I did not love him, either,” she said, her voice regaining power. “And I think I still - we grew comfortable. I grew comfortable. I thought that it would be like this, always.”  
“Of course you did, it’s what you expect of marriage, even if it isn’t out of love.” Bella brushed Esme’s hair aside, “you manage expectations, and I think you did very well.”  
“I’m just - what will I do if he does not want me to be a part of our family anymore?” Esme asked, sounding desperate. “I don’t want to be alone - I don’t think I can.”  
“I’m sure it won’t come to that,” Bella sushed her, “I’m sure he just needs some space, I’m sure once he’s calmed down a bit, you’ll find another arrangement that works well for you, I’m sure.”  
Esme let out a dry sob, “how can you be so sure?”  
Bella managed a sad laugh. “Because I see his kindness, his control, the way he cares every day. You might not have gotten married out of love, but he does care. About you, about your family, about your… routine. I think you’ve got nothing to fear. Things might change, but, change is good. We can’t live a stagnant life. It wears us out, depresses us, it makes us lose hope, and that’s never good.”  
Esme’s breathing calmed, and she wiped away her tears. “How did you get so wise, Bella?”  
Bella gently let go of Esme, feeling like she wanted the space. “My mom always says I was born old and have been ageing ever since.”  
“I can see that,” Esme said with a soft chuckle. “Thank you.”  
“Of course.” But inside, the guilt gnawed on her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I know this chapter was a little shorter, but I just felt so satisfied about the chapter ending that I didn't want to add more, just to hit my word quotum. (I aim for ~2000 words per chapter.)
> 
> I'm still eagerly listening to any story name suggestions! I love hearing everyone come up with ideas and theories.
> 
> Next week's chapter is 'Inhuman'. I'll see you then!


	7. Inhuman

Esme left to spend some time with her family in Alaska. Bella only knew because Esme had sent her a text - not that it had said much.   
And so Bella worried. She called a few times, but Esme never picked up. Eventually, she decided to drop by the Cullen house. Unannounced, because she did not have their home phone number. She could have texted or called Carlisle, of course, or asked him if she could visit when she would inevitably run into him during one of her shifts, but she didn’t.  
Instead, she brought some snacks, a bottle of wine and after some hesitation - _what does Carlisle drink?_ \- a bottle of whiskey Charlie had recommended to her, and got in her car.   
The entire trip, her heart drummed an uneven beat. She had no plan of what to say, what to do. Her plan was just… to show up and see what happened.   
Only when she turned into their driveway, she realised that this could also be interpreted as a sad attempt to seduce Carlisle - alcohol, snacks, wife out of town…  
 _I’m just here to talk to him. I have no ulterior motives,_ she told herself sternly as she got out of the car and grabbed her stuff.  
As if he’d heard her coming, Carlisle appeared at the top of the stairs to their house, looking appropriately confused at her visit. “Bella, Esme is visiting our family in Alaska.”  
Bella pushed him aside with her shoulder and entered the house, holding the door open for him. “I know. I’m here for you.”  
His confusion remained. “I don’t understand.”  
She turned fully, looking at him and keeping her tone carefully calm and neutral, but firm, so that he could not miss her point. “Esme told me everything.”  
If his pale skin could go any paler, she was sure it would have. His expression was… scared? It was hard to describe. “... Everything?” he then asked, his voice weak.   
“About your sham marriage, yeah,” Bella challenged him, although she, too, felt her earlier anger and fire waning. “You did a real good job making everyone believe you two actually love each other.”   
Carlisle struggled. “It’s not - I… We…”  
Bella propped her shoulder up against the door to keep it open. “Why don’t we discuss this indoors?” she suggested, deliberately making her tone a lot softer.  
He dropped his head, defeated. “Alright.” He squeezed past her - _he smells so nice_ \- and led her into the kitchen, where he grabbed two wine glasses and a few bowls for the snacks she’d brought. She handed him the wine bottle, and took care of the snacks.  
They both were quiet for a while.   
Carlisle broke the silence. “I wish it had not come to this.”  
Bella nursed her glass of wine, overthinking the situation and his words. “Why has it come to this?”  
“I did this to us.” Carlisle looked past her and she didn’t challenge him for eye contact, instead, she hummed, spurring him on.   
“Due to our… unusual circumstances, it would be favourable to present us as a married couple to the outside world,” he explained carefully. “We posed as brother and sister before, but it led to some difficulties and so I suggested, for the wellbeing of our family, that we change our story. We got legally married soon after.”  
She hummed again. He continued: “I have always been clear on my feelings for her; I love her like I would love my sister. She always confirmed that she feels the same. But I have not given her as much thought and attention as I usually do, and I now regret that. It seems that she may have grown to feel differently about our situation.”   
Bella studied him, noting the tension in his face and body. He did not enjoy talking about this. It made him feel uncomfortable.   
“I think,” she then started, slowly, so as to give herself time to consider her words before saying them, “that Esme fears the loss of her family if your arrangement changes. I can’t tell you how she feels about you - she’s always careful to edit whatever information she shares with me, I think because she wants to respect your privacy, but of course, I see what she’s doing and how she feels and… She cares about you, and your family unit. She thinks she won’t be able to cope on her own, if she loses this.”  
Carlisle was rendered speechless.   
“I don’t know what, but something about your dynamic has changed. She’s lost her confidence,” Bella concluded.   
“I know what has changed,” Carlisle mumbled, now looking at the kitchen island under his hands, as if he could burn a hole in it by looking at it solely.   
“Then what has changed?”   
“I fell in love with someone else.” He sounded stiff, uncomfortable with the admission. “But I will not act on my feelings. I will do what is best for our family, and for Esme.”  
“You fell in love with someone else, huh…” Bella repeated slowly, ignoring her steadily rising heartbeat and wild thoughts in her head. “It’s very admirable that you are willing to do this for Esme, but you seem unhappy, Carlisle. Unhappy, tired, and burned out.”  
She took a deep breath. “I don’t think you can continue like this anymore. Neither one of you.”  
“I wish we could. But I fear that you are right.” He drew in a deep breath as well, then breathed, “I dislike change.”  
Bella reached out to him, placing her hand over his and ignoring the coldness of his skin. “It is human nature to dislike change. New situations make us nervous. But change, change is good, Carlisle. We can’t live our lives without moving. Humans are not made to be stagnant beings.”  
Carlisle laughed a bitter laugh. “Humans… Humans are not, you are right, once again.”  
“You speak as though you are not,” Bella concluded, coming closer to him. “Carlisle, how old are you?”   
He looked away. “Don’t ask me.”  
Carefully placing her hand on his cheek, she made him turn back to her with gentle motions. “Carlisle, don’t act like a child. How old are you?”  
Beautiful, worried golden eyes stared into Bella’s soft brown ones. “Physically, 23. 26 at most. I’m not sure.”  
“Why are you not sure?” she asked, her voice now nothing but a whisper.  
He closed his eyes. She could feel his jaw flexing under her hand. “When I was born, we did not keep track of time as closely as humans do nowadays.”  
“I see.”  
His eyelids fluttered, but he kept them closed. “Do you not wonder what we are?”  
She let her hand fall away from his cheek, but stayed close. “I’m sure you’ll tell me when the time is right. Until then, I have plenty of theories to entertain me.”  
“You are too kind,” he sighed, his minty breath blowing in her face.   
“I don’t want to pry,” was her gentle answer. “You seem troubled enough as you are.”  
“You are too kind,” he repeated as he broke away from her touch.   
“I wish I could lighten your burden,” she answered, remaining in her place. Without intending to do so, her eyes slid over him again, studying his perfect form, the way strong legs blended into a solid torso, broad shoulders and at last, his face, his beautiful golden eyes, his lush blonde hair… _He’s so… perfect. They all are._  
“I wish you could, too,” he sighed. He put his hand over his eyes, as if he could not bear to look at her, not bear to look at the world.  
So she came closer again, gently placing her hand over his and pulling it down. “Talk to me, Carlisle.”  
“I…”  
“Carlisle.” Another voice broke their bubble. Bella’s eyes flicked up, instinctively cringing away as soon as her brain registered the youngest Cullen boy - Edward - covered in blood.   
In a blur of movement, Carlisle pushed her aside and left the room with Edward - or at least she assumed. They were gone before she could blink, leaving behind the rusty, metallic scent of blood that made her gag. She sank down to the floor and put her head between her knees, taking shallow breaths.   
She didn’t know how much time passed before she heard Carlisle’s voice again. “Bella I - oh.”   
He took a few measured steps and kneeled next to her, placing one cool hand on her forehead and the other on her back.“Slow breaths,” he instructed, “in for seven seconds, hold for three, out for another seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven… One, two, three… That’s it, you’re doing well, five, six, seven…”  
Bella did as he said, deepening her breath and finding - to her relief - that the smell of blood had dissipated. Carlisle’s cold hand on her forehead helped her ground herself, and within a few minutes she felt like she could raise her head again and regained a more normal breathing pattern.  
Carlisle smiled a careful smile. “Better now?”   
“Yes,” Bella sighed. She tested her muscles, trying to decide if she could stand up already, but before she could really try, Carlisle had pulled her up with gentle motions. His fingers curled around her elbows, steadying her. “Oh - I… Thanks.”  
“No problem,” he answered in a soft tone. He was still holding her.  
Bella rolled her head, cracking her neck until the stiffness in it was gone, then looked at Carlisle. He didn’t seem… fazed at all. Was it normal in the Cullen household to come home covered in blood? “Is… Is Edward okay?” Her voice was thin as her brain offered her the image of him dripping with blood again and she drew in a deep, steadying breath, only smelling Carlisle’s fresh, minty scent.  
Carlisle suppressed a smile, she could tell. “Edward’s fine.”  
“He - he was - Carlisle, he was covered in blood. Humans don’t even have that much blood!”  
“Slow breaths, Bella,” he reminded her as he lightly squeezed her elbows. “Remember the key word. Humans.”  
Feeling dizzy again, she stepped closer towards Carlisle, trusting him to keep her on her feet, letting him ground her.  
“Humans, humans,” she whispered, mostly to herself. “You’re not humans, you’re not humans.”  
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Carlisle offered, sounding apologetic. “Edward had not realised you were here.”   
“That’s - that’s alright,” she murmured. “I’m glad he’s alright.”  
“He is, and he’s very sorry to have distressed you so.”  
“I just - I can’t handle blood very well.” With effort, she relaxed her shoulders. She moved her weight from foot to foot, feeling steadier every time she did so. Carlisle’s fingers, still curled ever so gently around her elbows, did help - although she would be ashamed to admit so.   
“I see.”  
“So - so what, you just, regenerate really fast?” she asked against better judgement, feeling like Carlisle would not give this information freely.   
He chuckled, and the sound of that made her feel warm again. “We don’t bleed.”  
“At all?” She locked gazes with him, determined not to let his gorgeous eyes daze her.   
“At all,” he confirmed.   
“Then how -” she broke off her sentence, leaning in and placing her ear against his chest. Carlisle froze in place.   
“No heartbeat,” she concluded in a whisper. “No blood, no heartbeat, you don’t know in what year you were born… All of you are cold to the touch.” She stepped back again, and Carlisle’s fingers slipped away from her elbows. She missed his soothing touch immediately.   
Her eyes slid over his face again. He seemed… astounded.   
“Not humans indeed,” she reasoned, “but not inhuman.”  
“It warms me to hear that you think of us that way,” Carlisle said in a careful tone.   
Bella snorted and then laughed as she saw the shock on his face because of her snort. “I’m sorry it’s just - you guys don’t warm up, it’s funny that you - I’m not laughing at you, it was just a really good pun.”  
Carlisle chuckled, but still seemed concerned. Bella stepped closer to him again, balancing on the balls of her feet and then rolled back, distancing herself from him. “You’re still worried.” The way he looked away - _guilty?_ \- told her she’d guessed right. “I won’t - I won’t tell anyone, Carlisle. I could never. Your secret is safe with me.”  
He nodded, but still did not look at her.   
“I should go home,” she then said, feeling like she was too much, like she should give him some space. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”  
“Drive safe.”  
“I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we have it! We're finally getting close to something. 
> 
> Next week's chapter is called 'Ballroom', and I haven't finished writing it yet. I'll try to have it up by next Friday nonetheless.


	8. Ballroom

Esme finally picked up her phone a few days later. “Hello Bella.” Her voice was void of emotion, and Bella shivered, pulling her blanket tighter across her body.  
“Hi Esme. How’s Alaska?”  
“Alaska’s cold,” Esme answered, “but it’s nice to be around my family again. I missed them.”  
“That’s good to hear,” Bella said, careful, attempting to navigate the conversation the best she could. She hadn’t expected Esme to pick up the phone at all, since she’d ignored all of Bella’s calls and texts so far.   
“How’s Charlie?”   
“Charlie’s alright.” Bella glanced into the kitchen, where he was frying up some fish. “He’s fishing almost every weekend now, the doctor gave him the okay for more strenuous activities.”  
“And how are you?”  
“I’m fine. Working a lot, and Marjorie still isn’t - she just doesn’t like me, I think. But I like the work, and I’m a lot less tired now that it’s all a bit more regular, and scheduled. How… How are you?” Bella asked the question tentatively, a little nervous for the answer, and wondering if Carlisle and Esme had been in contact at all lately.  
It remained silent on the other side for a while. Then Esme sighed. Deeply. “I don’t know. I think I might stay in Alaska for a while longer.”  
“We’re missing you here,” Bella quietly said. “I miss you. Reading books isn’t half as much fun without you to talk them over, and I think your family misses you too.”  
“They’ll do fine without me for a while.”   
“I visited a few days back,” Bella then admitted. “I talked to Carlisle. It was… enlightening.”  
“I know. He called me after you left.” Esme sighed again. “He asked me what I wanted to do, and I… I don’t know yet. I asked him to give me space.”  
“If that is what you need…”  
“I think so. I don’t know.” Esme’s tone became more sad and had a desperate edge. “He told me he fell in love with someone else. It was… it is what I feared all along.”  
“He told me too,” Bella murmured, hoping her tone was soothing. “He didn’t mention who it was though. He said he did not want to act on his feelings. He wants to make you happy.”  
“I need some time to sort out my feelings,” Esme said in a soft tone. “But thank you, Bella.”  
“I’m here if you need to talk.” She waited a beat, and added, “please don’t shut me out again. I was worried.” She felt like a hypocrite for saying it; being in love with Carlisle and playing the good friend to his wife, but… Esme felt like a true friend to her, and she wanted to stay loyal to her. _I hope I don’t have to choose between them…_  
“I’m sorry for that, Bella, I’ll try not to, again.”  
“Thanks. So what are your weekend plans?”  
“Irina and I are going house hunting - she’s looking for a new fixer-upper. And you?”  
Bella sighed. “Don’t ask me how I got roped into this but - I’m going to a dance workshop with Jake - Jacob.”  
On the other side of the line, Esme laughed. “That sounds…”  
“I know,” she responded sourly. “It’s for Sam and Emily’s wedding, they hired a teacher to come to the reservation a few Saturdays in a row. They want everyone to dance at their wedding, and decided that if they want to do that, they also had to facilitate the classes.”  
“And you’re invited, of course.”  
“I have a plus one, so if you’d like to come save me from embarrassment on the day itself, let me know,” Bella said, hoping to sound light-hearted.   
“I’ll think about it. Thank you for calling.”  
“Yeah, sure, any time. I’ll call again after the weekend, okay?”  
“I’d like that.”

The night shift was boring. Bella had gotten into the habit of bringing several books with her for them, because most of the time, absolutely nothing happened. So that night, she settled into her office chair, armed with a stack of books and a thermos filled with tea, expecting another slow, boring night.  
And she was absolutely right. She read for a few hours without even so much as a single phone call, and went to the breakroom to refill her thermos once she’d finished it.   
“Hello.” Carlisle sat in the corner with a book of his own, greeting her without looking up. Bella walked past him, putting on the kettle and leaning against the counter of the small kitchen they had in the breakroom. “Hi. Want some tea?”  
“Thank you, but no,” he politely declined, putting his book down with slow, deliberate movements.   
Bella sat down across him, now armed with more tea, and crossed her legs. “I spoke to Esme earlier today.”  
“Oh?”  
“She told me she’ll stay in Alaska for a while longer.” Bella sighed and didn’t notice how Carlisle’s eyes darted around the room in a guilty way.   
“She seems to think it is better if she stays away,” Carlisle eventually said, in a calm, even tone. “I let her know she’s welcome to return whenever she wants.”  
“That’s very kind of you,” Bella said, copying his tone. “How are you? And the kids?”  
Carlisle looked away. “Edward seems to miss her the most. He’s very sensitive. Rosalie and Emmett, Jasper and Alice, they have each other.”  
Bella sipped her tea, making a soft noise of encouragement.   
“It was me and Edward for a long time, before we found Esme,” Carlisle murmured, as if he was speaking to himself. “We were lonely.”   
“How did you find her?” Bella asked in a whisper, always eager to hear more, always eager to collect more information about them. She still hadn’t decided what the Cullens were, other than inhuman. She had her theories, of course, but actually drawing a conclusion was something she kept on postponing. She wanted to hear one of them say it, out loud, what they were.   
“She had an accident. They rolled her into the morgue immediately, thinking she hadn’t survived. I felt… I wanted to save her.”  
“And you did,” Bella concluded.   
“I suppose so.”  
“I’ve got a dance class this weekend,” Bella then blurted out, feeling the need to change the subject before the atmosphere became too heavy.   
“I’m sorry?” Carlisle sounded surprised  
“I’ve got a dance class this weekend,” Bella repeated, “with Jake. For a wedding - Sam and Emily are getting married, finally. They want everyone to dance at their wedding.”  
“You don’t sound too excited by the idea,” Carlisle said, tone soft and careful.   
“I don’t know how I feel about it, honestly,” she replied, looking at her hands. “I did ballet for years and I liked that… I have considered picking up dancing again but there isn’t much in Forks, and driving to Port Angeles multiple times a week for classes is incredibly expensive.” She sighed. “I’m afraid Jacob will read into it.”  
“I remember when the waltz was considered a scandalous dance,” Carlisle chuckled. “It seems like times may not have changed as much.”   
Bella laughed. “I can’t imagine a waltz being scandalous! Why was it?”  
“It was because the upper bodies would be touching. Before that, dances only required couples to be holding hands.” His tone was wistful. “It’s a shame dancing isn’t considered a necessary skill for singles anymore.”  
“I’ll dance with you,” Bella offered with bated breath. “If you teach me the steps…”  
Carlisle hesitated for a split second and Bella’s stomach churned, _I should have never suggested that…_  
“Alright.” He got up, “I’ll teach you a few steps. I’m sure it’ll help to be prepared for this weekend. Stand up.”  
Dumbfounded, Bella got up and stood in front of him awkwardly, feeling immediate and intense regrets.   
“Place your right hand in mine, and your left hand on my upper arm.”  
Bella obeyed.  
Carlisle placed his right hand on her shoulder, making sure his wrist connected with her underarm and pulled her tightly against him, making her gasp because of the sudden movement. Their ribs now connected and instinctively, Bella arched into his touch.   
“Now turn your head to the left.” Bella did so, hearing him murmur, “perfect…”  
Her head was spinning and she felt as if she was full-body blushing. His grip on her was tight, but not painful, and the cold of his body seeped into hers, but it only made her feel as if she was on fire. _I now see why this was considered to be scandalous,_ she thought to herself, _breathe, breathe…_  
“Now we take a few steps,” she could hear Carlisle saying and without hesitation, he stepped forward. Bella had no choice but to follow, stepping back in sync with him. He took a few more steps and she followed easily. His lead was crystal clear, and it was as if she could feel him deciding on the steps before he took them.   
“Let’s try a turn,” he murmured, voice satiny and soft, caressing her skin in the most pleasant way. His hand on her shoulder tightened and then they spun. It was amazing, it felt marvelous, spinning in his arms.   
Suddenly, he let go of her and she stumbled back, trying to find her balance without him, without his body, without his guidance. She blinked, trying to get rid of her confusion.   
Carlisle handed her the ringing reception phone with a guilty look.   
Still dazed, she answered it. “Forks General Hospital, this is Isabella Swan, how may I help you?”  
Carlisle slipped out of the breakroom.

Dancing with Jacob was decidedly less fun than with Carlisle. Jacob was clumsy, kept on moving his hand down to her waist and stepped on her toes more than once.  
“No, no, Jake, you need to step back,” she complained as he once again stepped forward and on her toes.  
“I’m sorry… This is hard!” He looked apologetic.   
“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it,” Bella encouraged him, keeping her tone friendly and patient. “Let’s try again.” She placed her right hand in his left, and her left hand on his upper arm. He retook his position as well, a warm hand cupping her shoulder blade. She couldn’t help but compare his heat to Carlisle’s cold.   
Jacob drove her backwards when he took a step, and with renewed determination tried to lead them through the figure they were learning. Bella cut him some slack, taking the steps even when he wasn’t leading them. It was worth it when she saw his victorious grin as they finished the figure.   
“This is cooler than I had thought,” Jacob admitted.  
“It’s fun,” Bella agreed with him. “You’re doing really well.”  
“Okay, now, everyone, please switch partners!” The teacher clapped in his hands and Bella let go of Jacob, looking around for another partner, when Sam cut in. “Hey, let’s dance.”  
Bella laughed a little nervously. She couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was about Sam that rattled her so, and his ability to appear out of nowhere didn’t help that.   
“Don’t you have a fiance to dance with?” She asked, tone as light as she could muster.  
“She wanted to dance with her dad,” he said, gesturing at Emily dancing with an older man across the field.   
“Okay, well, sure.” Bella wouldn’t decline and be impolite.   
Sam offered her his hand and she took it. With some confidence, he placed his hand on her shoulder and pulled her close, similar to how Carlisle had done earlier this week.   
“Oh!” Bella made a soft noise of surprise, making Sam chuckle, “Emily and I have been taking dance classes in Port Angeles for a while now.”  
“I can tell,” she said, arching a little more into him like she’d done with Carlisle.   
Sam chuckled again and started the figure. Dancing with Sam was leagues different from dancing with Jacob - the feeling of a confident leader made all the difference, Bella found.   
He didn’t stop after the figure, driving her backwards and into a spin once more and Bella scrambled to keep her feet under her body and follow him.   
“Well done, Bella,” Sam complimented her as he let go of her. The teacher came over to them, smiling. “That looked good, do you have previous dancing experience, miss…?”  
“Swan,” Bella said, feeling heat rise to her cheeks. “Not in ballroom but… I did ballet for a while…”  
“It certainly shows,” the teacher said with a small smile.  
“Thank you,” Bella said, blushing.   
Switching partners again, Bella ended up in Jacob’s arms once more. For the rest of the lesson, she caught herself thinking of Carlisle more than once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada!  
> Next chapter, things are heating up again - it's called 'Verity'. See you next week!


	9. Verity

“How was your dance class?” Carlisle inquired politely as he and Bella once again shared an otherwise empty breakroom.  
Bella couldn’t hide her enthusiasm. “It was amazing! I was stuck with Jacob for most of it though, but I also danced with Sam and that was lovely.”  
“What did you dance?”  
“Waltz, and we’re going to do rumba next week,” she said, trying to dim down her excited tone but ultimately failing.  
“I’m glad to hear you’re having fun.” Carlisle shifted in his seat and rolled his shoulders back, a very un-Carlisle-like motion. His posture was usually so perfect that she could hardly imagine he’d get sore shoulders. _Maybe he’s uncomfortable talking about this…_ she mused.  
Despite thinking that, she added, “I had more fun with you, though.” She bit down on the inside of her cheek, already mentally berating herself. _I have to stop doing this. He’s a married man. He’s in love with someone else. Stop it, you’re not the one he wants._  
Carlisle looked up, dark amber eyes eyeing her in a surprised fashion. “You did?”  
Releasing a breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding, she said, “yes.”  
His eyes, now twinkling with amusement, slid over her body, making her feel all kinds of hot. “Our basement is well-equipped for dancing. Maybe you’d like to come over so we can practise some more? I promise I’ll teach you a few new steps.”  
Her heart rate shot up and she didn’t know where to look. “I - uhm - what?” She could feel her brain short-circuiting at his suggestion, despite the fact that he had only suggested they dance together some more. _It’s not like he’s asking you to sleep with him, get over yourself, Bella, he’s just being nice._  
“If you’d like, we can dance some more and I’ll teach you some other steps,” Carlisle repeated, tone perfectly polite, clear of any insinuations.  
“I… I’d love that.” Her voice was shaky and she hated it.  
“How’s tomorrow night at 8?”  
Resisting the urge to shake her head and shrug, she tried to sound as confident as she could when she answered, “perfect.”  
“I’ll see you then.” Carlisle walked past her, exiting the breakroom, leaving her alone with her erratically beating heart and cluttered brain. 

After a small crisis over what she would wear, she decided on a comfortable pair of yoga pants and a loose-fitting top; similar to what she’d worn to the dance class on Saturday. She forewent any makeup, but tucked her hair up in a bun.  
“What are you all dressed up for?” Charlie asked as she came down the stairs.  
Bella did a once-over of herself. “I’m not dressed up.”  
“You sure look like you tried,” Charlie argued gently.  
Bella shrugged. “I’m going dancing.”  
“Where?”  
She looked away. _I wish he hadn’t asked,_ she thought uncomfortably. “Uhm. Carlisle offered to help me with learning a few more dance steps.”  
“Okay,” Charlie said slowly and Bella fought the urge to cringe away from his gaze. “Esme’s there too?”  
“She’s still in Alaska…” Bella mumbled her answer, now feeling doubly guilty.  
“I see.” Charlie crossed his arms and sighed. “Well, have fun.”  
“Thanks dad.” Bella rushed past him, out the door and sat in her truck for a few minutes before revving the engine, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. 

Like before, Carlisle was waiting for her when she arrived. She got out of her truck, and even though her heart jumped at the sight of him, _he’s gorgeous_ , she was unable to shake the feeling of shame.  
As if he had felt her discomfort, he came down the stairs with long, confident strides. “Are you alright?” The concern in his voice was genuine and she hated how it made tears spring to her eyes.  
He noticed immediately, keeping his distance as he asked, “do you want me to bring you back home?”  
“No!” She all but shouted her frustration. “I want to be here.” It came out unsteady, her voice quavering and her frustration palpable.  
“Alright.” His tone was gentle, careful, and she could tell he was confused.  
She pressed her palms against her eyes, rubbing away the tears that had collected and took a deep, steadying breath. “Sorry.”  
“What happened?” He placed a hand on her back, guiding her with him towards the house. Without wanting to, she relaxed into his touch. “Charlie saw me leaving the house and…” Her shoulders curled inwards defensively and she rolled them back, not wanting to seem weak. “Carlisle, what are we doing?”  
Carlisle stopped, his hand falling away from her back. “I…”  
Bella turned to face him. Her eyes searched his face, trying to find answers to questions she hadn’t asked yet there. “What do you want from me?”  
“Bella… I…”  
“I’m in love with you,” she admitted, feeling her face heat up and fighting the urge to look away. Instead, she locked her gaze with his.  
He blinked. Once. Twice. Closed his eyes. Breathed out through his nose. His jaw flexed, and relaxed again. “I’m in love with you, too.” He opened his eyes and she could read his pain, his indecision in them.  
Bella stepped back. The physical distance between them made her feel as if she had more space to breathe. “What do you want from me?” she repeated her earlier question, her tone softer now. _I don’t want to hurt him._  
He looked at the ground, then up again. “I don’t know.” He sounded miserable.  
She drew in a deep breath. “Well, I do know what I want.” With determination, she rolled her shoulders back, feeling her confidence rise. “I don’t want to be a homewrecker. But I do want you. And if you want me too, you’re gonna have to make some tough choices.”  
“I don’t think you’ll want me if you know the truth about us,” Carlisle whispered.  
“Then _tell_ me! Haven’t I proven myself trustworthy? Haven’t I been a good friend to Esme? Haven’t I been kind to you and your family, _in spite of my own feelings?!_ ” She couldn’t help but raise her voice, throwing out frustrations she’d been carrying for months now.  
“We’re vampires.” It was a statement. His voice was flat, low, deflective.  
Stupefied, Bella said nothing. Involuntarily, she let her eyes glide over him as her brain connected the dots.  
“Oh.”  
“Oh indeed,” Carlisle said bitterly.  
“Okay.”  
“Okay?” he echoed. “I just told you that I, and my family, are mythical creatures.”  
“Yes, okay,” she confirmed. “That’s okay.”  
“Bella…”  
“I told you before, I don’t fear you, nor your family,” she said, her voice growing stronger as she spoke. “This hasn’t made me less in love with you - although it does raise some more questions. Why don’t we go inside and talk it over?”  
“I just told you I’m a vampire and your response is to enter my house and remain close to me?” He’d lost the bitter tone, now sounding astonished and above all things, confused.  
“I guess I did.” She stepped closer to him and he robotically placed his hand in the small of her back again, guiding her inside.  
“I promise you you’re safe here. You can leave any time you want.”  
“Carlisle, I told you, I’m not afraid. I know I’m safe here.” They ascended the stairs into their house. He sat her down on the living room couch and joined her.  
“Forgive me, but I have a hard time believing that.” Carlisle smiled apologetically and Bella believed him. He _did_ find it hard to believe she was okay with this.  
“I’ve had plenty of time to consider all sorts of theories. This one is one of the least wild ones,” she chuckled.  
“I’m in awe at your easy acceptance,” he murmured, looking at his hands. “It hasn’t been like that for… most of us.”  
Bella leaned forward and placed her hand over his, squeezing his gently. “You’re a good person, Caslisle. All of you are. It doesn’t matter if you are human or not - it’s your _humanity_ that matters.”  
He looked up, eyes a shade darker than yesterday, and sighed. “I can’t… There’s still Esme.”  
“I know,” Bella answered quietly. “I don’t want to hurt her. She’s my friend.”  
“I’ll call her… Talk things through with her.” The look in his eyes changed, and he seemed a million miles away from her.  
“And inform her that I am now aware of your family secret,” Bella added. A sudden realisation hit her and before she could stop the impulse, she blurted out, “what do you guys eat?”  
That seemed to bring Carlisle back to her. He laughed. “Animals, Bella. We don’t want to harm humans.”  
“... And… you would hurt humans if you…?”  
“Yes.” He sat up straighter, leaning away from her the tiniest bit and she immediately mimicked his actions, giving him the space he clearly needed. “Our bite is venomous and the hunger is all-consuming. Once we bite, the only option is to drain. Even if we manage to pull back once we’ve bitten… Our venom will turn our victim.” He sighed. “It’s not something I would wish upon anyone.”  
Bella crossed her legs, leaning back further into the couch, mulling over his words. She could feel his eyes on her, and the experience was more pleasant than she’d ever want to admit.  
“So… Do you have to be dying to…?” she asked, surprised at the clarity in her own voice.  
“No. But I would never change someone that still has the chance at a human life.”  
Bella nodded. “That sounds… sensible. Logical.” Their gazes locked again, and she smiled at him. He blinked, then smiled back at her, though it came across as insecure to her. “Are you alright?”  
“I’m fine, Carlisle.” She moved back closer to him and placed her hand on his knee. “Are you?”  
He blinked again, slowly this time. “I’m not sure.”  
“Maybe you’re in shock,” Bella suggested. “I think you expected this conversation to go very differently.”  
“I did.” His voice was a little shaky, and Bella scooted even closer, placing a careful arm around his shoulders, pulling him a little closer, trying to comfort him. He let her, seemingly comforted by her gestures.  
They sat together in silence for a long time, listening to each other breathing. Carlisle’s stiff form relaxed slowly, and he eventually retreated again, saying, “thank you.” He sounded a little embarrassed, making Bella wonder what he’d look like if he blushed - if he could blush.  
Bella cleared her throat. “No problem. Should we, erhm, do you still want to dance?”  
He rolled his shoulders back - _this must be his tick, his sign of discomfort_ she noted - and got up. “I’d like that.” He offered her his arm and she readily took it, letting him guide downstairs, into the basement. It was decorated like a ballet studio, including mirrored walls and barres. “Oh my god, this is amazing!” She could not contain her excitement. “It’s been months since I’ve been in a studio, I can’t believe you’ve had one all along!” She kicked off her trainers and dug through her bag, pulling out her pointe shoes with a triumphant noise.  
Carlisle chuckled. “It’s not something that often comes up in casual conversations. You’re welcome to give it a spin, though.”  
“I’d love to!” She sat down, shoving her feet into het pointe shoes with haste and enthusiasm, regretting it almost instantly and taking them back off to put them on more carefully.  
Carlisle watched her motions with interest, and moved closer when she made to get up. He offered her his hand, which she gratefully took. Once up, she let him go again quickly, now feeling nervous butterflies flutter in her stomach.  
She hadn’t danced in months, and was out of practise, but she did have 20 years of ballet experience, so rolling up onto her pointes was harder than she was used to, but not impossible. With one hand, she held onto the barre as she went through her positions and a few basic steps. The familiar pressure on her toes and ankles was more intense than it had been before, but doable nonetheless. She could still take her steps with relative ease, though, and prepared for a jump when she heard Carlisle speak, stopping her before she could attempt it.  
“You look so happy like this. And free.”  
She darted over to him, coming down from her pointes when she was close enough. “Thank you. I am. Dancing has always been my happy place.”  
“Should I leave you to it, then?” he asked, polite as always.  
Bella came closer, until they were close enough to touch. As if it was natural, as if they had already done this a million times, his hand found its resting place in the small of her back. She relaxed into his touch. “I’d still like to dance with you, too. I didn’t lie when I said I had a good time, dancing with you.”  
“Then we shall dance.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, there we have it, big words have been spoken!  
> Next week's chapter is: "Divorce" 
> 
> Let me know what you think about this chapter, I'm always curious to hear your thoughts.


	10. Divorce

Over the course of the next week, Bella spent more and more time at the Cullen house, only coming back home to Charlie’s to eat and sleep. She pushed away her guilty feelings about spending so much time with Carlisle, and revelled in the feelings of reciprocated love and romance.  
On Tuesday, they held a bad Shakespeare movie marathon. Edward joined them for the first movie - Romeo and Juliet - and sat down in the lounging chair while Bella and Carlisle shared the couch, both on either end of it.  
“You know I kind of envy Romeo,” Edward remarked at some point, making Bella look at him in confusion. Carlisle paused the movie.  
“Why?” Bella asked, tone light and curious. “I mean I suppose Juliet is very beautiful…” _Maybe Edward likes blondes?_ She pulled up her legs, stretched them out and sunk deeper in the couch until her toes touched Carlisle’s thighs.  
“It’s not his partner,” Edward’s tone was dry, humourless, “it’s the ease with which he can end his life. It’s not so easy for us.”  
Carlisle shifted, of which Bella was acutely aware; she felt the muscles in his thigh shift against her toes.  
“Carlisle tried,” Edward added casually. Bella’s attention shifted back to Carlisle. “You did?”  
“After I was freshly turned, I had a hard time coming to peace with what I was,” Carlisle murmured. “I decided I’d rather die than feed on humans. It took… a long time for me to realise I could feed on animals, and even after that it took some years for me to perfect my control.”  
“That’s why it took him so long to turn more of us,” Edward added, tone darker now, more serious. “It’s not…”  
“It’s not a decision one should take lightly,” Carlisle nodded. “Edward was dying of the Spanish influenza. His mother died hours before him, and she was the last person he had left. She begged me to… I think she knew what I was. His eyes were green, before.”  
Bella sat up straighter, pulling her legs back up, folding them underneath her and studied Edward. “I think you would’ve looked handsome with green eyes,” she said, before turning to Carlisle. “Do you remember the colour of your eyes?”  
“No. It’s been too long. Human memories fade, for us.” He shifted to face her and Bella smiled at him. “Gold suits you, anyway.” She settled back into the couch and Carlisle turned the movie back on.  
Next, they watched Mcbeth. Edward left, muttering, “I hate this one,” leaving Bella and Carlisle alone in the room.  
As they watched, Bella sank further and further down into the couch, first pressing her feet into Carlisle’s muscular thighs again, wriggling her toes against them and eventually shoving her feet under them. She kept her eyes on the tv screen, but from the corner of her eyes she observed his reaction. At first, he didn’t respond at all, but when she started to wriggle her toes, she noted that he suppressed a smile. When she pushed her feet under, he shifted, allowing her more space.  
By the time they started their third movie - Hamlet - she was starting to get tired. As Carlisle got up to switch movies, she sunk down even further, now claiming the entire couch. She yawned. “Don’t you guys get tired, ever?”  
Carlisle laughed, the sound of it making her feel warm all over and filling her stomach with butterflies. “We don’t sleep, Bella.”  
She yawned again. “I’ll add it to my ‘weird things vampires do and don’t’ list.”  
He chuckled again, walking up to her and eyeing the now-empty lounge chair. Bella lifted up her feet. “There’s still space here.” She tried to sound friendly and normal, but ultimately failed; she sounded flirty. He hesitated. “I don’t want you to get cold…”  
“I’m fine, now sit down, I don’t have the muscle to keep my legs up in the air for so long,” she laughed. Carlisle sped towards her and retook his place on the couch at vampire speed. Bella blinked and laughed. “I knew you could do that, but still, wow.” She lowered her legs, settling her feet in his lap.  
“You told me to hurry,” he retorted, tone deliberately innocent. She playfully kicked him in the thigh, “that doesn’t warrant using vampspeed on me!”  
He grabbed her ankles, raising his eyebrows. “Oh?”  
She struggled to pull them back, failing against his superior power. “Don’t ‘oh’ me!”  
Carlisle laughed and hauled her closer by ler legs, until she was pressed close to him, giggling like a lovestruck teenager. He closed his arms around her, keeping her close as she giggled dizzy with happiness.

By accident, she slept at the Cullen house. _I must’ve fallen asleep last night_ she thought to herself. She was still on the couch, but Carlisle was gone. Yawning, she pushed herself up. The house was veiled in silence. Feeling a little awkward, she padded over to the kitchen, raiding the recently filled cupboard, grabbing cereal, milk and a bowl.  
“Hello.”  
With a jump, Bella turned around. “Oh, god, Jasper, you scared me.”  
“I’m sorry,” he said and she thought she recognised just a hint of a southern accent. She knew Jasper the least well - _although let’s be honest, I’ve only had eyes for Carlisle so far. They must hate me_ \- of the Cullen kids, and so she smiled. “It’s alright.” She fixed her breakfast, sitting down at the kitchen table and gestured for him to join her. He did so without any hesitation.  
“Where’s Alice?” she asked; she’d never seen Jasper without Alice before. They were a unit.  
“She and Rosalie are having a girl’s day out. Carlisle, Edward and Emmett went hunting.” He waited a beat, then added, “they left me here to ensure your safety.”  
Bella blinked in surprise. “Safety?”  
Jasper chuckled darkly. “You’d think we are the most dangerous thing you run into, I know. But Carlisle gets nervous something’ll happen to you.”  
“Oh.”  
“I think he planned to be back before you woke up.”  
“I see.” She shifted her gaze away from him, digging into her breakfast, only now realising how hungry she’d been. “I’ll have to bring some snacks over for next time,” she mumbled to herself, mouth still full. “And a toothbrush,” she added as she noted the sticky, dirty feel of her teeth.  
Jasper laughed quietly. “We’re not exactly set up for human company.”  
Bella’s shoulders curled in, suddenly feeling guilty for imposing on the entire family, occupying Carlisle’s time, not taking the time to get to know any of his kids.  
“Please don’t feel guilty,” Jasper said in a whisper, his voice somehow calming her down. “The situation has been… strained for a while now. We enjoy having you over.”  
Bella pushed her bowl away from her and bit her lip. “I feel like I’m dating the entire family here. And I’m not even dating Carlisle.”  
“My apologies,” Jasper murmured. “I don’t mean to impose.”  
Bella sighed. “It’s fine. I just… Am I really trying to date a married man? And what normal 26-year old has five kids! You know, it’s just… I feel like I’m not adjusting enough.”  
“Everything will be fine,” Jasper shushed her in a soothing tone.  
She sighed again, but felt soothed nonetheless.  
“Good morning,” Carlisle greeted as he casually strolled in the kitchen. Instantly, Jasper got up and left the kitchen. Bella followed him with her eyes, surprised. “Good morning.”  
“I’m sorry I’m late, I was hoping to be back before you awoke,” Carlisle apologised.  
“It’s fine,” she mumbled, looking at her bowl of cereal, not hungry anymore.  
Carlisle sat down next to her, studying her form for a few seconds, before slowly asking, “are you okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m just…” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I’d never talked to Jasper before, I wish we could have chatted a little more.” Biting her lip, she added, “I don’t want to impose on your family life, I feel like an intruder sometimes.”  
“It is an adjustment for all of us,” Carlisle admitted. “Still, I… I enjoy having you here, even if it isn’t always easy for my family.”  
She could tell he had struggled to admit that. “I enjoy being here, too.”  
Carlisle got up, offering her his hand. “Why don’t we go for a walk.”  
She took his hand, curling her fingers around his, feeling warm and light. “I’d like that.”

Nothing happened between the two of them, romantically, yet the feeling of it was there. They talked for hours on end, took long walks in the woods and danced, sometimes Bella alone while Carlisle watched, but most of the time, they danced together. There was something completely other, an out-of-this-world kind of feeling about dancing with Carlisle. He was kind and patient when he explained the steps, and it was bliss to be in his arms. She felt whole and connected to him when they danced, and the more time they spent together, the closer they grew. The kids were barely around, and she didn’t question it.  
Of course, her bliss could not last long. 

When she darted into the Cullen house on Thursday night, apple in her hand, dance bag at her side, Esme was there. Sitting on the couch. Upright. Stiffly.  
Bella stopped in her tracks, frozen. She tried to decide between jumping Esme because she was so happy she was back, or back away slowly from the woman that was married to her boyfriend. _Is he my boyfriend? I don’t know._  
Esme made the choice for her, walking up to Bella and hugging her warmly. “I’m so happy to see you, it’s been too long.” Her tone was warm and Bella hesitantly returned the hug. “Me too, how was Alaska?”  
Esme smiled warmly. “It was very nice to be there again. In fact, I’m only here for a short visit. I’ll be returning to Alaska soon.”  
Bella froze and felt hot tears suddenly spill over her cheeks. Guilt overtook her. “Wh- what? Esme, no, I…”  
“I think it’s time I step away from Carlisle, to give you and him some space,” she continued in a soft, friendly tone.  
“I… I don’t understand,” Bella managed weakly, wiping away her tears with frustrated motions. _Why am I like this?_  
“Why don’t we sit down, and talk?” Esme suggested, gesturing at the couch where Bella had now spent many nights, cozied up to Carlisle.  
Robotically, Bella sat down.  
“Carlisle and I decided to divorce,” Esme said, her tone calm. “My temporary move to Alaska is not related to this - Irina and I want to fix up a few houses together. Although I suppose it does give you and Carlisle some time and space to figure out what you want.”  
“Esme, I-”  
“I’m alright, Bella.” Esme’s tone was warm, non-offensive. “I’m happy for you and Carlisle. You deserve each other.”  
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Bella stammered. “I’ve felt… I feel so guilty over this whole situation.” She looked at the ground, then up again, squaring her shoulders in an attempt to be brave. “We… Nothing happened between us.”  
“I know. Carlisle told me.” Esme moved in a little closer, placing her hand on Bella’s knee comfortingly. “I’m not upset at you, or him. I’ve never loved him as a… lover. He’s always been like a brother to me. Warm, and kind, nothing more. But I know how amazing he is, and I know how wonderful you are, and I want to pave the way for you… By getting out of your way. You don’t have to feel guilty over anything.”  
“Esme, I…” Bella drew in a deep breath, looking Esme in the eye as she said, “thank you,” trying to convey her feelings of gratefulness and friendship. “I really missed you.”  
“I missed you too,” Esme said with a warm smile. “When you have time, we could visit Alaska together sometime, the Denali - our family in Alaska - will love you.”  
“I’d like that.” Bella smiled back, feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders.

That Friday, Carlisle and Esme went to Port Angeles to sign their divorce papers. Esme returned to Alaska immediately after.  
Bella was at home, reading in the garden, bundled up in blankets on the back porch. Charlie was at work.  
She had lit a small campfire to help her stay warm. Consumed by her book, she didn’t hear the car park in the driveway, gasping for breath and cursing when she felt cold hands settling on her shoulders. “Hi there,” Carlisle said above her. She relaxed into his touch, rolling her shoulders lightly and rolling her head back so she could see his gorgeous face. “Hi.”  
He kneeled behind her, stroking down her shoulders with his hands and eventually embracing her gently. She leaned further into him, making a soft noise of contentment. With careful motions, she placed her hands over his, allowing him to tighten his grip on her. Involuntarily, she squeezed her thighs together, feeling an unexpected fire spark in her core.  
“You smell so nice,” he whispered, lips moving against her ear. She shivered. “I could say the same about you,” she breathed, angling her head ever so slightly to give him a little more space.  
Carlisle laughed softly and nosed her neck, jaw, and eventually halted mere millimeters before her lips.  
“Carlisle,” Bella whispered breathlessly. She closed her eyes and let her lips brush over his, the faintest, quickest of touches. He let out another soft laugh and then his lips were on hers. They were cold, but so were hers and their temperatures were a perfect match. She arched up to meet him, pressing herself closer to him as she drank in his essence, his minty smell, his soft lips against hers.  
His arms tightened around her, pulling her closer, clearly attempting to remain controlled and failing. Their contact broke for a split second and Bella used the opportunity to turn her body more towards his, slipping a hand through his hair, gripping it and keeping him close. She kissed him again, feeling the heat in her core increase and pressing her thighs together even more tightly. She tried to coax him into opening his lips, but he wouldn’t let her. She let out a whimper of desire.  
He pulled back, pressing their foreheads together but preventing her from kissing him again. She was breathing heavily, he was not breathing at all. Bella felt dizzy with happiness and desire and saw those emotions reflected in his eyes.  
Then they burst out in laughter in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little worried about the ending scene; should they kiss, should they not? I really wasn't sure, but in the end, I'm happy with how the scene turned out, so I kept it.  
> I'm really swamped with work right now, and I haven't finished next week's chapter yet, but I'll be working as hard as I can to finish it in time!  
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Next week's chapter is (probably) going to be "Wedding".


	11. Hiking

Saturday morning, Bella was roused by her phone alarm, playing ‘Mr. Blue sky’. It instantly boosted her already happy and giddy mood. She rolled out of bed, turned up the music and danced through her room while she grabbed some clothes, claiming the bathroom before Charlie could.  
With quick, impatient motions, she showered, got dressed and, after some hesitation, put on a little bit of makeup. Just mascara and lipstick. Carlisle probably wouldn’t even notice.   
_Carlisle…_ She touched her lips, thinking about their kiss yesterday.   
“Bells, are you done in there?” Charlie knocked on the bathroom door, prompting her to grab her laundry and open the door. “Yeah.”  
“You’re up early,” he remarked as he shuffled past her.   
“I’m going on a hike,” she answered.   
“At six in the morning?”  
“Yeah.”  
Charlie shrugged. “Have fun.”

Carlisle’s black Mercedes drove past the corner as Bella exited the house. _He’s got impeccable timing_ , she thought as the car came to a stop. The door opened from the inside and she got in. “Hi,” she mumbled as she fixed her belt, suddenly feeling shy.   
“Good morning,” he answered, his tone light but curious. “Did you sleep well?”  
She turned to face him, forcing a nervous smile. “Yes.”  
He studied her face, seeing something he didn’t like, but evidently did not want to bring up; he said nothing. With practised motions, he switched the car into first gear and drove them in the direction of the highway. “You mentioned you dislike wild trails so we’re going to one of the hiking trails in the Olympic National Park.”  
“Sounds great.” She drew in a deep breath, absentmindedly noting that the car smelled like him; that fresh, minty smell she’d grown so fond of.   
“I was surprised you suggested leaving so early,” he remarked in the same light tone he’d used earlier.   
“I like mornings,” she resisted the urge to shrug, rolling her shoulders back instead as she added, “I also like seeing you.” Her tone was forcibly light; she couldn’t quite keep her nerves out of it.  
His fingers tightened on the steering while for a fraction of a second, before letting out a quiet, soft laugh. “I’m glad to hear that.”  
And just like that, the awkwardness between them dissipated. Bella let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. Carlisle chuckled again and placed his hand over hers, squeezing it gently. It was warm in the car, and it had heated up his skin ever so slightly, making his touch literally warmer than usual.   
“It’s so surreal to think that you aren’t… alive,” she mused, turning over her hand and sliding her fingers in between his. “When we’re not touching, I forget…”  
He rubbed his thumb over her hand in slow circles. “It is a reality I sometimes wish, I too, could forget.”  
“I’m sorry,” she murmured her quiet answer. “I didn’t want to dampen the mood by bringing this up.”  
Carlisle let go of her to shift the car in sixth gear, rolling his shoulders just like she’d done a few minutes prior. “I rather enjoy how you don’t go out of your way to avoid difficult subjects.”   
Bella laughed. “You mean how I’m completely tactless and can’t read social situations? Thanks.”  
He laughed, too. “You’re not tactless, nor socially inept. I’d say you usually read situations quite well, and that ours is unique, therefore harder to read.”   
“I suppose you’re right,” she sighed.  
They were quiet for a while. Carlisle kept his eyes on the road, but Bella’s flitted around the car, from Carlisle, to the road, to the radio - which wasn’t on and she wondered why - to her hands, to the window, back to Carlisle…   
“You seem pensive today,” he noted after some time had passed, waking her from her musings. “Hmm,” was her only answer. He chuckled and left her to her own thoughts. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable. It felt open, and warm, and Bella felt perfectly at ease not talking for a while.  
He only broke their silence after he’d parked the car. “We’re here.”  
Bella suppressed a yawn and stretched her heavy limbs - a morning hike was nice for sure, but sitting in the car for so long before hiking had made her stiff and slow again. _Next time I’ll suggest someplace closer_ she decided.   
Carlisle exited the car, sped around it and held the door open for her, offering her his hand like the gentleman he was. She took it, pulling herself up and out of the car. Her body wasn’t quite awake and ready yet, though, and with her first step outside the car she tripped over a rock. Before she could topple over, Carlisle’s arms were around her, one hand on her elbow, the other on her back, steadying her. “Be careful,” he said, laughter well-hidden in his voice, but not going undetected by her.   
“Thanks, I guess I’m not quite awake yet,” she joked, carefully leaning into his touch - _it feels so good to finally be close to him without all the guilt._  
“Ah, that is a problem I haven’t had for years,” he said, smiling. His hands were still in place, and Bella felt like he wouldn’t move them until she’d indicate that he had to. _Does he feel the same as I do?_ she wondered, even now.   
With the carefullest of motions, Carlisle pulled her closer, until they were almost chest-to-chest, just a hair off from touching. Bella raised her head, noted his amused, dark amber eyes and raised herself to her tiptoes. She linked her hands behind his neck, slowly, carefully. His amused gaze made place for something else - _darker?_ \- but before she could analyse what it meant, his lips brushed over hers; a touch that she could only describe as the softest of touches - she wasn’t even sure it had actually happened until he kissed her more seriously, cold lips pressing against her warm ones with a fire she had not expected. His hand slid from her elbow to her back, until both his hands were pressed against the small of her back. Without him spurring her on, she arched her back into his hands, pressing her chest against his and kissing him back eagerly. His touch incited a heat in her she hadn’t known she possessed until now.   
She wasn’t sure how long their kiss lasted, only that when it ended she was dizzy - with joy or breathlessness, she didn’t know. Their foreheads were pressed together, and Carlisle, his voice hoarse, whispered: “good morning, dear.”   
Bella managed a breathy laugh and let her lips stroke over his for a chaste kiss, answering with a whisper of her own: “morning.”  
Carlisle kept one hand in the small of her back, while the other shifted up, fingers drawing slow, idle patterns on her back. A soft noise of desire left her lips, to which he responded by sliding his lips over hers again. Strong hands held her in place - anchored her - as she was rendered breathless by his kisses again. His lips were cold, but soft and yielding against hers. One of her hands drifted down from his neck to his chest, while the other slid through his soft hair. She heard him moan - _what a magical sound_ \- and in response, deepened their kiss. Involuntarily, she pressed even closer to him, connecting them from thigh to shoulder. For a second, she broke their kiss, only to draw in enough air to kiss him again. Her thighs trembled with the effort of staying on her toes, making him wrap his arms tightly around her and lifting her up to his level - now her thighs were trembling for other reasons.   
He shifted his hips away from her. She groaned in frustration, making him place her back on her toes, slowly rolling her back onto her own feet. His lips left hers at last and he laughed a hoarse, but decidedly happy laugh. “We should really start on that hike we planned.”  
“Do we really have to?” Bella asked, making a sour face. Hiking was great and all, but kissing him was about a million times better.  
He chuckled. “You suggested this, dear, it’s only fair that we go through with it.”  
Feeling warmed and giddy due to his endearment, she had no protest left in her. So she placed her hand in his, curling her fingers around his posessively even though there was no one to watch it and said with a dramatic sigh: “fine, let’s go.”

The hike was lovely, but the company was better. As Carlisle went ahead to check if the route was safe - _he’s being ridiculously overprotective_ she thought amusedly - she admired his backside. Now that he was officially divorced, she had no qualms about appreciating his assets and _oh boy_ , his back was just as gorgeous as his front.   
She felt like she’d won the jackpot - Carlisle was intelligent, kind, a true gentleman and wildly attractive - it made her wonder if there was something wrong with him, and she just was too blinded by his good sides to see what it was. After all, why would he, practically a Greek God, fall for her, a shy, mousy, boring human girl?  
“You’re in your head again,” he lightheartedly teased her.   
She blinked, slowly taking the hand he offered her. “I’m sorry.”  
He locked his fingers with her, before moving her hand to the crook of his arm so that they could leisurely stroll over the flat path.   
“Penny for your thoughts?” he offered. She once again noted how warm, how kind he was - he probably wouldn’t even mind if she refused to tell him.   
“It’s just - I feel like I’m dreaming. This -” she gestured between them with her free hand, “this can’t all be true.”  
“Hmm…” he seemed to consider her words for a moment. “Does that mean I feature in your dreams often?”  
She threw her head back and laughed. “I barely remember my dreams, so I couldn't tell you even if you did.” She gazed ahead, looking at the path they still had to go. It led around a lake; there was glistening water on her one side, and tall, dark trees on her other.   
“It’s more… I feel like I can’t possibly be _this_ lucky. How did I end up here? All I did was move to watery, wet, rainy Forks and applied for a job at the hospital.”  
Carlisle contemplated her thoughts for a minute or so, during which they continued to stroll down the path. “How does one end up anywhere at all?” he eventually answered, “is it something like fate? Are we predetermined to live the life we’ve been given, like a dice roll at birth? Or can we change that? How much do our choices play a factor in the destination of our lives? I don’t know.”  
Bella chuckled. “It seems like you’ve given this a lot of thought.”  
He smiled. “I have. And that is not only because the lack of sleep gives us more time to think - it turned out Alice had seen you coming all along.”  
In her mind, Bella pictured Alice, whom she’d seen all but three times. Alice was like a pixie: small, slender, dark, short hair and very, very delicate. She was warm and friendly, but a little odd; she seemed to live in two worlds at the same time.  
“She has?” Bella asked, now genuinely curious.   
“You must understand that some of us are… even within the context of what we are, gifted. Alice is gifted with visions of the future.” Carlisle spoke slowly, considering every word before speaking it. “A few weeks before you moved here, she first saw you appear in a vision. It was baffling for her, to see someone she had never seen before, and clearly was human, in the context of our family. For the longest time, we thought Edward might finally meet his mate.” He managed a dry chuckle, “I still can’t believe how wrong we were.”  
Bella remained quiet, mulling his words over in her mind. “I wasn’t sure I’d move until a few days before I was supposed to leave though. How could she have that vision weeks in advance?”  
“That’s where my earlier questions about predetermination come into play. Alice’s visions are almost exclusively based on the decision that someone makes - or the someones that are involved in a situation - but sometimes a different kind of vision comes though; one that won’t change no matter what choices we make,” he explained.   
“Hmm-mmm,” she hummed her answer. “I see…” It was a lot to take in, but she still wanted to know more - she’d concern herself with how to process all this new information at a later time. Carlisle rarely offered information about him or his family so easily, and she wanted to use the rare occasion to learn as much as she could. “So what about you? And the rest of your family? Are they… gifted, too?” she wondered out loud.  
“Some of us are,” Carlisle continued to volunteer information, “Jasper can influence emotions - we don’t know exactly how it works, but he can… assist in increasing an emotion, take it away, or replace it with something else. He can influence a decently large group at one time, but it takes focus and determination. Emmett, Rosalie and Esme are just like me - our human traits have been amplified, but we haven’t gained new talents.” They were nearing the end of the route, and he slowed their walking pace to a slow stroll.   
“What about… What about Edward?” Bella ventured to ask. _He must have something - why else would Carlisle leave him out of his story?_  
Carlisle visibly hesitated, before saying, “Edward can read minds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New title!! It came to me when I was on a hike through the local park and it really stuck with me.   
> This is also a different chapter title; I had planned for 'Wedding' but what was supposed to be a short bit right before the wedding turned into more than I had anticipated. So I promise; there will be a wedding soon, but not quite yet.  
> On that note: next week's chapter is "Gifted". 
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter!


	12. Gifted

Bella stopped in her tracks. “Excuse me?”  
“Edward can read minds,” Carlisle repeated slowly.   
“Oh god.” Bella yanked her arm free from Carlisle’s grip and covered her face with her hands. She could feel blood rising to her cheeks and felt supremely embarrassed.   
“Bella, I…”   
“I can never show my face at your house again,” she groaned her distress. “Jasper could feel my emotions all the time, Alice has seen our future and Edward was able to hear every thought I had about you! It’s not wonder they steered clear of me every time I visited. Gód I feel so embarrassed!”  
“Bella, dear, I am _so_ sorry.” The distress in his tone was evident. “They all do their best not to invade on anyone’s life, that’s why they’ve all kept their distance.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” She didn’t even notice how she’d raised her voice.   
“Bella, _please_ , calm down,” he pleaded. “Allow me to explain, _please_.”  
Still keeping her face covered with her hands, she pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes, forcing the hot tears she already felt welling up back into their place.   
“I… I was looking for an appropriate time to tell you and I… I wasn’t even sure you would believe me. After you so easily accepted what we are I wondered if you would always remain so open, so accepting and… And Alice could not find a vision in which I told you this, and so I just kept on postponing it and… Please, Bella, I never meant to hurt you.” He carefully stepped closer, testing her boundaries. She remained in place, so he stepped closer, gently curling his fingers around her wrists and pulling her hands away from her eyes. “Please don’t hurt yourself,” he whispered, his concern tangible in the air.  
She kept her eyes closed, loathed the idea of facing him right now. “‘m not hurting myself,” came her halfhearted protest.  
“Please, Bella, I’m so sorry, I should have told you sooner.”  
“I’m going to die of embarrassment,” she groaned, balling her hands. “How much did they tell you?”  
“Edward and Alice don’t often share what they see and hear,” he said in a soothing tone, “they try to give everyone their privacy. They only share their insights in case of emergency.”  
“I now know why Jasper was so understanding,” she lamented, feeling miserable. “He _felt_ my emotions that day! _And made me feel better!_ ”  
“I’m sure he was just trying to comfort you the best way he knew,” Carlisle consoled her, carefully making her uncurl her clenched fists. “They still all like you very much.”  
“It’s just _fantastic_ to know that my thoughts, actions and emotions haven’t offended them.” The sarcasm in her tone was grim, even to her.   
“Bella, sweetness, please,” Carlisle whispered, tone low and concerned. “You have done nothing to offend any of us, we all love having you around. The only reason they stayed away was to give you - us - some privacy until we’d had some time to talk about this.”  
“I just - how do I ever face them, knowing this?”  
“Sweetness,” Carlisle whispered, carefully keeping her close, letting one hand glide through her long hair in a soothing gesture, “I can promise you they’ve heard it all - and worse - before. There is nothing you could think, feel or do that will make them feel offended. They’ve accepted you as part of our family now.”  
“I’m - I…”  
“I know,” he soothed, “I know, sweetness.”  
She leaned her head against his chest, smearing her tears of frustration on his pristine shirt. He didn’t seem to care; he wrapped his arm around her tighter and held her close, gently stroking down her hair and giving her the time to take it all in.  
It took her some time to regain her posture. After fifteen minutes or so, all of the new information seemed to have found its place in her head. She now understood why he’d been so hesitant to offer her any information on his family. He must’ve been dreading this moment.   
She pulled back ever so slightly, and he offered her a handkerchief. Taking it, she dried her tears with it, only to remember she’d been wearing mascara when she saw the black and grey stains on his handkerchief.   
“God. I must look like a panda now,” she managed to say, her voice cracking halfway through the sentence.  
“You’re still beautiful to me,” Carlisle comforted her. He stroked a strand of hair behind her ear and ran his finger underneath one of her eyes to get rid of the mascara smudge. “There. All fixed up.”  
“Thank you,” she mumbled.   
“Anything for you, dear,” he said in a soft tone. “Shall I drive you home now?”  
She hesitated for a moment, then rolled her shoulders back, determined to fake her confidence until it became real. “No. I’d like to meet the rest of you - for real this time.”

As they drove up to the Cullen house, Carlisle offered her a way out one last time, but she declined. When she noticed all the kids standing outside, she was initially surprised until she remembered Alice’s gift. “Alice must’ve rounded everyone up,” she said, her tone low, trying to hide the insecurity in it.   
“I think so,” Carlisle confirmed. He parked, sped out of the car and offered her his hand on the passenger side before she could even blink. She smiled a watery smile. “I kind of love it when you do that.”  
He smiled back at her, linking arms with her and keeping her close as they walked up to the house.   
Alice jumped down the stairs, eyes sparkling and her smile wide and happy. “Hi Bella! It’s so good to meet you - again.”  
Bella blinked, not quite used to the portrayal of vampire skills in front of her yet. “Likewise, Alice.” She waited a beat before adding, “but I’m sure you saw that coming.”  
On top of the stairs, Emmett shook with laughter. Even Rosalie managed a small, controlled smile. She didn’t seem happy to see Bella.   
Edward stood a little off to the side, his eyes attempting to pierce a hole through her by looking at her alone, it seemed.   
Bella tried to ignore him. “Where’s Jasper?”   
Alice laughed; the sound of it resounded in Bella’s ears like a thousand windchimes. “I told him to go for a hunt; I want you to be one hundred percent sure that every emotion you feel today is yours.”  
Bella was taken aback. “Wow, that’s… so thoughtful. Thank you, Alice.”  
“You’re welcome!” Alice took Bella’s hand and pulled her up the stairs, away from Carlisle. “I’m sure you have so many questions, but let me re-introduce you to everyone first!” She turned them towards Edward. “Edward, mind-reader, loner, pianist.” With a playful turn, Alice turned them towards Rosalie and Emmett. “Rosalie, beauty-extraordinaire, car technician, and Emmett, bear person and jokester.”   
Bella almost felt like she should curtsy. “It’s wonderful to meet you - again.”  
Emmett grinned widely, showing his teeth, making Bella feel like she should be scared - but she wasn’t, not really. Rosalie elbowed him between the ribs. “Be nice, Em.”  
Emmett coughed. “Ow, Rose.”   
She smiled, and in that moment, her beauty was captivating. “Like I said, be nice.”  
Behind Bella, Alice laughed. _I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that sound_ , Bella thought.   
“Alright, let’s move inside,” Carlisle said, tone serious. “It’s too cold to stay outside.” He stepped in between Bella and Rosalie and with a hand on her back, guided Bella inside. She came along meekly, a little dazed by the whole situation. “Are you okay?” Carlisle asked, his voice low and soft. “You don’t have to do it all today.”  
“I’m fine,” she answered, matching his tone. “It’s time I meet them properly; they’re your family and if I want to be a part of that, I need to do this.”  
He didn’t answer, instead guided her to the living room and sat down with her: this time close enough that their bodies were touching. Bella turned her head to him, sending him a grateful smile.  
Edward occupied the lounge chair like he’d done during their movie marathon, Rosalie and Emmett took the other side of the couch and Alice perched on the armrest of the lounge chair, close to Edward.   
All were silent for a moment, and as the seconds ticked away, the moment grew heavier and heavier. It was Edward who broke their silence. “I feel like I should apologise for that one night.” He locked gazes with Bella as he continued, “I can’t even imagine how shocked you must have been when you saw me like that. I hadn’t realised you were visiting.”  
Bella managed a nervous chuckle as she saw the image of Edward covered in blood in her mind. “I was mostly worried for you, actually.”  
He raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”  
“Yeah uhm, well, I hadn’t yet realised that you weren’t… aren’t human, so I kind of thought you were going to die.” She leaned a little closer to Carlisle, who placed his arm around her waist, bringing her in even closer to him. The gesture made her feel more at ease, and warmed her heart. With some fondness, she remembered how Carlisle had grounded her, his gentle fingers curled around her elbows to keep her steady…   
Edward coughed.   
“Oh uhm, and, well, I don’t do blood so well,” Bella added, feeling embarrassed for letting her thoughts wander when Edward was just _right there_.   
Emmett laughed, “you don’t do blood well? You realise that’s kind of ironic?”   
She blushed and looked at the ground. “Yeah well, I can’t really help it.”  
“I remember human-me also was a little squeamish,” Rosalie said in a tone that Bella was sure was supposed to be consoling, but it was just a hair off.   
“How long have you been…?” Bella asked, turning towards Rosalie and Emmett.  
“I was turned in 1933, Emmett two years later.” Rosalie let her gaze wander over Emmett and her expression became soft, loving. “He lost a wrestling match with a bear… I wasn’t sure I could… I was only two years old, so I carried him all the way home so that Carlisle could turn him.”  
“You and Emmett were together before…?”   
Rosalie focused her attention on Bella. “No. I came across him as I was hunting.”  
“Oh.” Bella didn’t know what to say.   
“Now I always win my wrestling matches with bears,” Emmett said, laughter in his voice.   
“He’s still trying to get his revenge,” Rosalie said, fondly.   
“So…” Bella turned back to Carlisle. “Did you change everyone in your family?”  
He smiled and shook his head. “No. Alice and Jasper joined our family later on, and both have been changed by others. We don’t know who changed Alice, but Jasper was changed during the civil war, so he’s quite a bit older than most of us.” He seemed sunken in thoughts, prompting Edward to take over. “It took him a long time to turn someone and have a companion. He did not wish this life on anyone. That’s why he only changed people that would no longer have a change at a human life.”  
Bella shifted her gaze to Edward. “I’m still a little creeped out by the fact that you can read minds.”   
Emmett barked out a laugh, and Alice joined him briefly, but Edward’s expression remained serious. “It was a surprise to me too, when I woke to this new life.”  
“I can imagine,” Bella murmured, “suddenly having voices in your mind other than your own… That must have been terrifying.”  
“It certainly was a bit of a shock,” Edward said drily.   
“So… how far does it reach?”   
Edward shrugged. “Familiar minds I can hear at a greater distance than unknown minds. For my family, I’d guess it reaches a little over a mile. Strangers are closer to half a mile.”  
“So how did you not realise I was visiting, that night?”  
“Hm, well, it’s because I can’t hear your mind.” Edward said it fairly casually, but by the reaction of everyone in the room, it was not information he had shared before. Emmett all but shouted, “WHAT?!”, while Carlisle echoed the same word in a softer tone.   
“I hadn’t given it much thought, I tend to try and stay away from the minds of others,” Edward explained. “I only realised I couldn’t hear you after that night. If I really focus, I can sort of feel your mind, but I can’t hear your thoughts.”  
“And you didn’t think this was worth sharing?” Carlisle asked sharply, while Bella breathed out her relief. _Thank god he hasn’t heard my thoughts._   
Edward hesitated. “I wasn’t sure, I wanted to be sure before I shared my ideas about it. Alice knew, though.”  
“Yeah but you have that stupid telepathic thingie going on,” Emmett complained. “It’s so annoying when you have your mind conversations.”  
Alice laughed. “We’re sorry, Em, we don’t do it on purpose.”   
“I hate being left out,” Emmett sulked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I'm not sure what next week's chapter is going to be, so I can't give you the title yet. You'll just have to see what it's gonna be next week, haha.


	13. Alice

Carlisle’s phone rang, and with an apologetic gesture, he got up and took the call, briskly walking towards the kitchen. Bella followed him with her eyes, then scanned the room, her eyes coming to rest on Emmett before flitting away. _Staring is rude_ , she admonished herself.  
Rosalie rose from her seat elegantly. “Well, it was a pleasure to meet you… again, Bella. Emmett and I have plans, though, so you’ll have to excuse us. Come on, Em.” Her tone was perfectly friendly and acceptable, yet Bella fought the urge to shiver.  
Emmett got up, too and shot Bella a hard-to-decipher look. _I’m sure they mean well_ , she told herself. “Oh, of course,” she answered, attempting to keep her tone light and friendly. “The pleasure is all mine.” With effort, she smiled. Keeping the information she had about the perks of being a vampire in mind, she waited a good two minutes before sighing, releasing the nervous breath she’d been holding. _Rosalie is terrifying._  
“I don’t think she likes me very much,” she murmured, half to herself, half to Edward and Alice, who had been watching the scene play out in silence.  
Edward chuckled. “Rosalie doesn’t really like anyone. Don’t feel offended.”  
“She just needs some time to adjust,” Carlisle said in an appeasing tone. Bella whipped her head around, finding him crossing the threshold, stepping into the room as he spoke. “The hospital called, they’re asking me to come in. There was an accident and they’re short on hands. Shall I drive you home, Bella?”  
“Oh, I…” She wasn’t sure what she wanted.  
“I can entertain her for a while,” Alice offered, “if you’d like that…” she then added, a little more hesitant, eyes darting over to Bella.  
“Oh, um, yeah, that would be… nice.” Staying here was more appealing than going home and being alone all day.  
Carlisle smiled, making Bella feel the heat rise to her cheeks. She averted her gaze, only to hear both Edward and Alice chuckle.  
“Perfect. I should go, then,” Carlisle said, but he didn’t move. _He looks hesitant to leave_ , Bella noted, before realising, _oh, he’s waiting for me._ Still blushing, she got op, making Carlisle speed over to her. He pressed his cool lips to her cheek, whispering, “I’ll be back before you know it, dear.”  
Bella, feeling self-conscious and awkward at this display of affection where Carlisle’s kids could see them, pressed a quick kiss against his jaw and, feeling like a stupid, lovestruck teenager, murmured her answer: “don’t rush, I’ll be waiting for you.”  
Carlisle pulled back and Bella saw a glimpse of his beautiful smile before he left the room - _probably the house_ \- in a rush. She could feel the breeze a second after he’d left.  
“You two are the absolute cutest,” Alice commented, making Bella blush even more deeply. “I’m sorry, I’m, uhm.” She rolled her shoulders back, feeling called out and uncomfortable. “I can’t really, um, help it,” she managed, hating how weak she sounded.  
Edward took pity on her. “Alice, be nice.”  
“Oh I am!” She poked Edward between his ribs. “Don’t you have someplace else to be?”  
“Oh, subtle Alice,” Edward said, laughter half-hidden in his tone. “Fine, I’ll leave you to it. You impatient vixen.” With graceful motions, he leaped out of his seat. As he passed Bella to leave the room, he shot her one more puzzling glance, already lost in thoughts.  
Cold hands grabbing hers jerked Bella out of her musings. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this!” Alice’s tone was exuberant, making Bella smile a hesitant smile. “I’m happy to hear that.”  
“ _God_ you have no clue how infuriating it is to see us becoming best friends in over a million scenarios and _still_ have to keep my distance!”  
_Alice speaks in exclamation marks._ Bella suppressed a smile. “I’m sure it was aggravating enough to make your blood boil.”  
“Oh if _only_ my blood could boil, I swear..!” But her eyes lit up and her smile was wide. “I still think you and Carlisle are adorable, though.”  
Bella let out an anxious laugh. “Yeah, well - try telling my dad that. Or anyone in Forks, for all that matters. Carlisle’s only been divorced for what, a month? Maybe two? People are gonna talk if we come out now. And I can’t even _think_ about a scenario in which this does not end well - I feel like I’m playing russian roulette with all the bullets loaded.”  
“Calm down, Bella.” Alice placed her hand on Bella’s shoulder, forcing her to sit back down. “He makes you happy, right?” she asked as she joined Bella on the couch.  
“I mean - yeah.”  
“And _you_ know that Esme and Carlisle never were a thing - isn’t that enough? You even waited until the divorce was official before _actually_ becoming a couple.”  
“Um. Yeah.” It was hard to fight Alice’s logic. “But what if, like, people talk and I just - I can’t-”  
“You’ll just have to endure it. Soon enough people in Forks will agree with my assessment that you are the cutest thing out there, and they’ll stop talking. I can know - we’ve lived in countless towns and cities, and yes, people talk, but they start talking about something else as soon as the next neighbourhood scandal becomes public.”  
“I… I guess…”  
“Great! Now, we need to talk wardrobes, because I’ve seen you walking around in these hideous things for a while now, and we need to fix that. I’d say we’re about the same size - I mean you’re practically Esme’s size but I won’t make you wear her clothes, I can understand that’s a little too close for comfort - so we just need to determine what kind of clothes you need and then I’ll give you some of -”  
“Do you ever stop talking to breathe?” Bella laughed.  
“I’m a vampire, I don’t need to breathe.”  
“I’ll add it to my ‘perks of being a vampire’-list,” Bella said, still chuckling.  
“You keep a list?” Alice sounded incredulous.  
Bella shrugged. “Several. I’m very organised.”  
Alice raised her eyebrows.  
“Maybe my poor, sad human brain doesn’t have enough drive space to store all the weird stuff you guys keep dumping on me - vampires don’t sleep, are super fast, strong, are basically blood addicts, some of you have special gifts, you don’t have to breathe… Did I forget something?”  
“Hmm…” Alice inspected the ceiling. “Our venom only turns humans, not animals.”  
Bella threw her head back, laughing. “Now _that’s_ a good vampire trivia fact!”  
“We could turn it into a board game,” Alice said with a grin. “That’ll keep your slow human brain occupied.”  
“Ouch, Alice, that hurt.” Bella cradled her head for a minute, making Alice burst out into laughter again.  
_It’s so easy being around Alice… I’m sure we’ll be great friends_ , she thought to herself, feeling relieved that at least one other Cullen liked her.  
“I’ve got something that hurts even more. Sanitizing your wardrobe is going to be hard,” Alice brought back their previous topic.  
“Ugh,” Bella couldn’t hold back a hushed sound of dismay.  
“Oh come on Bella, if you let me do your shopping you’ll never have to take care of your own wardrobe again!”  
“And this is supposed to be a perk?” Bella asked, raising her eyebrows. “I might not like shopping, but I think I dislike the idea of someone else messing with my wardrobe even more.”  
“But I have excellent taste!”  
“Well…” Bella pretended to hesitate. “I guess there is something I could use your help with…”  
Alice blinked a little too rapidly. “Oh, I’d _love_ to help you with picking a dress for the wedding!”  
“Did you just-”  
“Have a vision of what you were going to ask me?” Alice shrugged, though her tone became more serious. “It’s like living in two different times, all the time. The visions are nearly constant, especially when someone new comes into our lives. I can force them away if I want to, but after having lived like this for so long… I grew used to it.”  
“I see…”  
“So what’s the dress code for the wedding?”

A few hours, and many dress options later, Carlisle came home. He found his way to the living room, finding Alice and Bella curled up in blankets, staring at Alice’s laptop intently, judging the dresses that had made the final cut.  
“See I think the blue will look really good against your skin,” Alice argued, gesturing at the screen.  
“I’m a little nervous about it being strapless,” Bella brought up the argument that had made them reject many dresses now.  
Carlisle stepped further in the room, slowly, quietly.  
“Okay, well, how about the burgundy one? I’m sure that’ll make your hair and eyes pop.”  
Now standing behind the couch, Carlisle chipped in. “I quite like the red. I’m sure I have a tie or a shirt to match.”  
“Carlisle!” Bella bent her head back in the direction of his voice. He kneeled behind the couch, pressing a quick, chaste kiss to her lips. “So where are we going?” he asked, his voice low. It made Bella’s muscles clench in excitement and she felt her cheeks colour. “I- uhm, it, um-”  
“A wedding. Bella has a plus one,” Alice answered, playfulness in her voice barely hidden.  
“Yeah - um, I do but, um, if you don’t - I’d fully understand it if - I was just gonna go alone and-”  
Carlisle silenced her by pressing another quick kiss to her lips. “I’d love to join you. This is the wedding you’ve been taking dance classes for?”  
Bella rolled her head back forward, ready to roll it again to release the kinks in her muscles when Carlisle’s hands were already on her neck, massaging the kinks out gently.  
“Yeah,” she sighed, enjoying the feeling of his hands on her whilst simultaneously feeling embarrassed that she reacted so acutely and strongly to his touch.  
“Like I said, I quite like the red. I think you’ll look… ravishing.”  
“It’s really nice,” Bella agreed as her eyes went over the screen again, appraising the dress. “I don’t, um.” _I can’t afford it. I wish I’d looked at the prices better…_ Online shopping with Alice had felt like window shopping, somewhat enjoyable and unreal, with no intention to buy anything. But Carlisle liked the dress, and now she kind of wanted it.  
She closed her eyes for what felt like a second, and when she opened her eyes, she could see the ‘payment fulfilled’ screen on the computer.  
“Please don’t be mad,” Alice’s voice trilled. “I just think you’ll look so good in it.”  
“God, Alice, I can’t- I can’t accept something like that.”  
Carlisle intervened, “sweetness, just consider it a gift, okay?”  
“A gift to welcome you into our family,” Alice amended hesitantly.  
Bella closed her eyes again, collecting herself. “Well… If you phrase it like that…”  
“Declining it says you don’t want to be a part of our family,” Carlisle added, though his tone was teasing.  
“Oh, no, we can’t have that,” Bella responded, matching her tone to his. “I guess I won’t have a choice then.”  
“You don’t,” Alice said, trying to sound serious but failing.  
“Alright. I’ll accept the dress. But no more expensive surprise gifts!” Bella bit her lower lip, “they make me feel awkward. I can’t repay them.”  
“You don’t have to, dear,” Carlisle promised, “you being here is enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is! Let me know what you think!
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter is a little shorter than my normal chapters; I'm really swamped with university work, regular work and other things so I haven't been able to spend as much time writing as I'd like. This means that, while I strive to upload a new chapter each Friday, in the future I might not be able to. This chapter was stress-written last night and I'm not feeling happy with the quality, but I felt like I had to write something so that I could upload today.  
> I haven't written next week's chapter yet, so I can't give you a title for it today. 
> 
> I hope to see you next week!


	14. Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the readers that come back every week: I've made some small changes in the timeline and will be editing previous chapters so that the plotline makes meer sense; I'm sorry I haven't been keeping my eye on things like this and hope you'll still enjoy reading this.

The red dress arrived and of course it fitted perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Bella inspected her mirror image grumpily.   
Carlisle politely knocked on the door.  
“Come in,” Bella muttered, still frustrated that the dress was so perfect. If it hadn’t been so perfect, she’d have an excuse to return it, effectively cancelling out the gift.  
He entered the room with careful, measured steps. Reading the look on her face, he asked; “are you dissatisfied with the dress?”   
Bella sighed. “No, it’s perfect.”   
“Why the sour face, then?” He stepped closer, now standing behind her, close enough that she could feel the cold emanating from his body.   
She sighed again. “It’s nothing, I shouldn't… It’s fine.” Turning on the balls of her feet, she came face to face with him, offering a hesitant smile. “Thank you for the dress, it’s really lovely.”   
“It does look wonderful on you,” he agreed as he placed his arms around her waist, linking his fingers together in the small of her back. Bella made a soft noise of contentment, leaning her head against his chest.   
“I’ll ask Alice to contain herself next time,” he murmured quietly. “I hate seeing you in such distress.”   
“Thank you.”  
They were quiet for a while, until Carlisle spoke again. “Are you sure you want to go to the wedding together? Alice mentioned that you’re nervous about what people will say.”   
Bella pulled back slightly, prompting Carlisle to unlink his fingers and let her go. “I’m not… I want to go together, even though I am concerned about the gossip it might spark. You’ve only been divorced for a short time, and…”  
“I know,” Carlisle said, “I’m not too keen on giving people something to talk about - we’re already a popular subject.”  
“Yeah,” Bella agreed, smoothing down her dress, turning back to the mirror. “God, just imagine the scandal - the chief’s daughter with the hot, recently divorced doctor.”   
That got a chuckle out of Carlisle. He brushed her hair over one shoulder and kissed her cheek, then her jaw, slowly making his way to her neck. Bella’s breath hitched, making Carlisle halt his onslaught. She brought up her arm, running her fingers through his hair, encouraging him to continue. He chuckled and obediently pressed his lips back to her skin, placing cold, featherlight kisses and making his way down to her collarbone. Bella’s breath now came in short stutters as she withheld a moan - they were not home alone and the realisation that the kids could hear them filled her with acute embarrassment.   
Carlisle sighed her name. The sound made her thighs tremble and her pulse quicken. Her hand slipped from his hair, dropping down to his shoulders. He used the opportunity to kiss his way back up, ending with his lips softly caressing hers. She stretched upwards to answer his kiss, choking back a moan as he slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her tightly against his body. When they parted - mostly so Bella could breathe - Carlisle stayed close to her. “I’m flattered that you think of me as ‘hot’.”   
Bella managed a breathless, fluttery laugh. “I’m sure I’m not the only one. All the nurses have the hots for you.” She kissed him again, intending it to be a quick, chaste kiss, but when she heard - and felt - him breathe in sharply, she couldn’t help but deepen their kiss. “I, for one,” she whispered, making sure to slide her lips over his between each word, “think you are absolutely salacious.” Her fingers had slipped back up without her active command, gripping the hair in his neck. “How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself when you look around looking so… _enticing._ ” She felt his thighs tremble against hers and could not suppress a grin. It felt good knowing she had the same effect on him as he on her.   
“Bella, I-”  
She swallowed his other words in another kiss, pressing herself even closer to him, now feeling the effect she had on him in a _very_ different place. It made her head swim. _Oh god._   
Carlisle moaned and it was the most erotic sound she’d ever heard. It made her gasp for breath, and he used the moment to create distance between them. She whimpered her complaint, reaching for him, but he kept his distance. Both were breathing heavily, and she saw her own arousal reflected in his eyes.   
“I can’t do this,” Carlisle released his words on one breath.   
Bella felt the blood rise to her cheeks - she was acutely aware of the fact that he could probably _smell_ her arousal, let alone the others in the house. “I’m- I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes, now embarrassed at her own wanton display of desire. “I - um. We really should talk about what boundaries we’d like to set.” Her voice was unsteady and she rolled her shoulders back, forcing them down.   
“I agree.” Carlisle’s voice was only marginally steadier than hers and she opened her eyes. Relief flooded her senses when she saw he was in about the same state as she was.   
“But first, you should change back into your normal clothes.” Carlisle stepped closer, reaching for the dress zipper on her back. “I simply cannot control myself when you look like this.” His voice was but a whisper and when she blinked, her zipper was loose and he’d left the room, closing the door behind him.

When Carlisle drove her home later that day, their earlier encounter was still fresh in her mind. Charlie wasn’t home yet, so Carlisle parked in the place where the police cruiser usually stood.   
Bella undid her seatbelt and turned towards Carlisle. “Do you want to come in?”  
“I don’t think that’s wise,” he answered softly. “Unless you want to tell your father that we are together.”  
She sighed. “You’re right. I should really look for my own apartment.”   
“That would be convenient,” Carlisle agreed. He bent towards her and pressed a quick kiss on her lips. Bella sighed when he pulled back. “The additional privacy would be nice,” she said, feeling she was crossing into a dangerous territory; Carlisle hadn’t restarted their conversation about boundaries yet and she felt his discomfort about the subject even now.   
“Sweetness, I don’t think this is the moment to talk about this.”  
“I feel like it is.” Bella was willing to risk temporary uneasiness for this conversation. “I don’t want to push you in a corner, or be mean, Carlisle.” She searched his face, making eye contact, “and that’s exactly why we need to talk about this.” _I hate seeing him in discomfort._  
“But, I…”  
“Please, Carlisle, I don’t want to overstep your boundaries,” she pleaded, “and I feel like I’m always dangerously close to crossing your boundaries, because I don’t know where they are.”  
Carlisle closed his eyes, flexed and unflexed his jaw, opened his eyes again and murmured, in what Bella interpreted as an embarrassed tone; “I’m afraid I’ll hurt you. My control is less than perfect around you, and I… I’m afraid that one day, I think I’m caressing your cheek, but instead I rip your face off.”  
 _Oh. I hadn’t considered that._ “I see.” She struggled to keep her tone even and rational. “So if we want to prevent this, what should… and shouldn’t I do?”   
“Being around you helps, in some ways,” he said, struggling to keep his tone even, “it’s not your smell, or blood that makes me feel out of control - though I will not deny that both are marvelous - but I work in a hospital, and if those would be tempting to me I wouldn’t work there. It’s when we become… physically intimate that I forget myself. I so long to treat you as my equal, yet you are so much more vulnerable, so much more breakable than I am.”  
“So it’s about balance,” Bella noted. “Is there… Are there activities we can do together that do not require physical intimacy, but do have a sort of… togetherness, so that you can grow more used to the amount of force you can and can’t use with me?” She paused for a moment, before asking, “maybe dancing?”  
Carlisle seemed to be processing this, because he remained quiet for a short moment. “I think… it doesn’t hurt to try.”  
“And in the meantime I’ll try not to climb you,” Bella teased, trying to lighten the atmosphere, “no matter how tempting it is.”  
He laughed; the heavy mood now dissipated. “Don’t think I don’t enjoy it, but, please.”   
She chuckled, bending towards him for another quick kiss. “I’m happy we talked about this.”  
“Me too.”  
“Good.” Bella reached behind her to grab her bag and the dress - which was safely tucked away in a garment bag - and opened the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
“Can’t wait for it,” he replied, backing the car out of the driveway as soon as he could. Bella waved at him until the car disappeared around the corner. The police cruiser turned around the bend just as Carlisle’s Mercedes disappeared around the same corner.   
Bella waited outside for Charlie to park. As he got out of the car, he asked, “was that Dr. Cullen’s car just now?”  
“Yeah, he drove me home after I spent the afternoon with Alice,” Bella answered.   
“What’s that?” He gestured at the garment bag.   
“It’s the dress I bought to wear to Sam and Emily’s wedding.” She unlocked the door and let them both in. “Alice wanted to see it on me so I brought it with me.”  
“Isn’t Alice a little young to be your friend?” Charlie started to put away his fishing gear and Bella held back a sigh. “Yeah, maybe, but we get along really well.” _I hate lying but…_ “I think she kind of misses Esme.”  
Charlie took a beer out of the fridge and cracked it open. He sat down at the kitchen table, looking inquisitively at his daughter. “So when you go over to the Cullen’s, it’s to spend time with her? Nothing going on between you and Dr. Cullen?”  
Bella looked away, feeling guilty and awkward. “Dad…”  
“Bells, people _talk_. Just tell me the truth.”  
Bella put her bag on the kitchen counter and hung the dress on the coat rack before sitting down across Charlie. “Fine.”   
Charlie looked at her, saying nothing.   
“Carlisle and I are dating.” Her tone was flat. _I hate this. Why does he have to ask?_ She felt angry, guilty and frustrated all at the same time. Angry, because Charlie had cornered her and she hated feeling trapped, guilty, because what he was insinuating - what he had been insinuating for some time now - was true and frustrated because she _knew_ that to any outsider, _she_ was a homewrecker, and that just flat-out wasn’t true.   
“For how long?”   
Bella couldn’t read Charlie’s tone. “A few months.”   
She could see Charlie doing the math mentally, and decided to help him out of misery. “He and Esme signed the divorce papers on Friday, the twelfth. When he came back from Port Angeles, he came here. You were working. We’ve been dating ever since.”  
“And before that?”   
“We were friends.” It sounded like a lie, even to her own ears. She didn’t feel like defending herself.   
Charlie scraped his chair back. Without looking her in the eye even once, he said, “I think it’s time you find your own place to live.” He grabbed the morning paper and all but threw it onto the table in front of her. “You have a week.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I ended this one on a bit of a cliffhanger... I felt like it was time for conflict.   
> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Next week's chapter is (probably going to be) "house-hunting". See you then!


	15. House-hunting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focuses a little more on the relationshop between Bella and Jacob, so I hope you like it!

That Monday, Bella took a week off. It was on short notice, and she felt a little guilty for not giving the hospital longer notice, but if she only had a week to find a new home that fitted within her budget, she was going to need all the time she had. She couldn’t use Friday or Saturday, because Sam and Emily’s wedding was on Friday evening, and she assumed she’d be hungover and useless on Saturday.   
Her first stop was the reservation. To her surprise, Billy’s front door was locked. She took the spare key from underneath the doormat to let herself in, only to be confronted by Billy blocking the hallway.   
“Um. Good morning.” Bella felt awkward, like she had broken into his house. _I mean, I did break in. Why would they lock the door?_  
“Jacob isn’t awake yet.” Billy’s tone was far from what she was used to, low, hostile and something she couldn’t quite pin down. _Fear?_  
“That’s okay, have you eaten breakfast yet? I could bake some muffins and clean the kitchen while we wait.” She kept her tone warm, friendly, pretending she hadn’t noticed Billy’s venomous tone.   
“Bella…”  
“I was going to ask Jake if he’d like to go house-hunting with me,” she continued. “Of course I can check some things myself, like is the house big enough, is everything structurally sound, is it well-isolated and so on, but I’d feel more comfortable if I had someone to come with me.”  
Billy’s eyes turned sad and he sighed. Bella used the space to deliver her final blow: “Charlie only gave me a week to find my own place so I’m kind of in a hurry, I’m so sorry to barge in just like that, I just, don’t really have anywhere else to go right now.”  
“He only gave you a week?” Billy sounded incredulous, and while not quite angry, he definitely found this information unsettling.  
Bella nodded, rolling her shoulders back and biting her lip. “Yeah. He’s really, uhm. Well. Did you talk to him?”  
He moved out of the way, rolling towards the kitchen. “I did, he wasn’t too happy about it. And to be honest, neither am I.”  
Bella sighed, moving into the kitchen as well and grabbing the ingredients for her now-famous breakfast muffins from the pantry. “It’s complicated.”  
Billy raised his hands defensively. “I don’t need to know more, I don’t want to have to judge you.”  
“Thanks, Billy, that means a lot to me.”  
“Sure kiddo.” He moved past her to make coffee, and for a while, it was blessedly quiet between them. The silence wasn’t heavy, and Bella felt relieved to have Billy on her side. _Kind of at least…_  
When the coffee was nearly done, and the muffins in the oven, Jacob lumbered into the kitchen. “Morning dad,” he yawned. Bella leaned against the kitchen counter, amusedly waiting for him to realise she was there too. It took him almost ten seconds and another wide-mouthed yawn. “Oh.” He yawned again. “Hi, Bela. What're you doing here?”  
She raised her eyebrows in an attempt to look stern, but failed. “I’m gonna look for an apartment today. Wanna join the search?”   
He shrugged. “Sure. I thought you wanted to fix Charlie’s house first though.”   
Bella poured coffee for all of them, placing Billy’s on the table and handing Jacob his. “I did, but Charlie’s set an ultimatum. He wants me out by the end of the week. And he wasn’t joking when he told me.”  
Jacob whistled lowly between his teeth. “What did you do?”  
She sat down, pushing away all the emotions that came up again when she remembered Charlie’s face and tone when he’d told her to move out. “Um. I’m kinda dating Carlisle. Dr. Cullen.”  
Jacob’s face fell, only adding to Bella’s feelings of guilt. He coughed, hiding his face behind his hand. Bella looked away, and when she looked up again his expression was neutral again. “I thought he was married.”  
“He got divorced a while back.” The memory of kiss on the back porch invaded her mind and she licked her lips, pushing the memory away. “Um. Anyway, Charlie doesn’t exactly approve so he kinda wants me out. I’ve been selecting properties that look promising all day yesterday, so I was hoping we could, um, make a selection and, um, call around to see if we can view any of them today or tomorrow.”   
“Yeah, sure.”

A few hours later, Bella drove them up to the first house they’d view today. It was at the top end of her budget, but really nice otherwise. It had a largeish kitchen, a smaller living room and a sleep attic. There was basically no front yard, but the back had grass and a nice porch. It was similar to Charlie’s house, only smaller and without a second floor. The location was far from ideal though; at the wrong end of Forks, a bit of a drive away from the hospital, and even further from both the Cullens and the reservation.  
The estate agent was a nice woman in her forties, leading them around with a smile plastered on her face. Bella had a hard time concentrating on her.   
“... and then there’s the super cozy attic, currently being used as a bedroom.” The estate agent smiled even wider, fueling Bella’s already foul mood. “I’ll give you two a minute to look around the house a bit more.”   
“Yeah thanks,” Jacob answered for her. His voice sounded far away to Bella.   
She crossed her arms and sighed. “I don’t know.”  
Jacob came closer, placing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her a little closer. “Hey, it’s okay. We have more places to view. This doesn’t have to be _the one_ , okay?”   
“You’re right,” she murmured as she let him pull her even closer. She smooshed her face into his shoulder. “I hate this.”  
“I know,” he murmured, his voice low and comforting. “I’m sure Charlie’ll calm down soon enough, you might not even have to move.”  
She tried to swallow away the lump in her throat, but it only grew bigger and the felt hot, frustrated tears well up in her eyes. “I don’t know, he’s… I’ve never seen him like this, Jake.”  
“Don’t say that, it’ll be fine. Worst case scenario you come live with us for a while.” His arms tightened around her and somehow it made her feel comforted - albeit only marginally so.   
She let him hold her for a while, spilling hot tears into his shirt, before gaining a grip on herself and pulling back. Drawing in a deep breath, she wiped away whatever tears were left in her eyes. “You’re right. Let’s go check out the next house.”

At the end of the day, they’d seen three houses. Another three were planned for tomorrow. So far, none of the houses had felt right for Bella, and she wondered if any of them would. Maybe she’d just have to settle for one of them, and keep on looking.   
Carlisle settled on the couch next to her, stroking her hair out of her neck and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek. “You seem lost in thought, dear.”   
She turned her head so she could kiss him back, and for the shortest of moments her lips slid over his. “I was, I’m sorry.”   
“Penny for your thoughts?” he offered.  
“Okay um. So I told Charlie about us.”  
Carlisle sat up straighter. “I take it by your tone that this was an unpleasant conversation?”  
Bella fought to keep the tears that were ready to start flowing at bay. “Yeah no he’s… he’s kicking me out. Jacob and I spend all day looking for suitable housing.”   
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Carlisle had a worried look in his eyes.  
“I… I guess I just wanted to take care of myself.” It sounded like a weak lie, even to herself.   
Carlisle raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, making her stammer out the truth. “I was afraid you’d make some grand gesture like, I don’t know, buying or renting something for me and I don’t want that.”   
“I’d like to say that I would never do that, but…” he chuckled, but it sounded a little blue. “I want to respect your boundaries, so I assure you, I wouldn’t unless you asked.”  
“Thank you.” Bella moved a little, leaning more against Carlisle, to which he responded by placing his arm around her waist, holding her close. She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed.   
Speaking into her hair, Carlisle asked, “did you find anything suitable?”  
“I don’t know…” She exhaled, pushing to clear her lungs out completely before drawing in a deep breath. “I guess the first one was nice, but it wasn’t a great location. The second one was really affordable and the location was nice, but I could see it was about to fall apart. The third was an apartment, not a house, and there wasn’t an elevator so I had to walk up a few flights of stairs… That would not be suitable for when Charlie visits.”  
“I see.”  
“I’m gonna look at a few more tomorrow.”   
“Do you want me to come with you?”   
Bella hesitated. It would be really nice to spend some more time with Carlisle, and she cared about his opinion. “I’d like that, but I already roped Jake into accompanying me. I don’t think he’d like it if I brought you along too.”   
Carlisle hummed. “He doesn’t like me.” He stated it as a conclusion, though his tone was neutral.   
“Billy doesn’t either,” Bella murmured. “I think Jake was maybe… hoping we’d end up together. I haven’t really told… anyone about us…”   
“I don’t think that’s why they dislike me.” He sat up straighter, making Bella move along with him. “We have an agreement with the tribe.”  
Bella frowned. “What?”  
“They found out about us when we lived here some time ago. We explained we were not what they thought of us, and made a pact. We wouldn’t hunt on their territory and leave them be, and they would keep our secret as we would theirs.” He sounded contemplative, gazing in the distance, remembering a life long past now.   
“That’s… cryptic.” She turned, swinging her legs over his lap and leaning back against the armrest of the couch. “I suppose you don’t want to elaborate?”   
Carlisle chuckled. “I can’t without breaking the agreement.”  
Bella laughed. “You’re _so_ mysterious, I can hardly handle it.” She bent her back, cracking her knotted spine and muscles loose. It was surprisingly comfortable, laying draped over the armrest and she held the position. She felt Carlisle’s fingers trail from her knees, up ever so slightly to her thighs, then back down again to her feet. “Hmmm… that’s nice…” she mumbled, relaxing into his touch.   
He wrapped his fingers around her ankle, turning it a little and pressing the fingers of his other hand in the bottom of her foot, making her shoot up and groan. “Hey, that hurts,” she complained, wriggling to free herself from his grip.   
“Your feet have had a long day, allow me to help the muscles loosen a little,” he answered.   
She bent back again, forcing herself to relax more “Pfft. Sure.”   
In silence, Carlisle worked his magic on her feet and calves, and although it was unpleasant at first, she soon caved in to his soft, careful touches, sighing her relief as he massaged away her soreness. 

All the houses she and Jacob viewed on Tuesday were awful. The first one was so bad she didn’t even go inside. The second one was just way over het budget, and the third one was, while the location was perfect, too small for her. It was basically a studio, and while it was otherwise a good option, she loathed the idea of not having a separate bedroom.   
She and Jacob now sat in the garage, he working on a motorcycle, she on her laptop checking property websites to see if there was anything else, something she’d missed in her first and second search for a rental.   
“Maybe it’s better if I buy something,” she mused out loud. “It’ll take some time to get a mortgage, but there are some nice properties out there.”  
“You’re welcome to crash here if you’re going to do that,” Jacob answered. “How long does it take to get one, anyway? Like a week?”  
Bella shrugged. “I’m not sure.” She closed her laptop and got up. “I’m gonna get something to drink and check on Billy. What do you wanna drink?”  
“Thanks. Whatever’s fine.”   
“Sure.” She walked past him and towards the house. The ground between Billy’s house and the garage was too uneven for Billy to come to the garage, so Jacob would either have his phone by his side so that Billy could call him if something was up, or check in on him every hour or so.   
When Bella entered the house, she could hear Billy speaking on the phone, so she first raided the fridge for drinks, then entered the living room. Billy hung up as she entered.   
“Hi Billy, can I get you anything?” She leaned against the doorpost.   
“I’m good, thanks, Bella.” He smiled and once again, Bella was relieved that Billy was being so kind when Charlie currently was not.  
“I may have something for you, though,” he said, prompting Bella to ask, “oh?”  
“Quil Atera has a cabin he was saving for his grandson, but he just turned it down. He’s happy to rent it to you, if you’d like.”   
“Really? Wow, Billy, that’s amazing!”  
“You can check it out right now, if you want to. Take Jacob, he knows where to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? what do you think? This chapter was definitely a little more mellow, but I wanted to take the time to build the relationship between Bella and Jacob, and Bella and Billy a little more. I really like the friendship between Bella and Jacob, and I've always felt like Billy kinda wanted to protect Bella when he warned her against the Cullens. In my story, his approach is different from the original, and I wanted to work that in, too.   
> I re-read the scene about the pact between the Cullens and the tribe, and I felt like it was kinda open to interpretation, so I interpreted it the way you read in this chapter. I hope everyone is okay with that.   
> Of course, I couldn't write a chapter without a scene between Bella and Carlisle, so I managed to get that in too.  
> Next week the chapter is gonna be a bit more about Bella moving into her new house, and, depending on the word count when I've written that, I might add some of the wedding of Sam and Emily in.
> 
> See you next week!!


	16. Strain

Mr. Atera’s cabin was absolutely perfect. It wasn’t really a cabin, more an actual house, though it lacked a second floor, there was a basement that functioned as a pantry, the kitchen blended into the living room perfectly, there was a backroom that could be used as a bedroom and another small room that, as Mr. Atera explained, would be perfect to use for a small office and as the cherry on top, the whole house was heated by a firewood stove.  
“So how does 300 a month sound? You’ll have to take care of the electricity bills and the firewood on your own.”  
Bella blinked. “Um. Isn’t that, um. A little low?” She’d counted on double that. She’d looked at more expensive rentals with Jacob.  
Mr. Atera weighed his words carefully. “Maybe, but I’m probably not going to find another tenant. Let alone one I know is so wonderful. I’d be happy to let you live here for free and you’d have to take care of maintenance alone.”  
“Oh I couldn’t possibly accept that!” Bella exclaimed. “Please, I’d be happy to pay 450 a month.”  
“Sweet girl,” Mr. Atera laughed. “If you’re going to rent from me, it’s 300. Any more and I’d feel like I’m stealing from you.”  
Bella blinked rapidly, trying to clear away the tears that were quickly gathering in her eyes. “Thank you so much, Mr. Atera.”  
He waved her words away. “It’s alright, Isabella. I’ll make sure the contract is all in order before the end of the week.” He pressed the keys in her hands. “If you need any help moving, let me know. I’ll round up some of the boys to help you out.”  
Bella fumbled with the keys, feeling overwhelmingly grateful. “I can’t thank you enough, Mr. Atera, if there is _anything_ I can do to repay you I -”  
“Make up with Charlie,” he interrupted her, his voice soft and warm. “If you want to do anything to repay me, make up with Charlie, okay?”  
She nodded, feeling her neck protest against the intensity of it. “I will, I will. Thank you.”  
“Good. Good luck with moving.” He tipped his hat and left the cabin, leaving Bella standing alone in the hallway of her new home.  
It took her a few minutes to catch her breath. Then, she fumbled with the keys, putting them away and taking out her cellphone. She took a deep breath, then speed dialed Carlisle. He answered before the first ring. “Bella?”  
“Hi,” she said breathlessly, gulping in a deep breath and connecting the words as if they were one, “Ifoundahousetorent.”  
“What?”  
She couldn’t read his tone. Trying to tone her wired energy down, she repeated, “I found a house to rent.”  
“That’s wonderful! Where?”  
“The reservation! Mr. Atera has a cabin and his grandson wouldn’t take it so he rented it out to me and he wouldn’t even ask a lot of money for it so it’s super affordable and I’m so grateful it hurts and-”  
“Sweetness please breathe,” he interrupted her, his tone warm but a little concerned.  
Bella gulped, swallowing another breath.  
It was silent on the other side of the line.  
“Do you want to see it?”  
“I do. Shall I come over?”  
“Please.” 

As Carlisle’s Mercedes came up to the cabin, Jacob got in his own car. He didn’t say anything about it, but Bella assumed he didn’t want to be confronted by her object of love. She waved at him as he backed out of the parking spot. Carlisle parked, and when she blinked, he was in front of her, lips crashing into hers with a force she hadn’t expected. It lured an exuberant laugh out of her. “Hey.”  
“Hello, dear,” he murmured, barey taking his lips off of hers. She smiled, placing her hand against his jaw and kissing him, as reluctant to let go of him as he of her.  
“You’re eager,” she murmured, still smiling as his lips slid over hers again, making her feel warm in all kinds of ways.  
“Well maybe…” his fingers slid over her back, toying with the edge of her sweater before sliding his fingers underneath, placing delightful pressure on her spine as he spoke, “... I didn’t like the company you were in.”  
Her breath stuttered and she canted her hips forward against his in response to the pressure on her spine. “Is that jealousy I hear in your voice?” she asked, her voice lower than normal, revealing her own desire for him.  
“Only a little,” he answered, his voice deep and husky, making her laugh. Tangling the fingers of her free hand in his hair to keep him close, she said, “if this is the response, I need to hang out with Jake more.” She pressed her hips further into his, gasping as her heated core met his evident arousal. “I know I promised not to climb you, but… _ah!_ ” A moan escaped her when Carlisle shifted his hips. He laughed hoarsely, whispering, “sorry,” but clearly not meaning his words. He spread his fingers, splaying his cold hand against her spine even tighter, making her arch her back against the steadily growing now painful pressure. Stuck between his hand and his body, she couldn’t wriggle free from his grip. Her arousal was gone as quick as it had started, replaced by intense pain, growing from the center of her spine outward. “Carlise, please,” she breathed, her voice laced with pain.  
Before she could blink, he’d let go of her, leaving her wavering unsteadily on her feet with her head spinning.  
“I’m sorry. Are you…”  
“Hurt?” she finished the sentence for him, reaching behind herself and touching the spot his hand had been seconds ago and wincing. “A little.”  
Carlisle’s expression was tormented. So Bella reached out to him, and he came closer. She grabbed his hand, tangling her fingers in his. “I’m fine. Let me show you the house.” 

The next few days went by in a flurry of action. With Jacob’s help, Bella moved all her books and furniture into the smaller room. There were things she simply didn’t own yet; she had no own bed, because she’d left her old one in Jacksonville, knowing that she’d be sleeping in the guest room at Charlie’s. She lacked larger furniture pieces like that, and so she’d been thrift shopping with Alice while Jacob and some of the other boys from the reservation painted and hauled all the heavy stuff.  
She didn’t see Carlisle at all; Alice explained he’d taken on a few double shifts at the hospital and apologised for him. Bella wondered if he felt guilty about Tuesday.  
On Friday she had breakfast with Charlie. He’d been quiet all these days, not speaking to her unless spoken to, and his answers always short and curt. All her stuff was at the cabin now. She only needed a bed, and she was going to buy one today. Her car was at the cabin; Alice had driven her home yesterday, and would pick her up today to go to Port Angeles for the bed.  
After a few minutes of heavy silence between her and Charlie, she decided to break it. “Are you gonna go fishing this weekend?” It was an innocent question, an easy icebreaker.  
Charlie shrugged. “Don’t know. Billy’s tied up in the wedding.”  
She didn’t know what to say next. They relapsed in silence.  
Charlie cleared his plate, got up and put the dishes in the sink. His gaze went over to Bella and for a few seconds, she thought he was going to say something. But then he averted his gaze, got his jacket and stepped out the door.  
Bella stayed in place, feeling saddened by the situation.  
Lost in thought, she didn’t hear the car drive up to the house, and was utterly surprised when a pair of cold hands landed on her shoulders.  
“Hello dear.” Carlisle bent towards her to kiss her cheek, drawing a faint smile from her. “Hey. I thought I was going shopping with Alice.”  
“She decided you and I needed some quality time,” he answered, his tone soft, laced with something she couldn’t quite place. _Guilt?_  
Bella turned her head so she could look at him. His eyes were dark, the colour of muddied, dark honey. The dark circles surrounding his eyes were more pronounced than she was used to.  
Deciding not to breach the topic of his appearance, she said, “well, I won’t say no to spending time with you.” She rose from her seat, turning towards him to kiss his cheek. “Let me grab my coat.”  
He gallantly waited for her to get all of her things, then opened the door for her. Outside, she hesitated for a few seconds; _do I need to leave the keys to the house here?_ But she decided it was convenient to have the keys to Charlie’s house if there ever was an emergency, and tucked them in her bag.

The car ride to Port Angeles was quiet. The radio off. Carlisle wasn’t in a talkative mood. Bella’s thoughts were occupied with concern over Charlie.  
Only when Carlisle parked the car, but did not exit it, their silence grew heavy. Bella waited motionlessly, trying to give him the space he needed, hoping it would help him breach whatever subject he’d been struggling with.  
He remained quiet, though, even after a few minutes of heavy silence.  
She undid her seatbelt and turned towards him. He mirrored her movements mechanically. His eyes were unfocussed, distant.  
More minutes passed. Bella’s muscles grew tense; a response to the palpable tension in the car. It became increasingly clear Carlisle was not going to speak. Bella shifted her balance, leaning towards him. Her hand caressed his cheek. He closed his eyes. A soft sigh escaped her lips, and she moved in closer, ignoring the flair of pain going through her spine. Her other hand landed on his chest, mostly so she could keep her balance. Carlisle exhaled, but remained motionless otherwise. When she kissed him, he was passive. Leaning her forehead against his, she sighed again, then whispered his name. He flexed his jaw.  
She kissed him once more, lingering near his lips. “Carlisle, please,” she pleaded, “tell me what’s wrong.”  
He kept his eyes closed, though she saw his eyelids flutter. “I… I can’t - I’m not- I hurt you.”  
Well, she wasn’t going to lie. “Yeah.” Her hand slid down his chest, grabbing his arm and pulling it around her, purposely placing his hand on her back, on her spine, on the spot he’d hurt her. His fingers trembled and his face twisted in disgust when he felt the edges of the heat plaster she’d stuck down this morning to combat the pain through her thin shirt.  
“I’m- I can’t touch you anymore.”  
Bella pressed closer to him, ignoring it when her knee knocked into gearshift. “I want you to touch me.” She kept her tone even, kept her emotions out of it. “I like it when you touch me. I want you to touch me more. I cannot describe with words how much I want more from you.”  
“But I hurt you,” he protested, his beautiful face still twisted in that awful expression of disgust.   
_No, not disgust. Self-hate._  
“Yeah, you did,” she agreed, forcing him to press his fingers into the center of the heat plaster, swallowing the whimper that wanted to leave her throat. “And yet, I don’t want you to stop touching me. I’m _asking_ you to touch me. Are you going to deny me?”  
He sat frozen, and once again, she wished she could read his mind.  
“No.”  
“No, what, Carlisle?” she pushed him, wanting to hear him say it out loud.  
“No, I’m not going to deny you what you want.” His voice was gaining strength.  
“Good,” she breathed, letting go of his hand, feeling a sense of pride and relief when he kept it in place.  
“In return, I need you to promise me something.” His fingers caressed the edges of the heat plaster, making her shiver. “Anything.”  
“Tell me when I’ve hurt you. Confront me with it. Let me treat you if I injure you.”  
“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!  
> I've pre-written part of chapter 17, but it's not enough to think of a title yet, so I can't give you a sneak peek for next week. 
> 
> To those who are wondering if Bella will ever turn: I myself am not sure yet, I can imagine scenarios in which she will and scenarios in which she won't. I know this story is slow to progress (I mean, it's a slowburn for a reason), but that is kind of the point. This story is meant to be a little more mellow, more 'real world' issues rather than mystical ones. I find myself enjoying this a lot, and so that's what it's going to stay like.


	17. Preparations

Carlisle carried the pieces of her new bed inside while Bella popped into her kitchen, that Jacob and his friends had painted a sunny yellow upon her request. She waited for the water to boil so she could make a cup of tea, her eyes lazily following Carlisle around.  
When he’d put all the pieces of the bed and the new mattress in the backroom she had decided to make her bedroom, he entered the kitchen. At first, he kept his distance, but when Bella reached for him, he came closer. She lifted her head expectantly, smiling when his lips slid over hers. “Mhhm…” she hummed, letting him crowd her, allowing him to press her gently against the kitchen counter. His hand drifted from her shoulders down to her back until it settled over the heat plaster, creating a protective barrier between her sore back and the kitchen counter. It made her smile, and between his careful touches and gentle kisses, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever felt happier. She wrapped an arm around him, letting her hand settle low in his back. Her other hand found its place in between them, on his chest.  
His lips meandered from hers down to her neck, and she tilted her head back, allowing him better access. Without consciously doing so, both her hands fisted his shirt, growing desperate to keep him close. Cold kisses left a hot trail in their wake and she canted her hips against his, letting out a breathless sound of pleasure and anticipation. The angle was all wrong, though, and her heated core met his thigh instead the area she’d been aiming for. Not that she was mad about it, because his thigh proved equally delightful to rub against. Subconsciously, she widened her stance, managing a breathy moan when his response was to press his thigh closer to her core, almost as if he was offering her…  
The kettle on the stove started to shriek and the sound pulled her back into reality with such a shock that she raised her head, headbutting him and placing her weight over her feet again, knocking him out of the way. She blinked rapidly. “Um. Let me get the kettle.” With clunky movements, she sidestepped to the stove, taking the kettle and turning the stove off. She reached above her, to grab a mug out of the upper cabinets, simultaneously using the moment to draw in a deep, shaky breath. _God. There’s no denying the physical effect he has on me. We’re rapidly tumbling towards…_ but she couldn’t even form the words in her thoughts. Her core muscles tightened in anticipation and she rolled her shoulders down. Calm down, she instructed herself, drawing in another steadying breath. When she felt less like a madman, and more in control, she turned back towards Carlisle. The look on his face was unreadable, and his eyes were darker than they were this morning, now less of a deep honey and more charcoal grey, with only hints of the gold she’d grown so used to. She was surprised to feel her abdominal muscles clench, not having realised how much this darker look turned her on - _to be fair, he’s always well-fed when he’s around me_ she argued with herself.  
“I… Um,” she stuttered, suddenly feeling awkward. “That was um. Enjoyable.” _That’s gotta be the understatement of the century, you idiot._  
Carlisle laughed hoarsely and the sound went straight down Bella’s spine. She bit her lip, looking away. The effect he had on her was embarrassing.  
Deciding to break the spell, she gripped her cup of tea and moved towards the living room. She settled on the couch, pulling up her legs and leaning against the armrest.  
Carlisle followed slowly. He paused before the couch, and Bella lifted her legs, wordlessly inviting him to sit so she could drape her legs over his lap. He hesitated for a split second, then sat down. Bella threw her legs over his lap. “We should probably assemble the bed soon.” She pretended not to feel his muscles shift under her legs. “I don’t want to come home tonight and either have to still do that, or sleep on the couch.”  
“You’re right.”  
“Did you bring your suit, or do you have to swing by your house to get it?”  
“It’s in the car.”  
“Great, that saves us some time.” Bella sipped from her tea, feeling the lust-laden atmosphere relax as they spoke. She wasn’t sure if she was happy about that or not. Pushing herself, she murmured - almost hoping he wouldn’t hear, even though she knew that there was no way he wouldn’t - “will you stay the night?”  
He inhaled sharply. One, two, three seconds passed. “Yes.”

Holding two pieces of her new bed together as Carlisle joined them with a few screws, she wondered if life would’ve been easier if she’d had the courage to date, the nerve to step into a relationship with one of the puppy boys that used to follow her around campus. In the end, she’d never felt confident enough. She wasn’t much of a liar and being in a relationship for the sake of… relationship experience, had always felt wrong to her. Instead, she had crushed on the impossible men in her life, always falling for brain rather than brawn. The impossibility of it all had made her concede to the idea that she’d remain alone, and would be better off finding her happiness that way. She had learned how to get by alone, finding happiness and pleasure in small things. Once she’d accepted that romance was not in the stars for her, she’d found life was easier to live, lighter.  
“You’re a million miles away again,” Carlisle broke through her thoughts.  
“Oh, god, I’m sorry.” She felt blood rush to her cheeks and shook her head. “I was just… thinking about the ‘what ifs’ in my life.”  
Carlisle hummed, so she continued. “I guess I’m still in awe of… this.” She gestured from him to her to indicate she meant their relationship. “I had already given up on the idea of ‘me’ becoming an ‘us’.” Letting go of the two pieces now bolted together, she reached for the third piece, slotting it in with the other two. Carlisle moved on his knees, looking up to her briefly. “That’s an interesting train of thought.”  
Bella nodded. “Yeah, it’s… I guess if I’d _really_ wanted to date, to be with someone, I could have. But I never felt anything for those interested in me, and my interests were, well…” she looked down at him, analysed the way the dim sunlight coloured his hair golden, the way she could see muscles shift under his skin, then considered his kindness, intelligence and warm personality, “...you. But I hadn’t met you yet, and so the objects of my affection were more often than not, professors at my college or smart clients at the bookstore and those were all so far away I never even bothered. So I settled into the idea I’d be on my own forever and that gave me a certain amount of peace. As if, once I’d made the choice, life was easier. I deflected questions about my romantic life if anyone asked, and was fine with that. It made me…” she paused, searching for the words in her brain but not quite finding them, “independent? That’s not quite it…”  
“Autonomous?” Carlisle offered, shuffling around to fit the final piece of the bed frame in.  
“Yeah, I guess. And now that I have… you, I find myself wondering what my life would have been like if I hadn’t chickened out of romance… Would I be more dependent? Would I have moved to Forks at all?”  
Carlisle hummed again, considering her thoughts in the same way she had a few minutes ago.  
“Thinking about what ifs and could have beens is a good way to reflect on your life, a way to gauge if there is anything you missed out on, or if there is something you haven’t done, but really want to do. Therefore, I don’t think it’s wrong to consider these things.”  
Bella hummed her agreement, stepping out of the bed frame so Carlisle could lift the bed slats in.  
“I’m flattered to hear I’ve been able to make you decide romance is worth pursuing after all,” he then added, making her laugh quietly. “At first I was so confident I could make my crush on you go away. I’d done it before; falling for a married man, and falling in love with the impossibility of it. I used it as a coping mechanism; let myself fall for someone unattainable so I could harbor feelings of romance, but at the same time I guarded my heart carefully. Looking back, it was unhealthy.”  
Carlisle made a low noise of concurrence. “From that perspective, I think it’s extraordinarily brave that you decided to go for it after all.”  
“Maybe,” she conceded, walking up to him and fitting herself against his body, revelling the feelings of both physical and mental comfort she felt when she was around him.  
He chuckled, circling his arms around her and holding her close.  
“I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier than when I’m with you,” she whispered, nervous about the confession but at the same time feeling like she needed to say it out loud.  
Carlisle pressed his lips against her hair and murmured, “happiness is a gift we give each other.”

It was a strange thing, to be standing in her own bathroom, getting ready for a wedding, with Carlisle right on the other side of the door. That was probably the weirdest part. _Hi, allow me to introduce my vampire boyfriend, Carlisle Cullen, who was in a fake marriage up until a few months ago. Oh, this bruise on my spine? That’s from when he momentarily forgot I wasn’t as durable as he is and so he bruised me so badly that three full days later, I still can’t stretch properly because of the pain. Oh no his eyes don’t change colour, silly, it’s just the lighting._ She swallowed a hysterical chuckle, trying to ignore the nervous butterflies occupying her stomach.  
Bending closer to the mirror, she applied her eyeliner with shaky hands. Mascara followed - _thank god that covers up those shaky lines_ \- and lipstick was last. She’d chosen a deep, burgundy red to match her dress.  
Stepping back, she admired her hard work. Now all there was left to do was… She sighed.  
“Carlisle?”  
She heard his footsteps approach the bathroom, halting in front of the door.  
“Yes?”  
“Um. Can you help me put a new plaster on?” She’d taken the old one off before showering, and the dull throb of pain started to spike again. Under other circumstances, she would have left it as it was, but she was determined to enjoy this wedding to the fullest, and the heat plasters did help with the pain a lot.  
The door cracked open and he stepped inside, the packet of plasters in his hand.  
She turned her back to him, pulling the band of her stockings down a little and placing her hands on the sink so that her back would be flat: that was the easiest way to get the plasters to stick.  
“Bella, I…”  
“I know.” She kept her head down, afraid to make eye contact via the mirror. As per her last inspection, the sore spot was currently coloured purple, green and yellow, forming a near-perfect print of Carlisle’s hand. “I’m so sorry I did this to you.” His cold fingers skimmed the area and Bella hissed. “It’ll heal.”  
“I know, but still…” He expertly stuck down the plaster with light, careful motions. Bella could barely feel it. When he stepped back, she straightened herself, too, rolling her shoulders back down. They made eye contact via the mirror and Bella managed a sour smile. This wasn’t quite the situation she’d imagined when she thought about being half-naked in his presence. Or, well, stockings and her bra, but still...  
He was ever the professional, ever the gentleman though, looking at her face and nowhere else.  
Feeling supremely inelegant, she moved past him to grab her dress from its hanger and put it on. “Zip me up?”  
“Of course.” He came closer again, and remained close even after fulfilling his task. So she turned around, raising herself to her tiptoes and kissed him briefly. “You look dashing in that suit.”  
“Thank you.” It sounded stiff and Bella felt a surge of guilt flow through her. _Why did I ask him to help me? I could’ve done it myself. I’ve done it before. I shouldn’t hurt him like this._  
“Shall we go?”  
“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After writing, scrapping and rewriting a bunch, I'm now pretty pleased with how this chapter turned out. I hope you like it too.
> 
> Next week's chapter is (finally) going to be 'A winter wedding' - Sam and Emily's wedding. This will be the first time Bella and Carlisle publicly appear as a couple. 
> 
> As always, I'm happy to hear any thoughts and/or theories you have! Reading comments makes me really happy, almost giddy, and is highly motivating. Like I mentioned before, university pressure and other obligations are rising, making it harder for me to consistently write on this story. This is the third chapter I've finished on a Friday morning, the day of my usual uploads. I'm really trying to keep them consistent, but I might be a day ar two late in the future. I don't know.  
> Thank you for your loyalty in reading this. I promise it'll get smutty.... sometime, haha.


	18. A winter wedding

Arriving at the wedding venue - the beach near the forest, with the beautifully decorated trees as the backdrop for the ceremony. They had built a plateau on the sand for everyone to dance on. It was much like how Bella imagined her own wedding to be, someday, she suddenly realised. Dancing on the sandy plateau, however, would become uncomfortable as the night went on, and she decided to leave that out of her wedding plans.  
A steady walking path had been created with wooden planks for the guests who had gone with less than sensible footwear, making Bella feel relieved she’d chosen a pair of flats.  
As she and Carlisle cued up, she grabbed his hand, intertwining her already cold fingers with his. He smiled at her, and she smiled back, feeling light and happy.  
All the guests had dressed up beautifully, just like Sam and Emily had requested. Everywhere Bella looked were perfectly pressed suits, and floor length gala gowns. She couldn't spot any burgundy dresses though, and she smiled inwardly, happy with her choice.  
She and Carlisle were escorted to their seats by someone Bella didn’t recognise. Her eyes searched the venue, but she couldn't find Jacob amongst the guests. She was too busy admiring dresses and assessing the decor to notice the many stares that found their way over to her and Carlisle.  
Carlisle, however, was very much aware of the - mostly disproving - looks that were shot their way. He attempted to retain his inner calmth, but was ultimately frustrated by the situation. His outward appearance remained composed, however.  
Bella leaned towards him, whispering, “everyone is dressed up so nicely, this is just what Sam and Emily wanted. I’m so happy for them.”  
He pressed his lips against her hair. “That’s good to hear,” he murmured.  
_He sounds off…_ “What’s wrong?”  
Carlisle brushed her worries aside. “Nothing. Look, there they come.”  
Sam walked down the aisle alone, taking his place at the right side of the arch that formed the end of the aisle. His groomsmen followed a little later. There were only two of them, Paul and… Bella blinked. “Is that Jacob?” He’d cut his hair.  
“I think so.”  
“He looks… so different,” she murmured, relocating her gaze back to the beginning of the aisle, where Emily appeared at the arm of her father. She wore a modified a-line dress that cinched in her waist beautifully. The subtle flair accentuated her hourglass figure, and the lace detailing was absolutely breathtaking. Her hair was tucked up in a simple bun, with a floor-length veil adorning her hair. The veil was attached to a hair comb that was tucked in right above her bun.  
All of those details weren’t the main thing to catch Bella’s attention, though. It was Emily’s energy, her radiant smile, the way she seemed to all but float across the aisle towards Sam. It made Bella smile.  
Emily’s father handed her hands over to Sam and sat down at the front row. Billy, who functioned as the wedding officiant, started to speak.  
Bella listened intently, grabbing Carlisle’s hand when Sam and Emily spoke their self-written vows. Carlisle squeezed her hand softly, smiling at her. Bella couldn’t help but sigh at the romance and love that was almost visible between the couple, and when Billy said, “you may now kiss the bride,” the tenderness with which Sam cupped Emily’s cheek in one hand, pressing a careful, loving kiss to her lips, she choked up, fighting the tears gathering in her eyes. _I don’t want to ruin my make-up_ she thought as she blinked the tears away.  
Afterwards, everyone rose and made their way over to the newly-wedded couple. Carlisle and Bella were almost at the end of the line, and she was silently relieved that she had some time to gather her composure. Carlisle handed her a pocket mirror and she quickly fixed her make-up - _this is why I never wear this stuff, it’s so much work to keep it looking neat_ she internally complained.  
“Oh, Bella, I’m so happy you’re here!” Emily pulled Bella into a tight hug and Bella struggled not to wince at the pain in her back. “The ceremony was beautiful, congratulations,” she said, returning the hug carefully. She also hugged Sam, although she felt awkward with the motion, pulling back as soon as it was socially acceptable to do so.  
“And who is this?” Emily raised her eyebrows, looking over at Carlisle.  
Bella laughed nervously. “This, um, this is Carlisle Cullen. My… boyfriend.”  
Carlisle shook Emily’s hand and kissed her cheeks. “What a beautiful wedding, congratulations,” he said, his tone friendly and warm.  
“Boyfriend?!” Emily exclaimed, a little too loud and Bella felt her shoulders curl in defensively. “How long?!”  
“Um. A few months,” she answered uncomfortably.  
“You never said anything!”  
“It never came up,” Bella weakly defended herself, “we always had other stuff to talk about.”  
“Bella!”  
“I’m sorry, I - we…”  
“We agreed we’d keep quiet for a bit,” Carlisle cut in. “I only recently divorced and we thought it would not do us any good flaunting our new relationship.”  
Emily now seemed to understand their position. “Oh… I see…” The look she shot Bella told her she’d have some explaining to do.  
“Again, congratulations, I’m so happy for you,” Bella reiterated as she and Carlisle moved aside so the people behind them could take their place, “you’re the perfect couple.”

Carlisle got her a glass of wine while she found seating in one of the many seats scattered around the dance floor. She took the time to breathe in and out a few times, gathering her thoughts and gaining composure.  
“There you go.”  
Bella turned, still unnerved by how silently Carlisle could approach her. She took the glass from his hand and took a few sips.  
“Needing a drink to get through the night?” he asked, only half-joking.  
She sighed. “It’s just -” _What kind of future do we have? He’s not human. We’re not physically compatible. He’ll stay like this forever while I grow wrinkly and old._ “You know what? Never mind.” She stretched up to kiss him, smiling when he reciprocated without hesitation. 

After the first dance, Bella and Carlisle entered the dance floor. The floor was pretty much empty, save for them and two other couples. A little nervous, she accepted his outstretched hand, shaping herself after him. She closed her eyes, following blindly when he stepped forward, giving herself to the comfortable feeling of dancing with him.  
They remained on the floor for a few more dances, and just as they were about to retreat to give space to others, Sam walked up to them, smiling as he asked Bella to dance with him.  
“Oh. Of course.” Reluctantly, _why do I always feel intimidated by Sam? He’s such a kind person,_ Bella let go of Carlisle’s arm, accepting Sam’s invitation.  
He led her onto the floor and, in accordance with the music, started a casual rumba. A little daunted by his obvious skill, she tried her best to follow him as well as she could.  
He seemed to take her lesser skill into account, leading her through fans and new yorkers almost patiently. It sucked the passion out of their rumba, though, and her mind briefly flickered to the rumbas she’d danced with Carlisle - they certainly had been steamier than this.  
As soon as she’d had the thought, Sam pulled her close in the fan, leading to them being almost nose to nose. She had nowhere to look but his face and the moment stretched out in front of her, seemingly lasting forever. Then she felt the switch and relieved beyond anything she could describe with words, she stepped forward, swivelled and turned. Her dress whirled with her prettily and the breeze cooled her hot skin. _God this is uncomfortable. Won’t this song end, ever?_  
“... so it’s not a good idea,” she heard Sam finish whatever he’d been telling her.  
“Um…” She turned upon his indication. “I’m sorry I got none of that.” Her cheeks were red - she felt the telltale creep of blood that she was so familiar with.  
Sam laughed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed you could dance and talk at the same time.”  
“I’m sorry,” she said again, feeling supremely awkward and out of place.  
He ended her misery by twirling her out of his grasp, but before she could flee the floor, his arm landed around her waist, pulling her in closer than was appropriate - closer than she was comfortable with. “I was saying,” he said, his voice low and his tone dark, his previous casual and nonchalant tone completely gone now, “that I’m not too happy you brought a bloodsucker to my wedding.”  
Bella stiffened, trying to jerk free from his grip without making a scene. “Excuse me?”  
“Keep your monster boyfriend far away from here, next time.”  
“My invitation had a plus one. I decided to bring my boyfriend. I do not see what your problem is.” She dug her nails into his arm, pressing until she felt skin give away and the nauseating smell of blood filled her senses. With a low growl, Sam let go of her. “Thank you for the dance,” she added, backing away from him without turning around. “Please don’t ask me to dance with you ever again. I see we have irreconcilable views when it comes to what is acceptable to bring to a wedding, and what is not.” As soon as she stepped off the dance floor, Carlisle was there, grabbing her hand and pulling her close. “Are you okay?” he whispered.  
“I’m fine.” She knew she sounded rude and hoped he realised it wasn’t meant towards him. “Do you have a handkerchief?”  
Carlisle procured one from his jacket pocket and she used it to pick the blood from underneath her nails. She tossed it in a trashcan on the way back to their table. 

Later that night, as Carlisle was at the bar fetching her another glass of wine, Mr. Atera approached her. “Hello Bella, are you enjoying the night?” He sat down on Carlisle’s chair, smiling at her  
“I am!” she answered, channeling as much happy energy as she could. “I really like that we have so much space to dance, and the ceremony was just beautiful. Sam and Emily are like a dream couple, meant to be together.”  
“They’re certainly well-matched,” Mr. Atera agreed. “How’s the cabin so far?”  
“Absolutely wonderful, thank you so much.” She crossed her legs and smiled at him. “When I moved back to Forks I had considered finding a house here instead of in the city and I… At the time I thought it might be disrespectful, but I guess things were just meant to be.”  
“Many of us consider you a part of the tribe already.” Mr. Atera leaned in to pat her hand. “Having you here with us is just like things were meant to be.” And with those words, he rose again, leaving her alone at the table. 

The night was nearing two in the morning, Bella’s feet hurt and she was certainly at least a little tipsy, but none of that stopped her from entering the dance floor for the last dance. Trying not to cling to Carlisle like a desperate, drunk college girl, she made an attempt at upholding her dance frame. It made Carlisle chuckle, and he pulled her close to him, let his arm slide down from her shoulder to the waist whilst he dropped the other one, elbow now parallel to his side. They swayed slowly, making small steps to the beat of the music, dancing no dance in particular. Bella leaned her head against his chest, sighing deeply as the music faded out. “Carlisle?”  
“Yes?”  
“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens..... 
> 
> Next week's chapter is "at last".


	19. At last

Bella giggled as she and Carlisle stumbled across the threshold of her house, holding onto his arm for balance. “I should really install a light by the door,” she whispered, before realising no one else was home - this was her home, not Charlie’s.   
Carlisle flicked on the living room light and Bella blinked against the sudden brightness. “We’ll look into that tomorrow, or rather, the day after tomorrow,” he said with a glance on his watch.   
Bella let go of his arm and made her way over to the kitchen, where she filled a glass of water and drank with large gulps, refilling her glass almost immediately.   
Carlisle followed her into the kitchen, his footsteps slow and measured. The kitchen chair scraped against the floor as he sat down. She turned, sitting down across him. They sat together in silence for a while. It wasn’t a bad silence though, and Bella let it stretch for a few more minutes before speaking up. “I think I’ll take a shower before tucking in.” She let her eyes glide over him, taking in his magnificent form, the way his dark red dress shirt contrasted with his alabaster skin and his dark, dark eyes. _What did I do to deserve him?_ she wondered briefly, before shaking the thought out of her head. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” She kissed his cheek as she went past him, but he remained motionless, _probably as jittery as I am._

The hot water of the shower made her feel level-headed and in control, and she applauded herself for the decision. Other than being warm and physical comfort, taking a shower had been pretty useless, so she was happy that it at least made her feel more in control.   
_I should stop making such a big deal out of this. It’s just Carlisle. Stop wasting time and just get out there._  
She got out of the shower, brushing through wet hair rougher than she’d normally do and stepped into a set of clean pjs, feeling silly about how performative it all was. _I act as if I am in control therefore I am in control. Fake it till you make it._  
So she pushed open the door to her bedroom, unsurprised when she saw Carlisle sitting on her neatly made bed. She joined him, brushing her leg against his as she did so. Feeling increasingly stupid, she murmured, “hey.”   
“Hey,” he whispered back, making Bella smile faintly. “I really enjoyed today,” she then mumbled, keeping her voice low, as she pulled up her legs, tucking herself closer to his side.   
“Me too.” His voice was an echo of hers, both in tone and loudness. It made her smile again.   
“Are you sure you want me to stay?”   
Bella drew away from him so she could see his response when she resolutely nodded. “Yes, I want you to stay. Please stay.”   
His eyes seemed to darken even more, only a shadow of gold still in them now. “Then I will.”  
The atmosphere was heavy. She sighed, muttering, “this is stupid,” under her breath, momentarily forgetting he could hear her with perfect clarity.   
“Is it?” he questioned.  
“Yes!” She crossed her legs, then her arms. “Yes, this is stupid. We’re both consenting adults. We’re in a relationship. We both want this. There is absolutely no reason for this to be this awkward. So why…” she searched for words, trying not to blame him for the situation, “why is it like this?”  
“I might hurt you.”  
Bella fought the urge to roll her eyes. “Yeah. So what?”  
“I…”  
“Either you want me, full package, or you don’t. It’s that simple.” She was surprised the resoluteness in her tone   
“I… I do.”  
“Great.” She leaned forward and kissed him, letting gravity topple them both over, back into the bed. As always, his kiss was enough to make her lose her breath. She was determined to not let him pull away when he granted her a pause to breathe, instead keeping him close. Pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, she smoothed her hands down his shirt, pulling it out of his trousers and fighting with the buttons. His cold hands pushed hers out of the way to unbutton his shirt instead and she managed a quiet laugh, kissing him again, more seriously this time. As soon as he’d shrugged out of the garment, she had her hands on his chest again, marvelling at his smooth, silky skin.   
He slid his hands down her back playing with the edge of her fuzzy pyjama top for a short moment, then slid his cold hands over her back, making her shiver - it was a good shiver though and she pressed closer to him, laughing breathlessly when his fingers slid over her back, searching for a bra band that wasn’t there. “I felt it was useless to wriggle myself into a bra when we were only going to take it off again.” She sat up a little more, pushing his hands out of the way and pulling her shirt off over her head. Her heart was beating wildly, feeling as if, any moment now, he’d refuse her and they’d be back to square one.  
Carlisle reached for her and she leaned back down again, letting him pull her closer willingly.   
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, making her chuckle nervously. “I could say the same about you.”   
He chuckled, sliding his hands over her back again, grabbing her hips and flipping them over. The cold skin of his chest against hers made her nipples harden and, somehow still embarrassed over the whole ordeal, she could feel blood rise to her cheeks. Carlisle’s eyes darkened. His lips slid over hers teasingly, before making their way down her neck. Bella slid her fingers through his hair as her breathing became shallow; it became hard to focus on anything other than the sensation of his silky lips exploring her body. She gasped and involuntarily squeezed her thighs together when he kissed her breasts; the sensation went straight down and she pressed her hips up, desperate for any sort of friction.   
His grip on her hips grew tighter, making her moan a breathless moan, “Carlisle…”  
“I know, dear,” he murmured. Pushing one leg up, he gave her the friction she so craved and she felt helpless - but good - and she pressed her core against him, whimpering when it wasn’t enough. Her fingers carded through his hair and she shifted her hips again. “Carlisle, please,” she breathed, wriggling against his unyielding hands holding her into place. She couldn’t possibly be _more_ ready for him. They’d do lengthy foreplay and extensive exploration some other time - she wanted him now, so it was time to ditch the trousers.   
Moving minutely, Carlisle placed himself in the perfect position to tower over her, and pin her in place at the same time. His hard cock pressed against her and his hands, that had been holding her into place so far, slid off in different directions; one caressing her breasts with soft, teasing touches, while the other slipped into her trousers, touching her in the most intimate place. She arched up into his touch, moaning his name desperately. He silenced her with a kiss, murmuring: “I know sweetness, just give me some time,” against her lips.   
She closed her eyes, couldn’t process visual input at the same time as physical ones. Breathing in shallowly, she pressed her hips against his hand, whimpering when his talented fingers found just the right spot. One of her hands was slung somewhere above her, while the other gripped his hair tightly, as if, once she’d let go, he’d be gone. Heat was building in her core and her muscles clenched, but he didn’t stop, bringing her to a more intense climax than she’d ever had before.   
Her hips sunk back into her bed, and, still heaving, she opened her eyes, only to be confronted with his dark, passionate eyes. “God, Carlisle,” she sighed, taking a moment to gain composure before realising he was still - “again,” she then murmured, making use of his slackened grip on her to wriggle out of her bottoms, then reaching for his belt.   
He stopped her. “Bella, darling, this is… enough.”  
Feeling offended, she raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”  
He didn’t repeat himself, casting his eyes upwards. She could see his lips move, but not hear his silent whisper - _is he praying?_ She suppressed a laugh, using his distraction to reach for him again, and this time he didn’t stop her. With shaky hands, she undid his belt. It took him a second or two to become cooperative, but when he did, it all happened faster than she’d anticipated; it seemed as though she’d only blinked before she was on top of him, now both of them naked.   
Carlisle placed his hand on her hip and slowly guided her down. Closing her eyes, she bit her lip, still sensitive from her previous climax. The sensation of him filling her up, stretching her walls was completely other from when he’d finished her with his fingers. It took her a minute or two to get used to the foreign feeling.   
When she opened her eyes she was once again confronted with his dark, hungry eyes. She clenched her muscles, making him moan. It made her laugh a little - _I love the effect I have on him. I love him._  
With the guidance of his hand on her hip, she started to roll her hips, first slowly, but when she got the hang of the movement, faster. It took some effort, but she kept her eyes open, marvelling in how she could read his response - how in sync his moans were with hers, how his pleasure mirrored hers. As the pleasure built up, she once again struggled to breathe, panting as she pressed her hips into his over and over again. She reached down, touching herself so she could climax, moaning his name with stuttery moans as she came again. All her muscles relaxed and she slumped forward, pressing her forehead into his, stretching her lower back to keep her hips close to his.  
His hand slid down her side and gripped her hip, now grasping both of her hips tightly. He thrust upwards, in her again and again, sending a shadow of her earlier climax through her core with every thrust. She half-breathed, half-moaned his name into his ear, receiving a low moan back from him as he came too.  
They remained entangled for a few moments more, until Bella broke their blissful silence with a laugh. “If we’re gonna do this more often, I think I need to start working out more.”  
Carlisle laughed. 

The next morning, Bella woke, bundled in blankets, Carlisle spooning her from behind, feeling warm and overjoyed.  
She turned around and kissed him. “Good morning.”  
Carlisle smiled. “Morning, sweetness. How did you sleep?”  
Bella stretched, feeling just a hint of soreness in her muscles. “Wonderful. I think I should start drinking a glass of wine every night before sleeping,” she teased him, making him chuckle. “I’m not sure if that’s a habit I can support.”  
“I’ll have to figure something else out then,” she mused, cuddling up to him even closer.   
“I’m sure you’ll find it out,” he said, half-laughing.   
Bella stroked the soft skin under Carlisle’s eyes, now cleared of the dark circles that had been there last night. The familiar gold was back.   
“I see you’ve been doing some other night-time activities, too,” she mentioned as casually as she could.   
“I figured it would be most convenient to both of us if I used your sleeping hours to go for a hunt.”  
“Yeah.” She kissed him again, smiling at how mundane it felt. If this was what life was going to be like from now on, she was all-in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The smut is finally here, lol. I had a hard time writing this, and kept on postponing it because I wanted any physical interaction between them to be 1) something that fits in with their character development, 2) it had to fit in and further the plot and 3) it had to feel genuine and honest. And because I couldn't find the right time, I got drunk with a few friends and then decided to write the rough draft. I ended up liking it, and neatened it up the next day (thanks, sober me, haha). 
> 
> Let me know what you think! I'm always eager to hear/read any comments you have. They make me really happy. 
> 
> Next week's chapter is: "High spirits"


	20. High spirits

Bella hummed along with the music on the radio as she danced through her kitchen, grabbing the ingredients for oatmeal muffins and laying them out on the kitchen counter. She set the milk and oatmeal aside to soak for a bit, and cracked open two eggs in another bowl, adding the other wet ingredients to it, and then mixing her dry ingredients in a separate bowl.   
Swinging her hips to the beat, she whisked everything together with a fork and then filled her muffin mold, sliding it all in the oven. With a satisfied sigh, she poured herself a cup of coffee and sank down in one of her kitchen chairs. A glance on the clock in the windowsill told her it was once again ridiculously early to be awake, but she already knew that.  
She’d been living in the cabin for a little over a month now and Christmas was rapidly approaching. Days were getting shorter and colder and more often than not, Bella got up in darkness, watching the sun rise as she ate her breakfast before heading off to work. The hospital had hired a third general receptionist to help alleviate the pressure on her and Marjorie, and now she almost exclusively worked the daytime shift from seven am to four pm, and she liked it.   
The lock on the front door clicked and she smiled. “Morning honey!” she called into Carlisle’s general direction, smiling broader when he entered the kitchen.   
He’d been coming over - and staying over - frequently enough that, next to having his own key, his things were scattered around the house; he’d taken up a small part of her wardrobe and the latest book he was reading was more often than not on the coffee table next to the couch. Only recently she started calling him pet names. At first she’d felt awkward about it, and stupid, but he always did it for her and the first time she dropped a pet name, his response had been acute - if he’d been able to tear up she was sure she would have.   
“Good morning, dear,” he greeted as he stepped into the kitchen.   
Bella rose from her seat, pretty much walking into his embrace. Even after months of dating him, part of her was still surprised that he wasn’t warm, despite multiple layers of clothing and a coat. The cold sent a shiver across her spine and it made Carlisle chuckle. “Want me to get the heater going?”   
Pressing closer into him, Bella shook her head. “Nah, I’m good.” She raised her head to kiss him, her lips curling into another smile as she did so. “It’s a shame to waste good firewood when I’m going to be gone in an hour. I’ll turn it on when I get home.”   
“I’m off at three, why don’t I light it for you?” he suggested. Bella laughed quietly. “Is this the segue into you announcing you’ll be staying over?”  
“Yes. Unless you want me to ask for your permission?” His tone was oh so innocent and Bella snorted. “You have the front door keys, and even if I took them from you, I doubt I’ll be able to keep you out even if I wanted to.”  
“Hm… Well, I suppose that’s true.”   
“See?” She untangled herself from his embrace to check on the muffins. When she decided they were done, she took them from the oven and popped one out of the mold to eat. She left the oven door cracked open so that the heat of it could warm the cold kitchen.   
“I can’t believe we’re only a few weeks away from Christmas,” she murmured, gazing out the window. _I wonder when the first snow will fall._  
“The year flew by,” Carlisle agreed.   
“Are you on call for Christmas?” Bella crossed her legs and rolled the sleeves of her sweater up.   
“No, I took off from Christmas until past new year’s.” His tone was casual, conversational, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling something more was behind it. So she took the bait. “Do you have a special family tradition?”  
He shook his head. “No, I usually just work through the holidays. We’ve had plenty of family holidays together and an eternity of them left to go, so I don’t mind working so my colleagues can have time with their families.”  
Now fully curious, she asked; “so why did you take time off?”  
Carlisle shifted in his seat, looking away from her before answering. “I… We’d like to invite you to spend Christmas with us. Esme’s coming back to celebrate too and Alice keeps asking when you’ll come over again so…”   
“Oh, I…” _God, I’ve been a terrible girlfriend; I’m constantly stealing him away from his family and neglecting my friends,_ she realised with a sinking feeling. “I’d like that.” As soon as she’d said it, she felt nervous butterflies occupy her stomach. “Are there any traditions I should be mindful of? Do you give each other gifts, or is it a secret santa type thing or…”  
“We decorate the tree together, everyone gives everyone one or two gifts, no price limit or minimum. We play board games throughout the night and take a hike sometime later in the day,” Carlisle rattled off.   
Bella exhaled, forcing her shoulders down. “Okay. I can do that.”   
“We’d love to have you.”

Bella was barely settled into Emily’s comfortable couch when her friend asked the first question of what would turn out to be a crosshearing of her relationship with Carlisle.   
“How’d you two meet?”  
“Hospital. He hired me after I applied for the general receptionist job.”  
“Did you know he was married? And did you pursue him regardless?”  
“Yes, and no. Esme and I are still friends.”  
Emily raised her eyebrows, giving Bella a stern look over her cup of tea. “Really?”  
“Really! They’ve invited me over for the holidays, too.” She bit her lip. “I’m kind of lost on what to give everyone, to be honest.”  
“Okay, let’s park the holidays for a minute.” Bella could see the gears in Emily’s brain work on full speed.  
“Did you… You know.”  
Bella blinked, _did she just actually ask me if we’ve slept together yet? Is this what friends with relationships talk to each other about?_ “I’m sorry, what?”  
Emily rolled her eyes. “Did you fuck him yet?”  
Blood rushed to Bella’s cheeks and she suddenly didn’t know where to look. “Um. Yeah.”  
“He any good?”  
Bella felt her face radiating heat and ducked her head down, looking at her lap. “Um. I mean… It’s… Yeah.” _Not that I have anything to compare him to._  
“Are you serious about him?” Emily asked after a short pause.   
Suddenly glad she was looking at her lap, Bella considered the question for a bit. _… Am I?_  
“Well?” Emily pushed.   
“I - I think so. He makes me happy.”  
“You’re such a sap,” Emily laughed, though her tone was more serious when she continued, “I’m glad you have someone in your life that makes you happy. So how are you handling his massive family? Does he expect you to be involved?”   
“Well…” Bella contemplated what to say, eventually choosing to frame her answer as neutrally as she could. “He spends a lot of time at my place.” Her thoughts flickered to the more than pleasant night-time - or daytime, really, there wasn’t a moment in the day where she wasn’t up for some romantic cuddling, especially if it led to something more - escapades they’d had so far. “I think he feels uncomfortable exposing his kids to our relationship, especially since he and Esme divorced. It may have been on good terms but… Well, I don’t know. Edward seems especially sensitive about it all - Carlisle mentioned how fond he is of Esme, and she’s been avoiding the whole situation by spending an extended period of time with their family in Alaska. Alice and I get along really well, though I can’t say I’ve spoken much to Jasper or Rosalie.” She paused, weighing her words before she continued, “I feel like Emmett and I could be real bros, and I like him, but Rosalie isn’t overly fond of me and he kind of sticks close to her.” She shifted in her seat, and pulled up her legs. Emily was still more than interested and motioned at her to go on.   
“Yeah so, um. I guess Carlisle’s being pretty low maintenance. He doesn’t really ask me to participate in their family much. All of the kids are pretty much grown anyway…” _I mean, they’re immortal beings, I’m pretty sure they’ve got their bases covered when it comes to emotional maturity._ “So like I said, he spends a lot of time at my place.”  
Emily raised her eyebrows. “How much time?”  
“Um.” Bella looked away, though her body betrayed her with another deep blush, making Emily gasp, “Isabella Swan, _how much_ time does he spend at yours?”  
“Um. So. He may or may not have his own set of keys?” Bella mumbled, looking at the floorboards as if she could make them turn colour by sheer will alone. “And have, um. A section of my wardrobe for his things.”  
“Bella!” Emily exclaimed, scandalised.   
On a roll now, Bella went on as if Emily had said nothing. “And he, uh, has a book, or two, or five, at my place? He leaves them at the coffee table, it’s very cute. I wish he read easy books though, but I haven’t been able to convince him to take a peek at my books - I don’t think he’s into trashy romance novels. He reads like, Odysseus and Homerus.”  
“You are absolutely smitten!” Emily laughed.   
Bella shrugged, feeling awkward still. “I guess. How are you and Sam? Do you enjoy being Mrs. Uley?”  
Emily launched her stories about being newlywed with fervor and Bella settled deeper into the couch with a smile. _Diversion technique: successful._

On the first day off Bella didn’t share with Carlisle, she went into Port Angeles to shop for Christmas gifts. She wasn’t sure what she was going to get everyone - nor was she certain about for whom to buy gifts. _All the Cullen kids, Carlisle and Esme, Charlie, Emily, maybe Sam, a courtesy gift for Mr. Atera, Renee and Phil… Jacob?_ She hadn’t seen Jacob since the wedding and realised with a sinking feeling that she’d been ignoring him completely.   
She parked in the city center and with steely determination made her way over to a bookstore. Tempted by the young adults section, she couldn’t help but browse a little, and that’s when a plan formed in her head. High spirits returned to her as she pulled a few books. Anyone watching her would’ve seen her smirking at books like a 4-year old with a plan to deceive their parents. 

On the way out of Port Angeles, she made two more stops; one at the angling shop to buy a new tackle box for Charlie, and one at the music store, where she was greeted warmly by a male employee about her age. “Hello, can I help you?” he asked, cheery demeanor evident, making her suppress a smile. “I think so, yes. I’m trying to buy a nice surprise for one of my friends; he’s a devoted pianist and quite past the point of learning music, so I’m trying to buy some sheet music of something he hasn’t played yet, or something that’ll pose a challenge for him.”  
“Oh, I’ve got just the thing for you!” The employee - his name tag read Scott - strode over to the sheet music section, grabbing a few books and handed them to Bella. She chose two without looking, asking the employee to wrap them up for her.   
Nine minutes later she was outside again, feeling triumphant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> The next few chapters are pre-written (I'm currently working on ch23), with the next chapter being "Making amends".  
> I promise I'm working to bring this story to a close; I've been thinking a lot about whether Bella will remain human or become a vampire, and what kind of future she and Carlisle have. But due to my inabilty to write anything in the amount of space I've planned for it, it might take a while. I _think_ I'm aiming at around 30ish chapters total, but it might be longer if I continue to write more words than I plan, haha.
> 
> I'll see you next week!


	21. Making amends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both this chapter and the next one are a little longer than my chapters usually are, I hope you'll enjoy both of them!

Armed with a tray of muffins, Bella went over to Billy’s. The door was unlocked, so she let herself in. “Billy?” she called out into the house.  
“Kitchen!”  
“I made you muffins,” she said as she entered the kitchen.  
“That’s very nice, thank you.” His tone was warm, but Bella felt like something was off nonetheless.  
_Maybe he’s just having an off day,_ she reassured herself. “I was hoping to catch Jacob, is he home?” Instead of sitting down, she leaned against the kitchen counter.  
Billy avoided looking at her. “He’s out.” His tone was more hostile now.  
Bella continued to ignore his tone. “Okay. Will you tell him I dropped by? I’ve called him a few times but he’s not answering… or returning my calls.” Knowing that Billy was always sensitive to her damsel-in-distress act, she dialed it up to ten. “I haven’t seen or spoken him since Sam and Emily’s wedding and I…” She bit her lip. “I think he’s angry about me and Carlisle and I never meant to hurt his feelings, you know?”  
“I’ll tell him you dropped by.” Billy’s voice has lost its hostility, though he still seemed to be avoiding her gaze.  
“Thank you.”

Jacob called her later that day. A small, vindictive part of her wanted to ignore the call, but she pushed it away and answered her phone. “Hi, Jake.”  
“Bella.” His tone was low and it sounded like he had to grit out the words, only adding to her anxiety over the whole situation.  
“How… how are you?” she asked carefully, trying to navigate the conversation best she could.  
“I’m fine.”  
“I thought maybe you’d been sick since you weren’t returning my calls…”  
“I’m fine,” he repeated and once again his apathetic tone struck her. She went into offensive mode. “You don’t sound fine. What’s going on? I saw you cut your hair. I thought you liked it long.”  
“We can’t be friends anymore.”  
“What?!” she all but exploded. “Well excuse me but ending a friendship takes two willing parties and I’m not willing to drop you. _Tell me what’s wrong!_ ”  
“Bella I - I can’t, okay?” His tone waivered, revealing how susceptible he was to her.  
“No, not okay! Where are you? I’m coming to you.”  
“No, no! I… I’ll come to you.”  
“I’m at Charlie’s. If you don’t show up within 30 minutes I _will_ throttle you,” she threatened.

As she heard a car approaching, Bella put her paint roller down, making her way to the front door to let Jacob in. He stayed outside though, and shook his head, “we should do this outside.”  
“Um. Okay…?” she stepped outside. “Is the backyard okay?”  
“Yeah.”  
She went ahead of him, quelling all of her nervous thoughts. When they stood in the backyard, a few feet apart, she crossed her arms. “So?” _He looks so different…_  
Jacob was all hard lines now. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been toned previously, and she considered the thought that it might be an optical illusion, that he seemed harsher now, maybe because he’d cut his hair. But no, that wasn’t the only thing. All his softness was gone, replaced by an icy coldness that was completely new to her.  
“I… I can’t… _tell_ you.” Jacob struggled to get the words out.  
_It’s as if someone is holding his tongue in his mouth, preventing him from saying it._ “Why’d you come here if you can’t tell me what it is?”  
“Because… While I can’t tell you… I can show you.” His face contorted, as if even explaining that much hurt him physically. “You know I’d never do anything to hurt you right?”  
Bella looked him up and down sceptically, still feeling sour but softening as the seconds ticked away. She just couldn’t be mad at Jacob - especially when their current predicament had been as much her fault as his. “Yeah.”  
“Okay erm. Keep that in mind.” He pulled off his shirt and bent down to untie his shoes, kicking them off.  
Bella coloured, looking away quickly. “Um… Jake…?”  
“I’m sorry, just wait,” came his tense reply.  
From the corner of her eyes, Bella could see Jacob shift. It went accompanied by a sound she couldn’t identify, and when she’d blinked, a massive wolf had taken Jacob’s place.  
With a yelp, Bella jumped back. “Oh my god!”  
The wolf remained motionless, blinking at her slowly.  
“I… Shit. Jake?”  
The wolf nodded, now keeping its head low.  
Bella couldn’t take her eyes off him. “Holy shit.” She’d never used this many swear words in her life. “How… I… _God_.”  
He phased back and Bella averted her eyes just in time. Well after she’d heard the sounds of him getting dressed, she looked back at him. In a protective gesture, she crossed her arms again. “So. What. You’re a wolf now?” _As if my life needed any more complications._  
“Yeah.”  
“ _How?!_ ”  
“It’s. Um. You know how the Quileute are supposedly descendants from wolves? I guess that’s how.”  
Bella dropped her arms beside her body, shaking her head in disbelief. “So… so now what?”  
Jacob stepped closer, throwing his arms around her and pulling her in close for one of his bear-hugs she was so fond of. “Now this.”  
She laughed, returning the hug. “I missed you, Jake.”  
“Missed you too.”  
“I’m gonna need a whole lot more context than ‘we’re descendants from wolves’ though.”  
“I’ll tell you as much as I can.”

For a few moments, while they were working on Charlie’s house, Bella almost felt like she had when she first arrived in Forks, and she and Jacob had only just started the project of fixing up Charlie’s house. But reality dawned on her soon enough when Jacob started explaining his story.  
“I, uh, phased first the day you got the cabin,” he began, and although Bella wanted to ask about a million questions about that, she kept quiet, giving him the chance to tell his story first.  
“I was just… so angry after I saw you with Dr. Leech, like my skin was crawling and my body was not large enough to hold all of me in. When I came home dad asked - I don’t even remember, and I just, burst out of my skin.”  
“Just like that?” She couldn’t help but ask. “Does it hurt?”  
“Just like that,” he confirmed. “In the beginning it’s kind of painful, yeah, but after a few transformations you don’t really feel it anymore.” He reloaded his paint roller, moving to a new patch of wall. “Anyway, I joined the pack afterwards and we have some tough rules, like not telling anyone outside the tribe what we are. It’s not really a problem for anyone else, but of course, I have outside friends so… Sam ordered me to cut all ties, at least until I’d be able to control myself.”  
“Sam did?” she asked, not able to keep the venom out of her tone.  
“Sam’s our alpha, we can’t _not_ obey him.”  
“I never liked him,” she spat out, “what a dick.”  
Jacob laughed. “To be fair, Bella, you did bring a vampire to his wedding. I can’t say I wouldn’t be a little upset if you’d done that to me.”  
Bella choked when he said ‘vampire’ so casually. “Is, uhhhh… that… um.”  
“It’s part of the legends, yeah. Kind of an open secret among all of us.”  
“I can’t believe how casual you are about this,” she murmured.  
He shrugged. “You get used to it.”  
“Sure…”  
For some time, it was quiet between them as they worked to paint all the walls in Charlie’s living room. The silence was only broken by Bella’s phone alarm, which she promptly turned off. “Time to clean up. I don’t want to be here when Charlie comes home.”  
“I thought you two had made up…?” Jacob half-asked.  
“We have not.” Bella wrapped her roller in tin foil and handed Jacob a piece, too. “I’m just… Being stupid, I guess. But I told him I’d fix the house, you know? And I guess part of me is hoping he’ll come around.” She put the paint away and scribbled a note on a scrap piece of paper, placing it on the kitchen table.  
“I’m sure he’ll give in,” Jacob said, trying to comfort her.  
“I guess. We’ll see.”

It took three more painting sessions and leaving a note about hiring someone to redo the bathroom for Charlie to respond to Bella’s continued attempts to soften him enough for a conversation.  
He came to the cabin on a chilly Thursday night, just as Bella and Carlisle had settled on the couch to watch a movie. She went to the door when someone knocked, genuine surprise on her face when she saw who it was. “Dad?”  
“We should talk.”  
Bella stepped aside. “Come in. Do you want some tea? Or coffee?”  
“Either’s fine.” He stepped inside, letting Bella take his coat.  
“I’ll get the kettle going.” Carlisle got up from the couch and moved to the kitchen, granting Bella and Charlie a moment of privacy. No words were spoken as they settled on the couch.  
Carlisle brought them a pot of tea. “I’ll leave you two alone for a bit.”  
“You don’t have to go sweetheart,” Bella protested mildly, but Carlisle shook his head. “I really should.” He kissed her cheek, whispering, “call me when you’re done,” so quietly she wasn’t sure he’d said it at all.  
Carlisle left, and the silence between Bella and Charlie grew heavier as the minutes passed by.  
Charlie broke the silence. “Did your mother ever tell you why we divorced?” His voice was rough.  
Bella shook her head. “No.” _She always emphasized how boring Forks was, and how trapped she felt._  
“Your mother… Please don’t think any less of her - your mother cheated on me, Bella.”  
“Oh, dad, I’m…” _sorry_? She didn’t know what to say.  
“After we had you the… the spark was just gone and she… she found that somewhere else.” Charlie looked past her, old sadness clouding his eyes. “I wish she’d just told me at the time but I guess I wasn’t… I found out after a few months. Divorcing me really freed her. She’s much happier now.”  
Bella was at a loss for words, feeling a complex emotion somewhere between sadness for her father, a cold rage for her mother and general distraught.  
“I overreacted when you told me about you and Dr. Cullen.” Charlie’s tone was even rougher now, as he strained to get the words out. “It reminded me of what happened to me, so I lashed out. I’m sorry I treated you like this, and that I waited so long to talk to you about it.”  
Bella drew in a deep breath. “Dad, I’m so sorry about everything that happened. It was never my intention to hurt you. I should have been honest with you from the start.”  
“It’s fine,” he cut her off. “As long as he makes you happy, it’s fine.”  
Thinking of Carlisle, she smiled. “He does.”  
“That’s good.” Charlie looked around the room, observant eyes taking in the obvious evidence of Carlisle’s frequent visits and for a split second, Bella felt awkward about it, but she pushed the feeling away. This was her house and if Charlie wanted to judge her on the fact that her boyfriend had pretty much moved in, he could do that all day long if he wanted to. She liked it, and that was all that mattered.  
“He’s around a lot, isn’t he?” Charlie asked, his tone a careful balance between curiosity and fatherly concern - _or no, scrutiny._  
“Yeah,” she confirmed, shrugging, “I guess he’s not comfortable with me staying at their house too much. I mean, he’s got five kids, so I get it.” She sipped from her tea, adding in a nonchalant tone, trying to keep the conversation light, “it’s all fine by me and if I don’t want him to be here I can kick him out anytime. It’s my house, after all.” Her tone reflected her attitude not alone towards Carlisle, but also towards any negative opinions Charlie might have.  
Charlie hummed, murmuring under his breath: “I always forget how mature you are.” He cleared his throat. “Well, if he ever gives you any trouble I’d be happy to rough him up a little.”  
Bella laughed. “Thanks dad.”

Later that night, as she got ready for bed, she realised the gravity of what had happened between her and Charlie, and she sighed as she reached for her hairbrush.  
“Penny for your thoughts?” Carlisle asked as he stepped into the bathroom with her, kissing her cheek. He took the brush from her and she looked at their mirror image, smiling at it, once again feeling grateful having such a warm, considerate partner.  
“I found out why Charlie was so upset when he found out about us.”  
Carlisle hummed his encouragement, brushing her hair with slow, careful movements.  
“Renee cheated on him after I was born.”  
“I can see how that would influence his judgement,” Carlisle murmured quietly. “How do you feel about it?”  
Bella hummed. “I’m not sure. I guess I’m sorry that he had to go through that. He’s always given me the feeling that Renee was his one and only, you know?” She sighed. “She really trampled his heart.”  
“Some loves are so deeply influential that it’s hard to disjoin yourself from it,” Carlisle placed her brush back down and kissed her temple. “It sounds like it was like that for him.”  
Leaning into his touch, Bella sighed. “I wish I could do something to help him feel… I don’t know.”  
“I understand.”  
“Anyway…” she turned around and kissed him, savouring his easy, open response. Since the night of the wedding, something seemed to have changed in him, making him more carefree, more at ease with physical contact between them. “Let’s go to bed,” she murmured against his lips, pressing her hips into his. Carlisle chuckled, letting her drag him along without protest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays!!  
> Due to my inability to write anything in the space I've planned for it, next week's chapter is 'Christmas'.


	22. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year!!

Christmas morning, Bella woke at 5 am - now her new daily routine. Her electric blanket was still on, making the bed nice and toasty despite Carlisle laying on the other side of her. He was reading.  
She yawned. “Morning. What are you reading?” Rolling over, she pressed her bare chest against his back, trying to read along with him.   
He closed his book, showing her the title; _a modern translation of Dante’s inferno._ She sighed. “Will I ever be able to convince you to read, like, the vampire diaries or anything written by Maggie Stiefvater?”   
He laughed. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to convince me.”   
Pressing a kiss into his shoulder, she answered, “yeah…” She rolled herself on her back, holding onto his arm to drag him along with her. He laughed. “Is this the part where you convince me?”  
Feeling her cheeks heat up, she bit her lip. “Maybe?”   
“Well, by all means then, convince away.” He shifted, laying on his side and supporting his head with his arm. Bella shuffled closer to him, tangling their legs together and placing a hand on his chest, idly drawing unseen patterns on his skin “Well, we’d have to set standards, of course. How else would we measure if I have swayed you?”  
“Mhm,” he hummed his answer. “Well…”   
“How about… hmmm…” she hooked her leg around his hip, pulling him closer so she could press their hips together, eliciting a soft sound of desire from him. “God, Bella, you’re going to be the death of me someday,” he half-laughed.   
“It’s a good thing you’re immortal, then,” she decided, sliding her hand down his arm, playing with his fingers for a second before bringing it up, pressing his hand against her chest. It only took a few brushes of his cold fingers for her nipples to harden, and she bit her lip, but didn’t avert her eyes, instead watching his expression intently. There was something magical about seeing the effect she could have on him.   
She shifted her hips against his again, feeling him harden as she did so. His eyes darkened, and his hand slipped down from her chest, caressing her hip and slowly pressing her deeper into the bed until she was pressed firmly on the mattress, feeling the heat of her electric blanket underneath her and his coldness on her front.   
She hitched her leg up, moaning his name as he grabbed onto her knee, forcing her to curl her leg around his hip, opening her up for him. He pressed his forehead against hers as he shifted his hips, entering her slowly. She drew in a deep, stuttery breath, lifting her hips to meet his with a breathless moan. As he bottomed out, she flexed her leg muscles, digging her heel into his back to keep him close.   
His muscles trembled and in the dim morning light, his eyes seemed darker than usual. Bella licked her lips and allowed her hips to fall back into the mattress. He followed immediately, pressing close to her, keeping eye contact even now.   
As he set a slow, languid pace, she closed her eyes for just a second, following his hips by feel alone, allowing him to press as deep into her as he wanted, as deep as he could. She raked her fingers through his hair and then across his back, gaining no grip on his smooth skin with her blunt nails. He moaned in response to her touches, slowing his pace even more, stretching time between them. Grabbing onto his hair again, she pressed his head towards her shoulder, where he obediently let his lips skate over her skin.   
“Ca- Carlisle,” she whimpered, bringing her hips up to meet his again, breathing out shakily as he thrust deep in her again, forcing her flat onto the bed. Her muscles clenched and she writhed, desperate for more friction against her sensitive core.   
He responded by grabbing one of her hands, bringing it down in between them. “Touch yourself,” he murmured, his voice rough and low, sending hot tingles down her spine.   
It took her some effort and a little wriggling, but she managed, rubbing her fingers in tight circles around her clit, breathing unevenly. It made her impatient for her climax and she pressed up again, trying to get him to pick up the pace, to which he responded with a low noise. “Not so fast,” he breathed, making her whimper, “but I’m so close…”   
He mouthed at her shoulder and kept up the slow, unhurried pace. “Don’t you want to come together?” He punctuated the sentence with another deep thrust in her and she managed a frustrated moan. “Fu-fuck you!”  
He laughed, but it sounded ragged. “If you want something, all you need to do is ask.”  
 _He’s close too_ , she thought. “Please, I - _ah!_ \- let me, let me come,” she panted, feeling dizzy with pleasure, teetering on the edge.   
“As you wish,” he grunted, finally quickening his thrusts, curling his hand around her hip to stabilise her as he pressed deep into her again and again. Biting her lip, she matched his pace, finally climaxing just moments before he did.   
Keeping her leg around his hip, he rolled them on their sides, remaining close for a few moments. Bella was panting, trying to catch her breath.   
“So did I convince you?” she asked, making him laugh hoarsely. “I don’t know, I think I need some more convincing.”  
Bella threw her head back and laughed. “I think you just want to test where my boundaries are.”   
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you curse before,” Carlisle chuckled, making her hit him in the chest jokingly. “Well you weren’t giving me what I wanted!”   
“I’ll give you anything you want,” he said, tone now turning serious. “I’ll do anything for you.”  
Bella sighed, her jolly mood quickly dissipating as her brain offered her the one question she hadn’t dared to ask for all these months. _What kind of future do we have?_

“I quite like you in red,” Carlisle said from the bed as Bella stood in front of her wardrobe, hesitating between a dark forest green sweater or a wine red one. She took out the red one, holding it up in front of her. “You do?”  
He got up from the bed, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her close. With a laugh, she complied, pressing herself close to his naked body. “I do,” he murmured, his voice low as a cold hand traced the line of her bra strap. “It looks elegant.” His fingers toyed with the hooks of her bra, making her laugh again. “Honey, I don’t think we have enough time.” She stretched up to kiss him and withdrew - or more, attempted to withdraw - herself from his arms. But he held a firm grip on her - though she was sure that if she _really_ wanted to break free, she could - keeping her close. He nosed her neck and pressed a kiss to her jaw. “Mhm, you still smell…”  
Making a breathless sound of want, she tilted her head, allowing him more space. “Carlisle, we told them we’d arrive at nine. It’s -” she moaned as he let his lips skate over the bruises he’d sucked onto her skin earlier this morning, “it’s almost time.”   
Discontented, he withdrew from her. “You’re right, we shouldn’t delay ourselves even more.”   
Bella stepped out of his embrace and pulled the red sweater on, tucking the edges into her black high waisted jeans. “Hurry then,” she chided, though her tone was playful.   
“I am hurrying,” he protested half-heartedly, getting dressed in the time she blinked.   
“It’s not fair when you use your vamp-speed like that,” she grumbled.   
He raised his eyebrows. “Oh no?”   
“No.” She tucked herself close to his side again, smiling when he automatically placed his arm around her. “It’s not fair that you always get to watch me getting dressed, and I never get to see you doing that.”   
“I see.”   
“I like looking at you,” she murmured quietly, letting her hand sink from his back to his ass, thrumming her fingers against cheeks, making him laugh a deep, warm laugh. “I’ll keep it in mind from now on.” 

The Cullen family house was already decorated on the outside with Christmas lights, making it stand out even more starkly against the dark trees that surrounded the house. Even the staircase up to the house was provided with its own lights, making Bella chuckle. “I should have known you guys don’t do anything halfway.”   
“I’m sure it’s all Esme’s doing,” Carlisle answered, guiding her up the steps.   
Even though the family must have heard them arrive, they all waited until she and Carlisle entered the living room.   
“Um. Whoah,” Bella muttered under her breath as she came eye to eye with the massive tree that adorned the Cullen living room. It was undecorated, for now, unopened boxes of decorations pushed against the wall.   
“I know, it’s quite the tree isn’t it?” Esme came up to them and Bella stepped away from Carlisle, embracing Esme warmly. “I’m so happy to see you. Are you enjoying Alaska?”   
Esme smiled, “absolutely. Irina and I have been fixing up a house and it’s been absolutely lovely.”   
“Sounds like it,” Bella said, feeling relieved to see Esme was well and not bitter at all. She stepped aside so Esme could embrace Carlisle too and was surprised to feel zero jealousy despite their previous status.   
“Not staring daggers? I’m proud of your self control.” Emmett let his large hand fall on her shoulder and Bella reflexively jumped away from him, placing a hand over her now wildly beating heart. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!” she breathed, masking her discomfort with an awkward laugh. “My poor human heart can’t handle it.”   
“Sorry Bells,” he said, though his grin showed little remorse.   
On the other side of the room, Rosalie was glowering at Bella and Emmett, but Bella never noticed, punching Emmett weakly against his arm. “You don’t mean that.”  
“Em, be nice.” Alice slipped between Bella and Emmett, hugging Bella, which Bella promptly returned. “I feel like it’s been ages since we’ve seen each other, I’m so sorry,” she apologised, but Alice waved it away, “I know you’ve been busy.” She tapped against her temple, laughing, “I’ve had a front row seat to your busy life.”   
Bella blushed, “um, I’m sorry?”   
Alice laughed again. 

The tree decorated and wrapped gifts of all sizes strewn across the salon table, Bella sank into the couch with a hot cup of tea. On the other side of the room, Carlisle and Esme were discussing something in hushed tones, too fast and too low for Bella to hear.   
Edward joined her on the couch. “How are you holding up so far?” he asked, his tone suspiciously neutral.   
Bella shrugged, folding her legs under her to give him a little more space. “It’s nice. I’ve never… never celebrated like this before.”  
“I was an only child too,” he murmured, somehow understanding the implications of her words. “It can be a little overwhelming.”   
“Yeah,” she agreed quietly.   
They remained silent for a while and Bella let her eyes wander around the room, taking it in again.   
“Alice is absolutely furious you managed to find a way to circumvent her visions,” he then casually mentioned, “she’s been trying to find out how you did it for weeks now.”   
Bella laughed. “I let shop staff pick the gifts or chose something without looking. It wasn’t that hard at all. I guessed she was only keeping an eye on me, but not on things like that.”  
“Clever,” he murmured.   
“I was mostly doing it so you and her wouldn’t see your own gifts,” she admitted, “but it was so much fun I ended up doing it for everyone.”   
Edward seemed to want to say something, but turned his head towards the door into the living room seconds before Jasper entered. His eyes were the brightest, lightest gold of anyone’s in the room - _did he hunt because I’d be visiting?_  
“Let’s start. Bella?” Carlisle asked, “why don’t you pick the first gift?”   
“Oh.” She set her cup of tea down. “Okay um.” It was tempting to give her own gifts first, and she gave in to the feeling, digging up Edward’s gift from somewhere underneath the gift pile. “Here. I hope you like it.”  
“I’m sure I will,” he mumbled, taking off the wrapping paper to reveal the sheet music to Rachmaninov’s prelude in c sharp minor, and Beethoven’s moonlight sonata. His eyes lit up and his lips curved up in the lightest, faintest of smiles. “Thank you, Bella. I haven’t played these before.”   
“I’m happy you like them,” she smiled.   
The exchange of gifts went on for a bit, everyone selecting gifts for the next person and so on. All Bella’s gifts were well-received; Esme loved her subscription to _Architectural Digest_ , Emmett hadn’t stopped joking about the bear-trap she’d given him and Jasper, while distant and aloof, expressed his gratitude for the pair of hiking boots she’d given him. Rosalie only managed a stiff thank you for the make-up palette Bella gave her.   
In the meantime, Bella collected a fair amount of gifts too; most were books, although Alice had gotten her a gift card for a fancy lingerie brand, making Bella colour red as she stuffed it in her pocket.   
At last, there were four more gifts on the table. Esme came up to Bella, giving her a coloured envelope. Curious, she ripped it open, gasping when she realised it was a pre-paid receipt from the local garage to get her truck painted. “I noticed you hadn’t gotten it painted yet so…”  
“This is amazing. Thank you, Esme.”   
“You’re welcome,” she said with a smile.   
Alice tapped her foot against the floor, impatiently, making Bella laugh. “That one’s yours.” She pointed and Alice snatched the gift off the table, ripping the paper off eagerly, laughing when she saw the contents of the box. “I hate that I couldn’t guess this,” she laughed, holding up the box so everyone could see it was a mystery fashion box.   
“It’s an annual subscription,” Bella said, “so you’ll get one of these every two months.”  
“Thanks!” She threw her arms around Bella, making her laugh. “I’m happy you like it.”   
Now all that was left was Bella’s gift for Carlisle, and a gift for both of them.   
Bella took Carlisle’s box off the table, handing it to him with a nervous smile. She made to retreat back to her place on the couch, but he slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her into his lap. Blood rushed to her cheeks, and she blushed deeply.   
“Let’s see what you got me, hmm…” He opened the box, laughing when he saw it was a pile of books.  
“Open one of them,” she said, nervous butterflies in her stomach.   
He took out one of the books, flipping it open and reading what she’d written on the title page. She leaned into him, reading along anxiously, trying to keep a straight face.   
Across the room, Edward coughed.   
Carlisle remained perfectly composed despite what she’d written and kissed her cheek. “Thank you, dear, I love it.” He closed the book and put it back in the box, folding the box closed too.   
There was only one gift left on the table, having Bella and Carlisle’s name on it.. Bella eyed it suspiciously.  
Alice rose from her seat to present it to Bella. “It’s from all of us.”   
It was a small, thin, rectangular packet. Weighing it in her hand, she tried to guess what it could be. She looked at Carlisle, _does he know?_ but shook his head, motioning for her to open it.   
Carefully - _getting a paper cut in a house filled with vampires seems just like my kind of luck_ \- she unwrapped the gift, blinking in surprise as a key slid out of the packet. Bemused, she put it aside and opened the papers that had been folded over the key. It was a title deed to a bookstore in Buffalo, and counterfeit identity papers for her and Carlisle.  
She handed the papers to Carlisle who examined them in silence.   
The entire room remained clouded in silence for what felt like forever.   
“Thank you guys,” Bella then said, placing as much gratefulness and appreciation in her voice as she could, ignoring the voice in the back of her head that asked, _why…?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly working towards the end of this story. I'm already working on a new fic with different premises, and with that in mind I'm probably not going to turn this into a series, but who knows, inspiration might strike anyway.   
> Let me know what you think! As always, reading your comments adds a boost of happiness to my day. 
> 
> I've already got next week's chapter done, and it's called "Futurum". See you then!


	23. Futurum

By the time the clock hit midnight, Bella was drained, and though she tried to hide it, she couldn’t fool Carlisle, who announced that this would be the last round of monopoly for them.  
Emmett took the chance to make the god-knew-how-maniest joke about their relationship. “Can’t wait to be alone again?” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.  
Bella snorted. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Carlisle more in the past week than you have, and sleeping next to him is like trying to fall asleep while laying in the freezer. I’m _tired_ , not anxious to be alone.”  
Emmett wasn’t ready to let it go, “he wears you out, hm?”  
Bella threw her dice towards Emmett, who caught them and threw them on the monopoly board, giving Bella six steps. She shrugged while she moved her figure. “At least I’m getting some.”  
Edward masked a laugh behind a cough, and next to Bella, Carlisle shifted, making space for Bella at his side and she happily pressed herself closer to him, pressing a light kiss to his jaw.  
“You’re disgustingly cute,” Rosalie muttered, her tone unreadable as she took the dice from the board for her turn.  
“Thanks Rosalie,” Bella said, keeping her face straight and her tone neutral. “I think that might be the most words you’ve ever spoken to me.”  
Alice laughed, and Jasper joined her, chuckling quietly. “You gotta be honest Rose, she’s brave.”  
Rosalie shrugged, letting the conversation die with her. 

Bella crashed into her bed, wrapping the blankets around her, shivering, hoping that her electric blanket would warm the bed soon. Carlisle hadn’t yet taken his spot next to her, instead settling on the rocking chair in the corner with one of the books Bella had given him.  
She yawned, rolling over to his side of the bed and pressing her face into his pillow. “You’re not joining me?” she asked, fighting to keep her eyes open.  
“I’ll wait for the electrical blanket to heat up, I don’t want to keep you up because you’re cold.”  
“You know I -” she yawned again, “only said that to shut Emmett up, right? I like it when you’re next to me.”  
“I’ll join you once the bed’s heated up,” he repeated, flipping to the next page of his book.  
“...kay…”

When Bella woke up the next morning, the house was warm and toasty. She slipped out of bed, put on a big cardigan and shambled into the kitchen, where Carlisle sat with the same book as last night. “I just made a pot of coffee,” he said without looking up.  
“Thanks.” She poured herself a cup and sat across him, waiting for him to put away the book so they could talk.  
Minutes ticked by as she waited. He hadn’t turned a page in the minutes she waited.  
So she bent forward, placing her fingers against the spine of the book, fingering the pages as she pushed it down. “Hey. Are you okay?”  
He blinked and she noted that he would probably have to hunt soon; his eyes were more of a burnt orange than the familiar gold she was used to.  
“Yeah, I’m… fine.”  
“You don’t sound fine,” she challenged him. “Why?”  
He closed his book with a sigh. “I… I’m a little unsettled because of the arrangements Alice has made for us. We haven’t talked about it so I wonder if she… saw something.”  
“Our future?” Bella asked, just to be sure.  
He nodded, his eyes distant, his mind a million miles away.  
“Okay.” She sat back in her chair, warming her hands with her coffee mug. “So. What do you envision for us?” It took some effort to keep her tone even, interested but not overly so. This was a conversation they were bound to have at some point, and a part of her was relieved she didn’t have to be the one to bring it up.  
Carlisle hesitated. “I - I’m not sure, Bella.” His eyes flitted around the kitchen, looking anywhere but at her.  
“What are you not sure about?” she asked, thinking _it’s so much easier to grill him than to speak about my own doubts… I’m a hypocrite._  
“There are… too many factors unaccounted for.” Carlisle wrung his hands together, looking more distressed than Bella had ever seen him. “Will you become one of us? Can I condemn you to the life I have always seen as an eternal punishment, a life that I so far have only granted to those who would otherwise die a human death? Do you even _want_ to change? And if you do, will you hate me once you realise that this life is not a gift, but a curse?” He closed his eyes, looking pained. “I am… unsure about a lot of things.”  
“Okay,” she murmured in a low tone, trying to sound soothing. “Those are valid concerns.” _I don’t know what to say next._  
“I love you, Bella.” Carlisle opened his eyes and they were determined and dark. “I am prepared to live a life with you in whatever way _you_ see fit.”  
She smiled, reaching across the table to grab his hand, interlocking their fingers. “You know I love you too, Carlisle.” Pulling her hand back and placing it back around her hot mug, she continued, “and I… share your concerns. I’ve been thinking about… what kind of future we might have.” Every word she spoke was carefully measured and chosen for neutrality, making an attempt at not swaying him or herself in any direction. “Right now, I want nothing more than to spend eternity with you.” His eyes lit up and she held up a hand, making sure he’d let her finish her story. “But we’ve only been together for five months. My happiness hormones are still in full production. Who can say that in a few more months, we won’t grow apart? I understand that your emotions may remain the same, but I can’t promise that mine won’t change.” She took a few sips of coffee to buy herself some more time. “I understand - or at least, strive to understand - your complicated emotions towards changing me when I’m clearly healthy and could very well live a complete human life, and having heard from most of you what this life entails for you, I can’t be dishonest - I’m not sure if this is something I want.” With nerves that felt an awful lot like exam nerves, she finished with, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I think we need time. _I_ need time. I’m not ready yet to make a choice that is so definitive, that would change my life forever. Literally.”  
Carlisle exhaled, and as he did so, the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders seemed to disappear. “You’re right. Of course you are.” His tone was still off, but Bella brushed it off, thinking _he’s probably just relieved._  
“So. I suggest we set it up as an experiment.”  
Carlisle laughed. “An experiment?”  
“Yeah.” Bella placed her mug back on the table and grabbed the notepad that was always in the windowsill so she could take notes of whatever at any time. “We set an amount of time, let’s say, a year. In that year, I remain human _unless_ I suffer some sort of accident I would not survive as a human, warranting my earlier change. In this year, we live our life just like normal; work, going out, having fun, fighting, whatever. After a year, we reconvene, assess the project and make a final choice _together_.” She scribbled down her notes as she spoke.  
“That sounds… surprisingly reasonable,” Carlisle murmured, and he sounded both relieved and at least somewhat convinced of Bella’s plan. “I suggest that in the meantime, we collect as much objective data about vampirism as we can - how does the change feel, what is life like as a newborn, what are reasonable expectations after x amount of years of being… et cetera.”  
“Yeah, yeah.” Bella added his notes to the project setup, pushing the notepad towards him when she was done. “This good?”  
He read through her notes and nodded. “I can agree with this, yes.”  
“Great,” she said, feeling nervous butterflies flutter in her stomach. “Let’s… let’s set a timer starting today, then.”  
Carlisle offered her an insecure smile, “alright.”

Later that day, they went back to the Cullen house for their traditional after-Christmas hike, and Bella felt light and happy as she and Carlisle entered the living room, holding hands.  
“Back so soon?” Emmett joked as he sat up, untangling him a little from Rosalie, who was practically draped over him. If someone were to paint it, it would have been a very tasteful painting, Bella judged.  
“We have excellent planning skills,” Bella answered with a straight face.  
“I’m starting to appreciate how ad rem you are, dear,” Carlisle said, pressing a chaste kiss against her cheek, prompting her to say, “well, one of us has to be.”  
From the couch, Emmett laughed. Rosalie’s face contorted, showing her dissatisfaction at the friendly banter.  
Apparently this sort of behaviour was normal for Rosalie; no one corrected her, and Bella let it go. 

They decided on what for the Cullen’s was a short hike, but for Bella posed a good challenge; fifteen miles wasn’t something she’d never walked before, and she liked hiking, but she was out of practise and a little concerned. Alice reassured her, however, that she would be fine, tapping her temple with a smile.  
So on they went. For a while, Bella and Carlisle were somewhere in the middle of the group, and Bella listened to the conversations of everyone around her, the most amusing being between Alice and Edward, who spoke in half-sentences or sometimes not at all, to Emmett’s growing frustration. Rosalie was still grumpy.  
After some time, Bella let go of Carlisle’s hand and let herself fall back a little, falling into step with Jasper who flanked the back of the group.  
“Hey,” she started, feeling a little insecure.  
“Hey,” he murmured back, and she felt a warm heat spread from her spine, dissolving her nerves. She laughed a little sourly. “That obvious, huh?”  
“I’m sure no one else would have noticed.” His tone was hard to describe; warm, soft, yet somehow distant.  
“Maybe.” She wasn’t going to complain when he used his empath skills to make her feel at ease though; Rosalie glaring daggers at her was becoming more and more awkward, and she somehow still felt her anger despite the fact that Rosalie was spearheading the group with Esme.  
“She doesn’t know how to act around you,” Jasper said.  
“The feeling is mutual,” Bella muttered, but before her mood could darken, she felt the same warmth glide along her spine, and she managed a dry chuckle. “Thanks.”  
“You’re welcome.”  
They were quiet for a while, and because Jasper hadn’t sent her away yet and Alice hadn’t joined them, Bella assumed it was fine if she chatted with Jasper a bit.  
“Mind if I ask you something?”  
He shrugged. “Sure.”  
“What’s it like, being a gifted vampire?”  
Jasper seemed to consider his words for a bit, eventually answering, “the experience varies.”  
“I’d like to hear your opinion.”  
“Alright.” His perfect pronunciation faltered, and a hint of a Southern accent shimmered through his voice. “Sometimes it’s hard.”  
Bella waited, giving him the chance to add onto that statement.  
“For me, it’s… As an empath, I’m always subjected to the emotions of others. Sometimes it’s hard to discern what emotions are mine, and what emotions belong to others. I can ignore it to a certain degree, and the daily mood swings of humans don’t bother me much anymore. I’m more in tune to others of our kind anyway - that is often the case for those with gifts.”  
“Interesting,” Bella mumbled. “What’s the worst about it?”  
“The worst…” Jasper’s tone turned morose. “The worst is that I do not only suffer the thirst I personally feel when it’s time to feed again, but that I must always suffer that of those around me, too.”  
“Oh.” _Now I see why he’s always so well-fed._ “So what’s the best part of it?”  
“The best…” The corners of his mouth quivered before curling up into a soft smile, making Bella understand why Alice had fallen for him. “The best is that I never need to question whether emotions are genuine. I always feel them in their purest form. Being around people in love, for example, is sure to brighten my own mood too.”  
“I see,” Bella murmured. “Interesting.”  
Jasper laughed. It was the first time she’d heard him laugh, and she smiled a little at the carefree sound.  
“Right now, for instance, I can feel your interest is genuine, although I can’t help but wonder why you are so interested in this…?”  
“Oh, well,” Bella laughed quietly, amused at the internal joke, “it’s - it’s for research.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they had 'the talk'. What do you think? 
> 
> I want to bring this story to a close, but I'm currently very much torn between allowing Bella to change, and keeping her human, and am playing around with the possible scenarios I've thought of. I personally think I'm not good at writing happy endings, and the bitter part of me is in favour of an unhappy ending - possibly with some deaths?   
> In the end, I want to keep it real. The emotions felt, the choices made, the scenario played out, they all have to feel as though you or I could be in the same situation - what feels right, and what does not? A compromise must be made.


	24. Research

“Research, huh,” Jasper repeated and Bella couldn’t quite place his tone, though part of it was decidedly amused.   
Alice let herself fall back to join them. “If we’re talking about being gifted, I want in on the conversation.”   
Bella laughed. “Okay, sure. So do tell, what’s it like being a gifted vampire?”   
Alice weighed her options before repeating Jasper’s earlier words: “the experience varies.”   
Bella snorted, “I get that. Do you have anything else to add?”  
Alice weighed her words, now considering Bella’s question seriously. “Well, it’s - for me the experience is different, because I took my gift with me from my human life. I don’t remember… any of it, to be honest, bit when I awoke to this life, it wasn’t strange to me at all. My first, and most persistent vision, was of Jasper, closely followed by one of Carlisle and his way of living.” She stepped closer to Jasper, who took her hand and smiled again. “It was certainly surprising when I came across her in a bar, feeling her emotions. It was hard to believe her story, but her feelings could not lie to me.”   
Alice laughed. “I can’t even imagine how confused you must have been.” Her tone turned serious again when she continued, “the fact that I knew what kind of options I had when it came to feeding doesn’t mean I never fed on humans. Control is… so much harder than anyone thinks it is.”  
“I can’t even begin to imagine what the hunger is like,” Bella murmured in a low tone, unsure what she thought of this information.   
“You couldn’t,” Jasper said lightly. “It’s not comparable to anything in human life. But everyone gets through it. Some of us have managed to abstain from humans completely.”   
Bella looked ahead, fixating her gaze on Carlisle’s back, guessing he was one of those. The second one though…   
“So, if you could choose now, to be human or to be a vampire, what would you choose?” she then asked, somehow nervous about the question but trying to remain light-heartened.   
“Hmm…” Alice jumped, light on her feet, aiming to land on top of Jasper, who caught her without issue and shifted Alice to his back.  
“I see how it is,” Bella laughed and she picked up her pace, making her way back to the middle of the group, where Carlisle and Edward were now discussing something in low, quiet tones.   
Their conversation fell still as she joined them, making her feel like she’d interrupted a private moment.  
“Am I interrupting?” she asked, even though she knew she was.   
Carlisle was about to say ‘no’, she could see it in his eyes, when Edward said, “actually, I think you might want in on the conversation,” surprising both her and Carlisle.  
“Alright,” Carlisle murmured, his tone still low. “We were talking about ways we think might ease the transition. We’ve never had the opportunity to experiment with it, and the idea is… interesting.”  
“When Carlisle changed me, he thought the nature of his injuries had made him more compassionate towards humans, and that it might have increased his control, as well,” Edward explained, “so he replicated his change on me.”   
“Sadly, it only prolonged the change, and did not alter anything,” Carlisle added in a defeated tone, “it just added to his pain.”  
“Not to mention the fact that I did live on humans for a while,” Edward said, his tone distant.   
“That, too,” Carlisle agreed. “Since then, I haven’t tried… wouldn’t dare experiment again. For each change I initiated after that, there wasn’t any time to consider experiments, either. Rosalie, Emmett and Esme were all dying when I changed them.”   
“I see,” Bella mumbled. “So what were you considering, now that you theoretically can experiment?” She grabbed his gloved hand, interlocking her fingers with his.  
Carlisle hesitated, prompting Edward to speak for him: “There are a few elements we can look at; the element of pain for instance. Changing is…” he chuckled drily, “quite honestly the most painful experience any vampire could ever have. It is the first memory you have of your life as a vampire, and due to our clear memory, is one we can all recall with perfect clarity.”   
“Would human pain killers do anything to mitigate that pain?” Carlisle wondered out loud, “and how strong would they have to be? What kind of effect does morphine have, for instance. Would the venom burn it away before it could take effect?” He sighed. “I suppose I’ll have to start experimenting with our venom again.”   
Bella stepped closer to him, bumping her hip against his. “I’d be happy to donate a few tubes of blood for that.”   
“Hmmm…” Carlisle hummed. “That’s not a bad idea.”   
“So what other things were you thinking about?”   
“Edward suggested we should look into how we can inject the venom into the bloodstream in the most optimal way; if it spreads faster, the change would theoretically be faster.”  
“The average is around three days,” Edward helpfully added to Carlisle’s statement. “Mine took a little over 4, while Emmett’s was a little under two days. “   
“Sounds like a lot of math is involved,” Bella said, trying to keep her tone light in spite of the dark subject.  
Edward laughed. “It’s a good thing we’re good at math, too.”  
“Edward has several medical degrees, and one in mathematics, too,” Carlisle supplied Bella with further information.   
She turned her head, looking at Edward with wide eyes. “Really?”  
Edward ducked his head, looking at the ground. “Yeah.”   
“What are you doing in high school when you’ve done all that?” She raised her tone a little, feeling astonished.   
“It helps the cover story,” he shrugged. “I don’t mind.”   
Bella tried to let the information go past her, as if she was uncaring, but it did occupy her mind, _that’s gotta be so boring, I wonder how they manage to hold out._  
Carlisle and Edward continue their conversation, going deeper into medical theory with every sentence and instead of trying to follow it, she let their low voices wash over her, making her feel calm and at ease.

Bella was beat after the hike, and she and Carlisle went home after it. She crashed on the couch, yawning. “If long hikes are going to be family bonding time I might need to work out more,” she joked.   
From the kitchen, Carlisle laughed and the sound of it made Bella feel warm and happy. He brought her a cup of tea and got the firewood stove going to heat up the house. “I think you’re well in shape,” he said, his tone playful.  
“Pffttt, you think compliments are going to get you somewhere?” she laughed.   
He joined her on the couch. She placed her feet in his lap, raising her eyebrows jokingly, laughing when he took one of her feet and started to massage it, digging his fingers into tired muscles.   
She closed her eyes and sighed, sinking down further into the couch. “God, I’m tired.”   
“Why don’t you take a nap?” Carlisle suggested, but Bella shook her head. “No, if I do that, I won’t be able to sleep at all tonight.”   
“Alright.” His tone was low, soft, making her open her eyes to look at him, trying to judge if something was wrong.   
“Hey, if you’re hungry, I don’t mind if you go for a hunt,” she then said, deciding that that was probably the issue.   
“I don’t want to leave you,” he murmured.  
She sat up, pulling her feet out of his lap. “Okay, so, I’ll go visit Jake and you go for a hunt. You can pick me up when you’re done. How’s that?”  
A few moments passen between them, but then Carlisle got up. “Sounds good.” He offered her his hand, and she took it, letting him pull her up from the couch. She pressed herself close to his body and kissed him, murmuring, “and when you’re back, we could…” It was a silent rule between them that their physical contact was kept to holding hands, kissing and maybe cuddling when he was hungry. Bella knew he still felt awful about when he hurt her, and though it hadn’t happened since, she did not want to push him, and so they didn’t really talk about it.  
He chuckled before stepping away from her. “I’ll pick you up from the Blacks in a few hours.” 

“God, Bella, you smell disgusting,” Jacob complained as he opened the door for her.   
“Thanks, women love hearing that,” she answered with a laugh. “I showered before I came here, you know?”  
“I guess the stench is hard to wash away when you’re living with leeches,” he chuckled, but drew her in for a hug nonetheless. “Hey, how are you?” he asked, his tone much softer now.   
“I’m okay.” She stayed close to him, prolonging their hug longer than was appropriate. Jacob didn’t say anything about it, just held her for as long as she wanted.   
When she withdrew from him, he let go without protest, sending an easy smile her way. “You gotta check out these bikes I’ve been working on. They’re almost done, and awesome.”   
She laughed. “Sure, sure, lead the way.”

Hanging out in the garage made Bella feel nostalgic - she had basically lived here in the summers she would spend at Charlie’s. She flopped down on the run down couch. “Let’s see those bikes.”   
Jacob laughed and pulled a sheet away, revealing two shiny bikes, one painted in reds and the other in blues. Bella whistled. “They look good.” Jacob blushed a little and cleared his throat. “Yeah um. They’re basically done, I just need to run some tests before I can sell them.”   
“Awesome.”   
Jacob looked away for a moment, and then joined her on the couch. “Hey so, how are you actually doing?” His tone was shaky, and wavered, revealing his nerves to Bella.   
She fought the urge to shrug. “Fine, I guess.” Pulling up her legs and looking at the concrete floor, she added, “Christmas was… enlightening, in a way.”  
Jacob hummed, spurring her on, so she continued, “I spent it at Carlisle’s, with the family and, I liked it, but…” she let the sentence die out before starting a new one. “They offered to change me.”  
He made a choked sound, making her look up. His face had contorted into something she’d never seen him make; disgusted, afraid and sad at the same time. It made her heart ache, and she rushed to add, “I haven’t decided anything yet. Carlisle wants it to be my own choice.”  
“So what are you gonna do?” his voice was weak.   
Feeling guilty, she considered lying to him, but… _He’s my friend, and entitled to the truth._ “I don’t know yet. I told him I need time. I can’t make a choice like this just like that. So we… came to an agreement.”  
“What kind of agreement?” Jacob asked weakly.   
“Um. So. We take a year of time and do… research.” Her voice had softened to an insecure whisper. “After a year, I… or he and I together… make a final decision.”   
“You’d really let them turn you into a leech?”   
“I don’t know, Jake,” she repeated, trying to sound steady. “And don’t call them that.”   
“What else should I call them?” he raised his tone, “Bella, I can’t - you can’t do this! You’d be dead! What will you tell Charlie? Or your mom? You’d leave all of us!”  
She withdrew herself, creating physical distance between them. “Don’t you think I know that? Why do you think I didn’t jump up and say yes immediately? I love Carlisle, but do I love him more than the attachments I have in my human life? You’re making this hard for me, Jake.”   
Jacob seemed to shrink, bowing his head down and curling his limbs inwards, looking small and defeated. “I can’t lose you, Bella.”   
“I know,” she answered, whispering in a low tone. “I know, Jacob.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still working on chapter 25; 'New normal'. 
> 
> As always, I'm happy to hear your thoughts! Writing family scenes is easy for me and I really like exploring the Cullen family dynamics, so you might see that come around a little more. See you next week!


	25. New normal

Over the course of the next few months, Bella asked herself all kinds of questions about vampirism, writing them down and finding answers with Carlisle. It helped her create a solid idea about what her life would be like after she had been turned. One thing was clear: if she was going through with this, she’d need those false identity papers. Her human life had to be over in all senses of the word: she’d have to say goodbye to her family, or at least fabricate a story of her death, quit her job at the hospital, cut ties with everything that made her who she was.  
And despite Carlisle’s acceptance of whatever her choice would be, she couldn’t help but wonder. Would turning make her bitter? It was so hard to imagine a life without Charlie, without her job, without her erratic, giddy mom and the sibling she hadn’t met yet. Then again, who would miss her? Certainly not Marjorie, who hated her guts, or Renee and Phil, who had their hands full with their baby. Charlie, maybe. Jacob, too.  
She just could not imagine what her life would be without those people in it, and so she wondered if, at some point, she would feel rancor towards the Cullens, towards Carlisle, for taking the life she could have had from her.  
Finally, there was the question of children. Did she want them? If she did, she’d have to get things going soon, because her time was running out. Or would having children mean she would not become a vampire? She could not imagine caring for a child when she would lust after its blood all the time.  
With a shaky hand, she wrote all her doubts down in the journal she started keeping soon after she and Carlisle agreed on the year-long experiment.  
“More tea, dear?”  
Bella looked up from her journal and folding it closed, smiled at Carlisle. “Yeah, thanks.”  
He disappeared into the kitchen to boil more water and waited in the threshold while the kettle got going. “I took another look at the blood tests,” he said.  
“Got anything new from it?” she asked, interested. With now familiar motions, she put her journal away.  
“I’m afraid that our venom manages to burn through any substance we add to it at the same rate as the blood, so it seems like we won’t be able to medicate any pain away.” His tone was low, careful and controlled.  
“That’s a shame,” she murmured, _though really, what were we thinking? That the miracle or modern medicine could make this ordeal easier?_  
“I did manage to calculate the rate at which it spread,” he added, his tone softer now. “If we do it right, the change should only take about 36 hours.”  
“Good to know.” Feeling like she should offer him something, anything, so murmured, “I’ve been thinking about… trying to imagine a different life. It’s hard.”  
“I can imagine.”  
_Why does he sound so thoughtful and understanding? I wish he would be angry with me for being so indecisive._  
“None of us ever had a choice. Considering the things you might miss is good.” He disappeared back into the kitchen for her tea and inwardly, Bella sighed. _If I want to get yelled at, I guess I should go to Jake._

Work was pretty much like it was every day; people came in and Bella pointed out that they had to disinfect their hands, she answered phone calls and explained visitors where to find the ward where their loved ones were. She tried her best to be in the moment, pushing away thoughts and doubts she had about the choice she soon would have to make.  
Only when she crossed Carlisle in the breakroom, did she realise how worn out she felt. Without words, she let herself sink into one of the chairs and put her head in her arms, sighing deeply.  
Carlisle sat down next to her, placing a cold hand on her back and rubbing soothing circles. He said nothing; there were no words in the world that could soothe her, and he knew that.  
They sat in silence for some time, both waiting for the other one to say something.  
Eventually, Bella got up. His hand slid away from her back. Both remained silent as she left the breakroom to continue her work. 

She expected Carlisle to breach the topic soon after they got home, but he let her be, leaving her the privacy of her own mind and thoughts without pushing or prodding for more.  
Instead, seemed set on distracting her. He turned on the radio in the kitchen, humming along as she went through the pantry to try and decide what she’d cook for herself today. The music was just background noise for her; she wasn’t consciously listening, and thus, it didn’t form much of a distraction from the thoughts whirling in her head. It took Carlisle a while to notice, though; he was distracted by her swinging her hips to the beat of the music.  
Bella only woke from her thoughts when Carlisle closed his arms around her, pressing his cold chest against her back and kissing the soft, sensitive skin behind her ear.  
She laughed quietly, placing her hand over his and leaning into him with a low, satisfied hum. He lowered one of his hands, curling his fingers around her hip and making her sway along to the music with him. With a heavy sigh, she closed her eyes, locking her crowded mind, her wandering thoughts, away for the moment. She welcomed his touches, and the distraction they formed. It wasn’t hard at all to leave her mind, to give in to the physical sensation of his touches. That didn’t mean she had energy to be an active participant in his advances, but it did mean that she welcomed them, and the distraction he formed.  
He kept one arm around her waist, the hand that she had covered with her own. The other one, previously on her hip, now travelled down, caressing her jean-clad thigh, fingers stretching and brushing over the inside of her thigh. It made her shiver, and she leaned into him more heavily.  
Keeping his hand where it was, finger stretched towards the inside of her thigh, he asked, “may I?”  
_Ever the gentleman,_ she couldn’t help but think, and she adjusted her stance, placing one hand on the kitchen counter to stabilise herself, but keeping the other over his. “Yeah,” she breathed and she closed her eyes again, leaning her head back against his shoulder.  
He chuckled in a low tone, and it sent a shiver across her spine. When his lips slid over hers, it was a lazy, open-mouthed kiss. She slumped against him even heavier, feeling as if, without his support, she’d sink to the floor. His strength was more than enough to keep her in place, though. Moving his weight to the front of his feet, he pressed her closer to the kitchen counter. His hand slid back up, passing over her groin with just enough pressure to lure a moan out of her. It made her press down, against his fingers, and when they had travelled on, back, against his hips. He tsk-ed, pushing her tighter against the counter, whispering, “this is not for me. Let me take care of you, dear.” His hand wandered down again, teasingly rubbing over her thigh, but moving away when she moaned. “Carlisle…”  
His response was a low hum, “yes, dear?”  
Bella’s breath had gone uneven. “Please?”  
“Please, what, my love?” The lowness, the roughness of his tone made her shiver again.  
“Touch me?” It came out weakly, so she repeated with more strength, “touch me.”  
He stretched his fingers, letting them slip over her groin again, making her moan, this time more desperately.  
“Like this?” he asked, and although his voice was rough, his tone was… nearly innocent.  
“More,” she breathed, canting her hips against his hand.  
“Your wish is my command,” he murmured, undoing the button and zipper of her jeans, sliding his cold hand into her underwear. She gasped, and her muscles clenched in response to the cold momentarily, relaxing almost immediately as he hummed and kissed her cheek.  
Cold, talented fingers navigated their way through wet folds, and Bella bit her lip, holding her breath, managing a breathless, but tired sound of want and desire. In response, Carlisle tightened his grip on her, bending his knees slightly so that she could more comfortably lean against him. She rolled her head back once more, and he took the opportunity to kiss her again, unhurriedly exploring her mouth, swallowing her moans and whimpers. Her fingers clawed into his hand, but with only her human strength, she was not strong enough to hurt him. If anything, he enjoyed the sensation, finding that it was a great way to measure her pleasure by the tightness of her muscles. Time was lost to him - to them both - as he used the spots, the movements he knew made her tick to bring her to a climax.  
Bella felt her muscles grow tighter and tighter, breathing unevenly through her nose and hanging heavily in his arms as his fingers worked their magic. When she came, it wasn’t the best orgasm she’d ever had, but it was strong, rolling through her muscles and making her shiver all over.  
His fingers slowed, before he pulled his hand back completely, giving her the time to recover.  
She opened her eyes, managing a happy, dazed smile at him before wriggling her hips a little, pushing back against his without force.  
Carlisle hummed again and started to pull back a little. Not wanting to part from him yet, Bella kept a firm grip on his hand. When she was sure he would remain close, she released the grip on his hand and turned over. His eyes were a dark, muddied ember colour. It made her hesitate, but she decided the risk of rejection was worth it, so she asked, her tone quiet, but eager, “can you do that again?”  
He raised his eyebrows, as if to ask, _haven’t you had enough?_ but when she pressed her hips into his, he took the hint, lifting her easily in his arms and carrying her to the bedroom so they could proceed the night in more comfortable quarters.  
She ended up ordering takeout.

Later that week, Bella had finally made a choice - of sorts, at least.  
As she plated up her dinner - leftovers from the takeout earlier this week - she started, “so, I’ve been thinking…”  
“Yes?”  
She let herself sink down on the couch, pulling up her legs and stretching her left one so that her toes touched his thigh. “I want to go to Jacksonville.”  
Carlisle blinked in surprise. He had expected a lot of things, but not this. “Alright.”  
“I want you to come - for part of the trip at least. Renee’s never met you before and she’s curious.” She hesitated for a moment before adding, “I could also use your support for it.”  
There was no question about it in his mind - when Bella asked him for something, he was always inclined to give it to her. “I’ll have to arrange some time off.”  
“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hesitant about this chapter; personally, I don't like it as much as other chapters. It's also rather short, because I've had very little time to write, and other projects have been taking more time than I had hoped for.  
> I'm having a hard time bringing myself to write about Bella's thoughts and doubts, and have been thinking about how I want to end this story a lot. I want all the developments to be organic and unrushed, so it's probably going to be 7-10 more chapters of this story.  
> At this point, I have kind of made up my mind about the end of this story and although more painful scenarios, like making Bella a vampire and then having Carlisle die so that she has to bear the burden of immortality alone, or, she decides not to change and she and Carlisle grow apart, but I decided against that. I was especially against killing off Carlisle (however satisfying that would be) because I haven't tagged this story with major character death, and I would not want you, my dear reader, to be affected by that.  
> So I'm aiming for a bittersweet ending scenario, wherein no major characters die, but some sort of pain will gain a permanent place in Bella's life. 
> 
> I also started working on a few side stories, unrelated to this universe: one being an AU in which Bella is a wolf, and is aware of the Cullen's 'affliction' from the beginning, and an AH story set in the 1840s. Both will (eventually) feature Bella/Carlisle as a couple. Is there any one scenario you'd be more inclined to read? Let me know, so I can plan for a full storyline and work on that story primarily as my next story, whilst finishing up this one as well. 
> 
> As always, I'm happy to hear your thoughts about this chapter. Next week's chapter is "Jacksonville", if I manage to finish it in time.


	26. Jacksonville

With Alice’s help, they planned their trip to coincide with a fairly rainy weather in Jacksonville. Carlisle would join her for the four days on which the weather would be most agreeable, and they would travel at night. Bella would remain in Jacksonville for seven days.   
As she packed her suitcase, she tried to think of things she still wanted to do with her mom, things she wanted to say - but her mind came up blank.   
“Don’t forget to pack a formal dress,” Carlisle reminded her as he moved past her and she turned around, grumbling, “why won’t you tell me why I need to bring a formal dress with me?” She knew Renee was hardly the type of person for formal events, and doubted that she would have energy to attend one. After all, she had a 5-month old baby to look after.   
“It’s a surprise.”  
“I hate surprises.”  
Carlisle caught her in his arm, pulling her close and pressing his lips against her hair. “You’ll like this one,” he murmured, “I’m sure.”   
Bella sighed, leaning against him heavily, letting him carry most of her weight. “I’m just…”   
“I know, sweetheart,” he murmured back, letting his hand glide through her hair in a soothing gesture. “Maybe it’s better if you… try to let it go, for now.”   
Bella snorted weakly. “How do you suggest I do that?”  
“We can take a week off,” he suggested, “no more research, for seven days. You need to… unwind.”   
“Yeah, maybe,” she agreed, although her heart wasn’t in it. _Not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away._

Bella slept through most of the journey, waking up when they left the plane, but falling asleep again as soon as she sat down in the black rental car Carlisle hired. He drove them to the hotel they’d booked, gently waking her when they’d arrived. No words were exchanged between them as he guided them inside. He kept his arm firmly around her waist, carrying most of her weight while she drowsily hung against him.   
Once they were in their room, Carlisle made her lie down in the bed, covering her with the thick, luxurious duvet with a tender whisper: “sleep as long as you need to, love.”

She woke a few hours later, and, due to the time difference, it was the reasonable hour of nine am. She stretched with a yawn, patting at the empty space next to her. It took her a few more moments to realise Carlisle wasn’t in the bed with her.   
With another yawn, she sat up, rubbing her eyes and scanning the room, finding it to be empty. She slipped from underneath the duvet and opened her suitcase to get some toiletries out of it. By the time she had managed to dig up her toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, razor, shampoo and conditioner, the door lock clicked and opened, revealing Carlisle, holding a tray with breakfast. She laughed. “Good morning, is that for me?”  
He closed the door with his hip and placed the tray on the desk, bending over to her to kiss her cheek. “It is. Good morning, darling.” With a hand on her back, he helped her up. She leaned into him, enjoying their nearness. He responded by closing his arms around her, holding her close. She let her cheek rest against his chest.  
The silence between them was easy, comfortable, and it took a long time before Bella felt the need to pull back. When she did, though, Carlisle let go of her without protest.  
She held up her toothbrush. “I need a human minute… or two.”  
Carlisle raised his eyebrows, and Bella hurriedly stepped back, outside of his reach. He stepped forward, and she darted into the bathroom, locking it behind her. “I do really need my human time, honey.”   
She could vaguely hear him grumble on the other side of the door. 

Parking the rental car in her usual parking spot, it almost felt like the year she’d spent in Forks had been nothing but a fever dream: the house looked exactly the same, the shutters and blinds unchanged, the garden just as dry as always.   
Then the front door opened and Renee stepped outside, carrying a bundle of blankets. It was a rude awakening for her, and she undid her seatbelt, stepping outside towards her mom, hugging her with both arms, careful not to crush the child between them. Clenching her jaw, she forced the sudden tears in her eyes back, managing, “hey mom,” in a rough tone. She wanted to say something else, something like… _I missed you, I love you_ but it all felt wrong and she couldn’t will the words to come out of her mouth.   
Renee curled her free arm around Bella, murmuring, “hey, sweetie.”  
For the first time in her life, Bella felt as if Renee was her mother. As if she needed her to play the part of a mother.   
Carlisle read the situation carefully, keeping his distance, staying close to the car.   
When Bella parted from her mother - _I’ve never thought of her like that before_ \- Renee moved the bundle of blankets, revealing the face of the child. “Meet Isobel,” she said, followed by, “would you like to hold her?”   
“Oh, I…” Bella made to protest, but Renee easily transferred Isobel over from her to Bella, and now she suddenly had a child in her arms. She shifted so that she could support Isobel’s little head better, gently rocking her without giving her arms the active command to do so. Isobel became fussy for just a moment, before settling calmly in Bella’s arms, pressing her face against Bella’s chest. It lured a smile out of Bella. “She’s so pretty.”  
“Phil and I did our best making her,” Renee joked.   
Bella chuckled. “I can tell.” She turned a little, turning her shoulder in line with her hips to create an opening for Carlisle to step in.   
He did so without hesitation, shaking Renee’s hand, kissing her cheek and introducing himself with a few effective words - Bella didn’t hear them, just registered his tone - and then curling an arm around Bella, stepping into her personal space in a protective way. “Hello, Isobel,” he murmured, his tone low and pleasant. “Aren’t you a pretty girl?”   
Isobel cooed in response to his voice, turning in Bella’s arms.   
“She likes you,” Renee judged. “Why don’t you come inside?” 

The house was just like Bella remembered. The furniture hadn’t moved an inch. There were additions, though: a playpen for Isobel, a box with toys and many other smaller things. Functioning on auto-pilot, Bella wandered into the kitchen to make tea while Renee chatted with Carlisle in the living room. She noticed the kettle had been replaced by a water boiler, thinking _this probably makes less noise…_  
Everything in the kitchen still had its old place, although things for Isobel had been crammed in; Bella came across formula, jars of pureed fruit and more. It made her smile. Clearly, Renee and Phil managed caring for Isobel just fine without her.   
As she re-entered the living room, now with a pot of tea in her one hand, supporting Isobel pressed against her shoulder with the other, the conversation between Carlisle and Renee fell still. She felt Carlisle's gaze on her and made the mistake of looking over to him. The look in his eyes was one of carefully hidden pain and worry. She blinked and looked away.  
Renee came to her rescue; she took Isobel from Bella, breaking the moment. “Why don’t you get us tea cups from the kitchen?” she asked, her tone curious, but light. Bella did as she was asked, and when she returned to the living room, Carlisle was showing Renee pictures of his kids. She sank down next to him, kissing his cheek and leaning over to look at the pictures as well.   
“They all look wonderful,” Renee said, “and sound so talented!”   
“Edward really is quite the pianist,” Bella chipped in, pointing him out in one of the small photos Carlisle had out. “But really, they’re all wonderful.”   
“Wasn’t it hard to adopt as a single man?” Renee asked in that same, light tone that held barely hidden curiosity.   
“Oh, I adopted with my ex-wife, Esme.” Carlisle kept his tone masterfully light, and pointed Esme out on one of the older pictures. “We divorced in June, last year.”   
“I see…”   
“She’s taken up residence with our family in Alaska, but she still frequently visits,” he added. “Especially around birthdays and holidays.”   
“It’s always nice to see her,” Bella added, trying to push her mother’s thoughts in the right direction, knowing that it could be done with a few tactically placed words and remarks. “She was over for Christmas too. The family is incomplete without her.”  
“That sounds wonderful,” Renee said, swayed by Bella’s manipulations. “Are you two considering kids?”   
“Mom,” Bella laughed, “we’ve been together for barely a year. We’re not thinking about kids yet.”   
“We enjoy going out too much to consider children seriously,” Carlisle added, understanding that Bella was trying to change the subject.   
“Really?”  
“We go out dancing,” Bella clarified. “There’s a dance school in Port Angeles that has social dancing and parties every now and then.”   
Carlisle put his arm around Bella, pulling her a little closer. “We’re going out dancing tonight, as well.”  
Bella blinked. “Are we?”   
“Yes, dear,” he said with a chuckle.   
“Oh that all sounds wonderful!” Renee sent a happy smile their way. “I understand you won’t be joining us for dinner, then?”  
“No, I’m afraid not,” Carlisle smiled apologetically.   
Bella shifted in her seat, a little awkwardly. “We’ll, um, be here all day tomorrow though, if that’s okay. Is Phil still off on Saturdays?”   
Renee shook her head. “I’m afraid not. How’s Sunday for you?”  
“Yeah, sure,” Bella murmured, feeling stupid for not knowing Phil’s updated schedule. “Um. Carlisle and I could take Isobel for the day tomorrow if you’d like to go to Phil’s training.” She wanted to spend some time with her little sister - _this might be the only time I ever see her._  
Renee sent a curious look Bella’s way. “That would be fantastic, thank you.”  
“I’m happy to help,” Bella murmured. 

“Whoa,” Bella muttered under her breath, not sure if she was impressed, intimidated, or both by the venue as she and Carlisle entered what she assumed was a ballroom from the late 1800s. The decorations were beautiful: fake flowers interwoven with dark curtains and satin ribbon adorned gorgeous arches. It took Bella a few seconds to process the fact that there was music on, and people were dancing on the wooden floor.   
She turned her head towards Carlisle. “A dance party?”  
“A gala for charity,” he answered. “Top tier donors get tickets.”   
“And you donate money to a charity in Jacksonville… why, exactly?”   
“We didn’t,” he said with a small smile. “It took quite the donation to get tickets for us.”   
She rolled her eyes. “Of course.”   
“I figured you’d be able to forgive me if it was for charity.” Carlisle guided her towards the floor, offering her his hand for a Viennese waltz, making Bella grimace. “You know I dislike Viennese.”  
“Humor me, darling.”   
“Fine.” She reluctantly shaped herself after him, closing her eyes for a second to find the beat of the music, trying to let go of her stress and frustrations. Carlisle stepped forward, starting their Viennese waltz with a reverse turn. It was devellish of him to do that and Bella scrambled to follow, barely crossing her feet in time. Considering the tempo of a Viennese waltz, she had no time to grumble or complain; she would either follow or fall. That was one of the reasons she disliked the dance so much.   
Luckily, the next dance was samba - one of her favourites. Most of the floor cleared - it was clear samba was not a popular dance here. The technique was really hard and still didn’t make much sense to her - _how am I supposed to move my feet in a different rhythm than the bounce is?_ \- but the music was up-tempo and she enjoyed that a lot. It did help that they started with samba runs, with her hand on Carlisle’s chest. Being able to touch him freely, even in public, filled her with glee.   
The tone for the rest of the night was set. She was determined to have fun and only leave when her feet wouldn’t hold her weight anymore.

They arrived to babysit Isobel at nine. Bella was exhausted - they’d only gotten back to the hotel at three in the morning so she hadn’t slept much. Her feet still hurt and she leaned against Carlisle heavier than she normally would.  
Phil pointed out where they could find everything they needed for Isobel and handed Bella a list of feeding and nap times. “And you can always call if there’s anything you can’t find or if something happens,” he added.  
“Got it Phil, we’ll be fine,” she answered. “Have fun.”  
“You too,” he laughed, giving her a once-over. “You know the best advice I’ve heard so far when it comes to caring for kids?”  
“Do tell,” Bella said, trying her best to sound friendly and engaged.   
“Take naps when they do.”  
Bella snorted. “Thanks, Phil.” She couldn’t keep the sourness out of her voice.   
Both he and Renee laughed as they left the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot out of my. Without going into personal details, there's a reason why I'm having a hard time writing about mothers and daughters, and I'm left with a feeling that the interactions of Bella and Renee in this chapter are disengenuine. I tried my best to make it work, though, and so I've given the chapter a pass mark - haha. 
> 
> I haven't written next week's chapter yet - I'm starting my thesis and it's taken a lot out of me, but I'm determined to keep up with uploading a chapter every week. 
> 
> As always, I'm curious to hear your thoughts.


	27. Mother knows best

On Monday morning, Bella drove Carlisle back to the airport. They made no big show of saying goodbye, like Bella saw some of the other couples do. Instead, they walked hand in hand as far as Bella was allowed to come. Then, Carlisle turned towards her, caressing her cheek with the back of his hand before tenderly cupping her cheek and kissing her goodbye with a soft, chaste kiss. “I’ll pick you up on Thursday,” he said, his voice low but warm. Bella smiled and pressed a kiss to his jaw in return. “Get home safely.”  
“I will. Have fun with your mother.”  
“Thank you.”  
She waited for his plane to take off before taking the rental car back to her mom’s house for breakfast.   
Though the drive back was short, she turned on the radio. Carlisle never had it on in his car, and she assumed he had his reasons for doing so, so she hadn’t turned it on when she drove him to the airport. The station was playing some light, summery hit and she hummed along, strumming her fingers against the steering wheel. It did wonders to lift her mood, even if it hadn’t been _that_ dark before. Before she knew it, she had the car parked back at her mom’s house.   
She took a few slow, steadying breaths, trying to prepare herself for Renee’s upcoming interrogation. _At least she can’t read my mind or hear my heart beat, she amusedly thought to herself._  
With another deep breath, followed by an even deeper sigh, she left the car, entering the house and unceremoniously flopping down on the couch next to Renee. And sure enough, Renee waited about ten seconds before commenting, “so you and the doctor, huh.”   
Bella barely managed to hold back a snort. _Of course that is the thing she remembers._ “Yeah. Me and the doctor.”   
“He adores you.”   
Bella sunk down deeper in the couch, feeling her cheeks heat up and muttering, “yeah…”  
Renee ignored it, continuing, “it’s like you’re his personal sun, he radiates when you’re around. Not that he’s not gorgeous without that. How did you meet?”   
Bella felt her cheeks flush even more and wished she could sink through the couch and into the floor, away from Renee’s inquisitive questions. “I told you, we met at the hospital. He hired me.”  
“Was he still married?” Renee was relentless.   
“... yeah…” Her shoulders curled in defensively as she weakly added, “I didn’t - we didn’t - we waited until he divorced Esme. And she’s really cool about it. She’s still my friend. We text a lot.”   
“But you were in love before that.”   
“God, _mom_. Yes!” It became hard to keep her tone clear of frustration. _I’ve had this conversation about a million times with everyone I know. Fuck this._ “You know me. You’ve seen me do this for years when I still lived here. What’s so hard to understand? I fell in love with a married man. _Again._ Only this time the guy _did_ divorce his wife. And we’re happy together.”   
Renee impulsively pulled Bella close, and Bella, surprised and taken aback by it, let her. “Sweetie, I didn’t mean it like that.” She combed her fingers through Bella’s long hair, scratching her back as she went down, just like she used to do when Bella was still a child. “I’m happy for you. You two seem well-matched.”   
Bella calmed down a little and didn’t pull back.   
“I just want you to be happy, Bella,” Renee whispered, her tone low, but caring. “You’ve been alone for so long, I was afraid you’d never find happiness in this life.” She hesitated before adding, “you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else, sweetie.”  
Bella choked up, pressing her face harder into her mother’s shoulder and biting back any tears that dared to come to her eyes. “What if my happiness comes at the expense of someone else?”  
It took Renee a while to answer, and when she did, the strength and resoluteness in her voice was completely new to Bella. “Sometimes you have to choose your own happiness over others. Life is messy, and you can’t go constantly look over your shoulder and try to patch up people you may have harmed. Choosing to be happy starts with looking forward, not back.”   
“But what… what if the person I hurt is you, or dad?” Bella asked, her voice weak. “What if I can’t see you guys again?”  
Renee’s hand stopped petting her hair for a moment. “My answer would stay the same.” Her hand idly sectioned off parts of Bella’s hair before stroking down again, untangling the knots carefully. She waited for a while, and Bella wasn’t sure what she was waiting for, so she waited, too.  
“Has Carlisle asked you to do something like this?”   
Lying had never been Bella’s forte, especially since she had never needed the skill for Renee, and Charlie had always appreciated the truth over any lie she’d fabricate anyway, but now she scraped together every inch of her flimsy skill to answer. “He’s been offered residency in New Zealand.” She waited a beat before adding, “and he asked me to come with him.” Raking her brain in an attempt to give the lie more body, she murmured, “it can turn into a permanent position, but he won’t be making enough money to support his family _and_ allow us to travel back home frequently… or at all. It’s a… passion project for him.”  
“And you want to support him.” Renee understood  
“I do. I love him.” The words felt foreign, strange in her mouth, and she tried to remember if she’d ever said that out loud to anyone. Her mind came up blank.   
“I would travel to the ends of the world for Phil,” Renee said, “even if that would separate me from you, or from my home. He is my home, my heart. If Carlisle is that for you…”   
“He is,” Bella confirmed, this time without doubt.   
“I think you have your answer, then.” Renee pulled back, stretching with a yawn. “I’ll make us some coffee, will you check on Isobel?”

The rest of the day the atmosphere between Bella and Renee was light, breezy, and it made Bella feel relieved. Her mother had never been one for deep conversations and heavy emotions, and although she appreciated Renee’s input, she had been nervous that the heavier atmosphere would linger. She was relieved it hadn’t.   
Instead, Bella felt happy and light as she had dinner with Renee and Phil, listening to their cheery, lively banter over dinner.   
Renee, of course, could not keep her mouth shut about the juicy piece of gossip Bella had shared earlier today, informing Phil in a definitive tone: “so Bella will move to New-Zealand soon.”  
“Oh I did not say that!” Bella protested, but without force in her voice.   
“Alright, alright,” Phil said in an appeasing tone, “calm down, ladies.” He directed his attention to Bella. “I wasn’t aware you were thinking about moving again. Looked to me like you’re happy with the house you have now.”  
“Yeah um.” Bella felt her shoulders curl in a little and shrugged. “I like my place. It’s just that, um, Carlisle maybe wants to move. He’s a really talented doctor and um. Well. He’s got plenty of offers if he wants to leave Forks behind.” She tried to keep her tone light and skirt along the edges of the truth as much as she could; lying felt bad. “And uh. Yeah I might - I don’t know, come with him if he decides to take one of those offers. It’s not like I thought Forks would be my last move when I moved last year anyway so - I mean Forks is nice, I just wish it rained less, but you get it, it’s -”   
“I understand, Bella,” Phil interrupted in a warm tone. “So… New-Zealand is an option for you? He’s… you are both serious enough about this to consider a move like that”   
Bella shrugged again. “I don’t know. He’s only mentioned it in passing but it feels like he’s serious about it.” If she pretended that New-Zealand was a life with her, instead of a place, it almost felt normal to talk about it like this. _Of course he’s serious about me. He offered me eternal life_. Internally, she laughed at the idea; _you don’t offer eternity to someone you don’t want with you for eternity._

The next day, Renee and Bella went into town. Renee had some errands to run and Bella tagged along. She’d told Renee that it was because she hadn’t been out and about in Jacksonville for so long, and that she missed the sunshine, but it was a poorly hidden lie: she just wanted to spend as much time with her mom and Isobel as she could.   
“Do you mind if we go to Chamblin’s, too?” she asked as they got in the car. “Forks is… seriously lacking when it comes to bookstores.”   
“Oh sure.” Renee couldn’t care less. “Oh, can I drop you and Isobel off? I’ll go on for the other things and pick you up when I’m done.”   
Bella chuckled. _She still remembers how much time I tend to spend in any bookstore, given the chance._

Chamblin Bookmine hadn’t changed much. Armed with Isobel’s in a carrier tied to her chest and her backpack, Bella stepped inside, hearing someone greet her but not seeing them. The store was a massive maze, and getting lost in it was definitely an option. She’d done that many times before, before she got hired there. Just breathing in the smell of the books was like she’d taken a breath of nostalgia.   
“Bella?”  
“Carl?” She turned around, momentarily forgetting Isobel strapped to her chest, the quick motion making her fussy.   
Carl - her former manager - was looking at her with eyes wide in surprise, but Bella was busy with calming Isobel down and missed it.   
“I thought you had moved to Forks.” Carl’s tone was unsteady - like he was trying to hide his surprise.   
“Oh uhm. Yeah, I did. I’m just visiting.” Bella curled her arm around Isobel protectively. Even though she technically didn’t _need_ to - the front carrier was safe enough - it felt normal to do anyway: she was guarding Isobel from others that way.   
“I see.” Carl’s eyes were glued to Isobel. He swallowed before awkwardly asking, “is she yours?”   
Bella couldn’t hold her laughter. “What? No. She’s my mom’s.”   
Carl visibly relaxed. “Oh, uh, that’s great. How’s Forks?”   
Thinking of Carlisle, but tactically leaving him out of her answer, she said, “pretty great. I’ve got a job at the hospital and my dad, and Jacob, so even though I wished the sun shone more, it’s been, yeah, pretty great.”   
“Sounds like it.”   
“How’s everything been here? Did you get promoted yet?”  
He chuckled. “No, no, you know the old man, he keeps us on our toes. Hey I’ve got a break coming up, you wanna go out back to catch up?”   
For some reason, his offer sent an unpleasant shiver down her spine and, holding onto Isobel tighter, she answered, “oh, no, I couldn’t take your break time away from you. Renee will be here soon anyway and I want to look around a little.”   
His answer was a low, disgruntled murmure as he passed her.   
Bella ducked away in between the bookcases, but the unsafe feeling the shiver had left in her remained until Renee picked her up. 

On Thursday morning, Bella ate a quiet breakfast with Phil and Renee, before driving herself to the airport and taking her flight to Seattle. She slept through the first flight, but stayed awake for the second one - Seattle to Port Angeles. It was only a short flight.   
As she stepped through the last portal, dragging her suitcase behind her, she was enveloped in cold, strong arms before she could blink. Tired, but happy to see him, she leaned against Carlisle and kissed him back - albeit sleepy and passive.   
“Good morning, sweetheart,” he mumbled to her.   
“Hey honey,” she murmured back while her mother’s earlier words echoed in her mind: _choosing to be happy starts with looking forward, not back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was kinda late, my thesis work is started to make me feel a little overwhelmed and swamped. I'll try to have next week's chapter done in time!
> 
> As always, I'm happy to hear your thoughts. Do also let me know if you'd prefer to read an 1840s set Bellisle story, or a modern one wherein Bella is a wolf (like Jake) - for more details, see the A/N of last week.


	28. Conflict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer than usual, I hope you enjoy it! I _really_ enjoyed writing this one and am very happy with it.

Summer smoothly blended into fall and Bella let time pass her like water off a duck’s back. She hadn’t even noticed her birthday approaching until Jacob asked her if she was celebrating.  
“Celebrating what?”  
“... your birthday?” He sounded insecure and looked away when she tried to make eye contact.  
“Um. I don’t know.” Turning towards him and walking backwards, she added. “why?”  
He shrugged. “Just checking if I need to get you a gift.”  
“I wouldn’t protest if you did,” she said with a laugh. “With you, I at least know for sure it’s not going to be something exorbitant.”  
“Leeches don’t know how to show love without material possessions, they can’t help it.”  
Bella bursted out in laughter. “I’d be mad at you for calling them leeches but… you have a point.”  
“Let me know what they come up with. I need a good laugh,” he said, voice still laced with friendly jest.  
“Will do.” They arrived at her house and she unlocked the door for Jacob to bring in the wood he’d chopped and dried for her. “I’ve got a pile next to the stove.” She pointed. “Thanks again.”  
“Yeah no problem. Let me know if you’re gonna celebrate, okay?”  
Bella raised her eyebrows. “Even if I celebrate with the Cullens?”  
Jacob sighed dramatically. “Yes, _even_ if you want to celebrate with the leeches. Don’t forget to invite your dad too.”  
“Gee, thanks.” She hit him in his arm and was pretty sure it hurt her more than it had done him.  
“Any time, Bells.” Quickly, so she couldn’t see it coming, he caught her in his arms for a hug. Knowing it was useless to try and free herself, she returned the hug, a little reluctantly. She hadn’t told Jacob - or anyone, for that matter - the choice she’d made, but somehow… _It’s like he already knows._  
Right on cue, he murmured, “I want to remember you like this.” He tightened his arms, adding, “warm. And with a beating heart.”  
She wriggled free. “I haven’t - Jake…”  
He held up his hands in an apologetic gesture. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. It just - keeps me busy, you know.”  
Bella sighed. “Yeah. Me too.” Trying to lighten the mood, she asked, “you still up for that hike tomorrow?”  
Jacob grinned. “You betcha. Are you? I’m not gonna carry you when you get worn out.”  
“I’ll have you know I’m a very experienced hiker by now,” Bella countered. “If anyone’s going to get worn out, it’s _you_. When’s the last time you hiked more than five miles in human form?”  
He shrugged. “I’m sure I’ll be able to keep up.”  
Bella smiled. “We’ll see about that tomorrow.” 

As if Carlisle had heard what Bella and Jacob had talked about earlier that day, he asked about her birthday while she was cooking dinner.  
Bella shrugged. “It’s nothing special. I’m pretty sure I have to work anyway. I don’t want to do anything special.” _All it is is another reminder that my time is running out._  
“Darling, it might be your last birthday as a human,” Carlisle gently argued. “Celebrating yearly milestones is important.”  
Bella turned, leaning against the kitchen counter. She crossed her arms before realising how defensive she was being, then sighed and let her arms hang beside her body. “I’m just - it’s nothing special. I don’t want to make it into a big deal. I’ve never liked that.” Waiting a beat to gauge his response, she hesitantly added, “I want any traditions I might take with me into immortality to be ones that fit me and you. Big birthday celebrations aren’t me.”  
“A small celebration, then,” he tentatively offered.  
Crossing her arms again, she was prepared to put her foot down. “No.”  
“Sweetheart…”  
_He’s testing my boundaries._ “What?” It was hard to keep her tone even, to keep the frustration and annoyance out of it.  
“It’s a family tradition. We celebrate birthdays.” He sounded apologetic, but it didn’t soothe her rattled nerves.  
“Well, I don’t _want_ to.” _I sound like a petulant child._ She hated herself for it.  
Carlisle got up from his seat, stepping close to her, crowding her personal space. She cast her eyes downward, not wanting to face him. For a moment, she considered pushing him out of the way, or stepping away from him. But then Carlisle let his fingers slide over her shoulders, cupping her shoulder blades with cold hands and gently pulling her against him. She kept her arms crossed, not allowing the comfort of his touch to soothe her either.  
Speaking into her hair, Carlisle murmured, “if you really don’t want to, I won’t force you, darling.”  
“I really don’t want to,” she said, determined not to let him sway her. “No birthdays. No gifts. No celebration. I don’t want any of it.”  
“I’ll do my best to explain it to the others,” he mumbled. Bella could feel the disappointment in his tone. It settled in her bones, making her feel heavy and guilty.  
“If Alice gives you a hard time I’m happy to explain it to her myself.” She continued to stand her ground. “I’m sure everyone else will find some sort of understanding.”  
He hummed his agreement, and Bella decided that it was enough. She uncrossed her arms, leaning closer into him and finally allowing his soft touch to soothe her. “Thank you.”  
“Anything for you, my love.” 

Sure enough, Alice was about to raise hell over Bella’s demands. She all but stomped into the basement when Bella was visiting.  
“ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!”  
Carlisle seemed unsure if he should stay or leave the girls to fight it out together, and hesitantly floated near the staircase.  
Bella crossed her arms, looking at Alice in an unimpressed way. “I can hear you just fine, there’s no need to shout.”  
As Alice stepped closer, Bella noted her dark eyes - they were nearing black. It was time to feed. _I wonder if that makes her mood worse._ “Why won’t you celebrate your birthday?” Alice’s tone was ominous and threatening.  
From the corner of her eyes, Bella could see Carlisle letting go of the stair banister; he had decided to stay. _Am I in danger?_ “I just don’t want to, Alice.” It was harder than she had expected to keep her tone even. “Do I need any reason for that?”  
“Yes! It’s a family tradition.”  
“Making arguments like that is emotional blackmail,” Bella said, irritation seeping into her voice. “You know I’m trying my absolute best to be a part of this family. I participated in all the christmas things. I show up for game nights. I go on hikes with you. I participate in literally everything you call ‘family tradition’ and I’m telling you, I don’t want this one.”  
“But…”  
“The answer is no!”  
Alice stepped back, and Carlisle looked at her with his eyes wide in surprise. Bella never raised her voice.  
“I’m not some puppet on string that you can manipulate. I’m not a sad lost soul looking for a new home. I’m a full and whole person on my own and it’s time that you start to realise that I may have some opinions and ideas of my own. I’m done with conforming to your every whim just because you want to, or because it’s ‘family tradition’.” All of Bella’s bottled up anger and frustration came out now. Spewing out words felt like spitting fire and it only fuelled her anger. “Do you understand?”  
Alice seemed to have shrunken down and if she hadn’t been so furious, Bella would have restrained herself more.  
“I understand.”  
“Thank you.” Bella grabbed her dance bag from the floor. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go home. I need to be _alone_ for a while.” She eyed Carlisle as she said it, and he averted his eyes, looking down at the ground, saying nothing as she stepped past him. 

Being alone with her rage wasn’t ideal, so instead of driving herself home, she drove herself to Jacob, all but storming into the garage.  
Jacob jumped out of his seat, putting his hands up in a protective but appeasing gesture. “Whoah, whoah, calm down Bells. What happened?”  
Letting her bag drop to the ground - although the urge to throw it was large - she threw out the words without thinking what it sounded or looked like. “Stupid vampires have NO idea of personal space, nor ANY regard for my wishes. I’m _so_ done with this!” Frustrating enough, instead of being strong and angry, she felt weak and stupid and tears of frustration burned in her eyes.  
Jacob came closer with careful steps before placing his hand on her shoulder in a comforting way. “Yeah. Fuck those leeches.” He handed her a piece of cloth to use as a handkerchief.  
“Thanks Jake,” she sniffled, trying to stop crying. If anything, crying made her feel weak and stupid.  
“Any day, Bells. Want something to drink? I’ve coke and sprite out here, but if you want something else…”  
Wiping away her tears and breathing in a deep, stabilising breath, she shook her head. “I’m good. What are you working on today?” She wanted a distraction.  
“Just tinkering with an old Honda engine,” he said, pointing at it. “Trying to breathe life back into it.”  
“Cool.” She flopped down on the run down couch in the corner. “Mind if I stick around for a bit?”  
“Sure, stay as long as you like.” 

When Bella went home later that night - she’d eaten dinner with Billy and Jacob, and it had been really fun, they and Charlie were really part of her makeshift family - it wasn’t Carlisle who was waiting for her out in the cold, but Edward. He casually sat reading a book on one of her lawn chairs. The cold couldn’t bother him, and if not for the chill in the air Bella could feel trying to get a grip on her skin, she would’ve thought it was still summer.  
“Hey.”  
He looked up and closed his book. “Hey.”  
Leaning into her hip and keeping her distance, she studied him - his eyes were light enough to make her think he’d hunted earlier, his posture and pose made him look relaxed, and she guessed he’d been sent to her because he was the calmest, the most rational about her right now. “Want to come in?”  
He studied her as much as she had him, considering his answer for a few seconds. “If you’ll have me.”  
Bella sighed. “Well. Would you leave if I asked you to?”  
Edward shrugged. “If you want me to leave, I’d respect that. I’m not here to put you in a difficult position.”  
She weighed his words, then decided he was alright. “Yeah it’s fine, come on in.” Unlocking the door and stepping aside, she let him enter first. He used the time to study her house and she let him. This was the first time any of the Cullen kids visited her house, and although Edward had probably seen it in Carlisle’s mind, he looked around with new curiosity, as if he had never seen any of it before.  
Bella allowed him to, and stepped into the kitchen to make tea for herself. As usual, the kitchen was the warmest place in the house, so she settled in one of her comfy kitchen chairs and waited for Edward to finish his inspection and join her in silence.  
He did so after a few minutes, sitting down and placing his book in the windowsill. His warm, curious eyes slid over her, but it felt non-intrusive.  
“Are you okay?”  
Bella blinked. The question surprised her, and she needed a few moments to gather her thoughts for an honest answer. “I don’t know.”  
He waited for her to say more.  
“I guess I’m just - promise me this stays between us, okay?”  
Edward blinked slowly. “I promise.” His tone was steady, unwavering.  
“I’ve decided I want to join you.” To his credit, Edward didn’t even blink about it, keeping his expression neutral and open despite her words. “And it’s making me antsy.”  
“I see.”  
“I feel…” she sighed, looking away, up at the ceiling as she leaned back. “Making a choice about forever is daunting. I’ve been thinking it over, mulling it over, and when I decided… I tried to imagine how I would fit into your family, and it’s making me realise that I _don’t_.”  
“Every time someone joins or leaves, it is an adjustment,” Edward said in an unbiased way. “I’ve left and returned a few times and it’s always an adjustment for me as much as for them. Rosalie hates it when I do it, even though she and Emmett have taken a decade or two for themselves as well.”  
Bella sat back up, rubbing her eyes. “You’re misunderstanding. I don’t want to adjust even more. I’ve been trying so hard to live up to all these family ideals Carlisle has, and he seems so happy when I fit in… but the problem is - I never _feel_ like I fit in. I’m jealous. I don’t want to share him, and I feel like a bitch when I force him to stay with me when he so clearly longs to spend time with you. I’m not a team player. I’m in this for _me_. And it’s just - I’m a horrible person, and I dream of ripping him away from you so that we can spend some part of eternity together. Alone. In privacy.”  
Edward remained perfectly still, sitting like a statue - _is he analysing my words? What is he thinking? He must hate me. They’re all going to hate me._  
“I understand.”  
“You don’t hate me?”  
“I wouldn’t say I like you very much right now, but I understand how you feel, and why you feel that way.” He remained reasonable, and Bella was impressed.  
“You’re young. Had you dated a human man, you would never have had to deal with all these issues. No one your age would have had an entire family to deal with.” He sighed. “If I may - allow me to offer Carlisle’s perspective on this.”  
Bella slowly nodded.  
“Carlisle always longed to have a family. He has built our unit with utmost care, and even when Rosalie picks a fight for the hundredth time, or when Jasper pulls away because our collective hunger is too much to handle, or when I leave… again - he has never done anything other than love us. I believe he has never longed for, or believed in the idea of finding a mate. It simply was never the kind of love he was looking for. But now that he has found you, it is clear to me that he has made his choice, even if he himself does not yet understand that. He chooses you, Bella, and he’ll do that over and over and over again, even if it will cost him his family.”  
“I’ll ruin him,” Bella whispered.  
“Do not discount Carlisle’s agency,” Edward said, the slightest hint of offence in his tone. “He can make his own choices, and will accept the consequences of them without complaint.” “What if you can never be a family again because of me?” Bella murmured, thinking of her greatest fear - that Carlisle would grow to hate her because she had driven him away from his family, that she’d have to spend forever alone.  
Edward shrugged. “Eternity is a long time. Don’t try to anticipate what will happen.” He took his book from the windowsill and got up. “Good night, Bella.”  
“Good night, Edward,” she mumbled.  
Even after the door had closed, she remained in the kitchen for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I'm working towards the end of this story and am currently planning for 33 chapters, so a little left to go. I'm not 100% I'll be able to contain myself and _actually_ get it done in 33 chapters, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that it will be at least 33 chapters total, haha.


	29. Arrangements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, a little, idk, warning? at the beginning of this chapter: I know many of you will want to see the issues between Bella and Carlisle resolved, and I promise it'll be a big thing next chapter, but for some reason my brain and hands wanted to write this chapter first.

Edward kept his end of the deal. Bella was sure none of the other Cullen’s knew of the contents of their conversation that one night. Carlisle, she was certain, did not know either. It made her feel relieved and unhappy at the same time. If Edward _had_ told Carlisle, she would not have had to do it herself, but at the same time, she was embarrassed about her feelings and admissions of that night, and if she was honest, she’d prefer to never tell Carlisle.  
Some tension remained between her and Carlisle, but neither of them talked about it. So when Bella woke on the morning of her birthday, she felt some apprehension about the whole day, but Carlisle acted like it was any other day, getting up with her and making coffee while she got dressed.  
As she fixed herself breakfast, she mentioned, “I’m going over to Jake’s tonight for dinner. Charlie’s coming too. Do you want to join?”  
“Is this a birthday celebration?” he asked, his tone low and hesitant.  
Bella shrugged, making a shallow attempt at faking nonchalance. “Not really. We’re just having dinner. I’m sure Charlie will have some sort of gift for me, but Billy and Jacob usually don’t bother. You really don’t have to bring anything.”  
“In that case, I’d love to join,” he murmured. Bella could feel his insecurity about it, but did not comment on it. Instead, she let herself fall into his lap, hooking an arm around his neck for stability. He placed a careful arm around her waist to hold her close and kissed her cheek. “Happy birthday, love.”  
“Thank you,” she murmured as she cuddled up closer to him. “You know how the birthday person usually treats others to snacks and stuff?”  
Carlisle raised an eyebrow, answering with a suspicious, “...yes..?”  
“I have something else for you.” Scraping together whatever courage she could find, she said, “I’ve decided I want to join you - forever.” When he didn’t say anything, she added in a low tone, “we’ll have to start making arrangements and getting our plans in motion.”  
That got him back into this realm, his eyes focussing again. He kissed her cheek again, the motion seemingly grounding him. “Have you chosen a preferential date?”  
Happy that his response was at least somewhat okay, she answered, “yeah, um, December 21st? The change should be finished before christmas so we can still do a family celebration and… I really like the symbolism of the date.”  
“Many religions believe the rebirth of their deities is on the 21st of December,” Carlisle murmured his agreeance.  
“If we initiate the change on the twentieth, I should be, uh, ‘reborn’ on the twenty-first. I know the symbolism is kind of cheesy but -”  
“I like it.”  
“Thank you.”  
“Now, let’s get you to work,” he said, his demeanor more cheerful than it had been before.  
Bella groaned. “Ugh. Yeah.”

After some internal debate about what she’d wear tonight, she decided on the wine red sweater Carlisle favoured so much, jeans and some comfy black boots. She’d be comfy but look put-together without making it into a big deal.  
As she heard the front door click, she called out an absentminded hello and tucked her hair up in a ponytail. Just as she wanted to tell Carlisle she was nearly done, she felt his arms circle her waist. Leaning back into him, she rolled her head against his shoulder so he could kiss her. He did so without hesitation, and it made her smile. His fingers curled into the belt loops of her jeans, holding her close to him. “You look wonderful, dear.”  
Bella laughed quietly. “It’s the sweater, isn’t it?”  
“I do leave seeing you in it,” he answered before pressing his lips against hers, this time more seriously. Answering his kiss with fervour, and a soft sound of desire, she rocked her hips back against his, satisfied when it elicited a low moan from him.  
He pulled back and Bella turned, raising her eyebrows. “What is it? We have some time.” She eyed the bed on her side eagerly.  
“Actually, dear, I…” He seemed nervous, eyes flitting around the room without picking a focus point.  
“Yeah..?” she half-asked.  
Carlisle chuckled nervously. “You know, I had imagined this a little differently in my mind, but…” He took a small, square jewelry box from his pocket, offering it to her without opening it. “I think you’d look even more wonderful if you wore this tonight.”  
Curious, Bella took the box and flipped the lid open. It was a silver ring with a small, oval-shaped emerald set into it. On both sides of it shined smaller crystals - _no doubt diamonds_ she thought to herself - surrounded by delicate swirls of silver. When she blinked, Carlisle was close to her again, with an arm wrapped around her waist and the other hesitantly hovering close to the jewelry box.  
“Carlisle, I -”  
“Bella,” he interrupted, his tone low, laced with nerves and something else she couldn’t identify. “Isabella, my love,” he amended, his voice even softer now. “Would you do me the _extraordinary_ honor of becoming my wife?”  
Bella managed an astounded, stuttery laugh. “Are you serious?”  
He blinked in surprise. “I don’t think I’ve been more serious about anything in my life.”  
“I can’t believe you managed to find the one loophole that allowed you to get me a ridiculous birthday gift,” she grumbled, though she leaned against his arm around her, relaxing into his touch. He, however, was far from relaxed, and she could feel his fingers dig into her side just a little too hard, and they were trembling. “... does that mean…”  
“Yes.” She pressed herself closer to him so she could kiss him. “That means yes.”  
Carlisle sighed his relief, fumbling with the ring. Instead of kissing, Bella offered him her hand so that he could put the ring on her finger - it was clear that he gave this priority over kissing her right now, and it made her laugh internally.  
“The size is perfect,” she mumbled, turning her hand over to study the look of cool silver against her skin.  
“I may have taken a ring out of your jewelry box for that,” Carlisle admitted, some nervousness remaining in his voice. Bella pressed herself close to him again, laughing softly. “I never noticed.”  
“I figured as much.”  
“I love you,” Bella said quietly. “No stretch of time spent with you will be enough for me.”  
Carlisle’s lips curled into a light, content smile. “I couldn’t have said it better, sweetness.” He kissed her cheek and then pushed her into motion. “Now, let’s go, we don’t want to keep your father or the Blacks waiting.”

Bella and Carlisle had been indoors for all but three seconds when Charlie’s observant eye fell onto the ring on Bella’s finger. He still went through all the regular motions, though, giving his daughter a somewhat awkward hug - he wasn’t a hugger - and pressed a small, wrapped gift box in her hands. “Congratulations, Bells.”  
“Thanks dad,” Bella murmured, feeling a little awkward and tucking her ringed hand into her pocket as soon as she had the chance. Not that it stayed there for long: Jacob demanded a hug too, pressing her closer to him than was truly appropriate, but Bella let him. _This may be one of the last times I get to be this close to him._  
“You’re getting old,” Jacob grinned as he let her go.  
“I’m only two years older than you,” she countered half-heartedly.  
Jacob shrugged it off. “Whatever. Here.” He took her left hand - the one with the ring - and fastened a dainty charm bracelet around her wrist. It already held a few charms, and Bella brough up her hand to study them. _A wolf… that’s for him, a book and ballet shoes, those are for me, a dream catcher… what’s this thing..?_ She touched the triangular shape that seemed to have been carved out of white oak, whereas the rest of the charms were cut from darker wood. “Oh,” she managed when it clicked. _For the leeches. Funny, Jake._  
“It’s from dad and me, we both made a few of the charms.” Jacob sounded embarrassed when he added, “I was hoping we can add a new charm every year or so.”  
Bella choked up, blinking away heavy tears as she struggled out an emotional; “thank you.”  
Carlisle stepped closer, wrapping a careful arm around her for comfort and studied the bracelet. “That’s fine craftsmanship,” he commented neutrally.  
Charlie cleared his throat. “It seems like jewelry was the popular choice this year.”  
Blinking, Bella tried to come up with what she was supposed to say. “Uh. well, uh, I guess, uh, this is the perfect time to say it - Carlisle and I are engaged.” She offered her hand to Charlie so he could study the ring more closely. “I told him I didn’t want a gift so instead he proposed.” Her tone was a little sour even now, but happiness was the overtone of her voice.  
Carlisle laughed. “That’s not how - or why - it went. I’ve been wanting to for a while. The moment was just perfect. I couldn’t resist.”  
“Well. Congratulations, Bells,” Charlie repeated his earlier words. His tone was unreadable to Bella. “Open up your gift... you might need it more now.”  
Jacob and Billy were both quieted by the situation, and Bella unwrapped her gift. It was a heavy, rectangular, navy box with a magnetic lock. She flipped it open and gasped when she saw what it was. “Dad, where did you even _get_ this?”  
Charlie shrugged and looked at the floor. “It was grandma Marie’s. Renee and I kept it for you. We uh, weren’t sure if you were ever going to marry and decided to just give it to you. We had the gems replaced.”  
“It’s gorgeous. This is amazing. Thanks, dad.”  
“Don’t forget to thank your mother too.”  
“I will, thanks dad,” she repeated.  
“Any idea when you’ll get married?” Billy asked as he ushered them towards the kitchen, where dinner was already set out on the table.  
“Uhh…”  
“Early December,” Carlisle said in a decided tone. Bella turned her head, raising an eyebrow at him. They hadn’t discussed this yet. _Why is he so set on early December?_  
“That’s gonna be a long engagement,” Jacob commented, his tone filled with white-hot rage, barely repressed.  
“ _This_ December,” Carlisle clarified.  
“That’s fast.” Charlie’s eyes went to Bella’s stomach, and Bella felt her cheeks colour deeply. “I’m not pregnant, dad, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s uh…”  
“I got offered a job in New-Zealand,” Carlisle explained, using the lie Bella had told her mother earlier to his advantage. “Being married smooths out the migration process quite a bit.”  
“So it’s out of convenience?” Charlie’s tone became disapproving.  
“We wanted to get married anyway,” Bella tried to save the lie, but feeling awkward about it. “It just works better this way - and what if we moved first, and then got married there? You wouldn’t be able to be there for it.”  
“Yeah, yeah,” Charlie grumbled.  
“Congratulations,” Billy said, his tone low and careful. Bella tried to read the look in his eyes when they made eye contact, and felt a shiver run down her spine when she realised Billy wasn’t exactly thrilled with the news. “On both the engagement and the position in New-Zealand.”  
“Thank you,” Bella murmured. “I’ll really miss… this.” She vaguely gestured around with her hand to indicate she meant the whole situation.  
“New-Zealand is not the end of the world,” Charlie murmured in a low tone, attempting to turn the quickly souring atmosphere around. Bella was grateful for it.  
“Fishing there would be… fun,” he added, allowing Billy to join the conversation again. As they talked about fishing, Bella let her eyes wander around, coming to rest on Jacob every few rounds through the kitchen. He kept his gaze glued to his plate, though, and it made Bella’s heart clench painfully. _I can’t lose him._  
The rest of the night, the atmosphere remained loaded and heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, so, let me know what you think?
> 
> Next week's chapter is called "Unpleasant"


	30. Unpleasant

Later that week, when Bella and Carlisle settled on the couch, Carlisle decided it was time to talk.   
“Bella, sweetheart, we need to discuss something.” His tone was once again that crafted neutrality, a tone Bella now knew he used when he found it hard to keep his emotions in check.   
She sighed. “Yeah.”   
“I feel grateful you brought me along for dinner with your father and the Blacks,” he carefully introduced the subject, “but you must understand it was hard to explain to my children that you did celebrate your birthday with your other family, but not with the one you will be spending the rest of eternity with.”  
“I know,” she said in a small voice. “I’ve put you in a difficult position by not wanting to celebrate my birthday with you… even though I did kind of celebrate with Charlie, Billy and Jacob. I guess I just…” _I just, what? Am a selfish monster that can’t share?_  
“I wish you could explain to me why you feel so strongly about it,” Carlisle said, his tone masterfully neutral. It made Bella feel itchy. Things weren’t good if he felt the need to use that tone. “I overreacted. Freaked out. I don’t know. You guys just always turn everything into these big things and I… it makes me feel really uncomfortable.”   
“We could have managed a small celebration,” he answered. Bella couldn’t quite read his tone, and looked away. “I guess I felt - feel - like your ‘small’ is still too big for me.” She drew in a deep breath. “I maybe also… did not want to share you with other people…”   
Carlisle remained quiet, so Bella, with waning courage, continued: “I don’t… fit in with you guys at all. You are I, that’s something else, we’re… You know. And I tried so hard to be what you wanted me to be with your family that I forgot myself - and I hadn’t realised how angry that made me until you pushed me to celebrate with you guys.”  
“I had not realised you feel this way.”   
Again, she could not read his tone.   
“I guess neither had I,” she murmured. “It’s not that I don’t like… Okay, maybe I don’t like Rosalie that much but, I mean, I just, need to get over myself. I don’t want to… I can’t ask of you to let go of them for me. You clearly built your family with utmost care.”   
“I would do anything for you, Bella.” Carlisle’s tone was low, quiet.   
“I don’t want you to,” she answered, frustrated. “When Edward and I talked about it, I realised how incredibly selfish this has been of me. I’m this awful, terrible person, and deep in my heart, I’m afraid that even after I turn, I won’t fit in, I won’t be good enough to truly be one of you. And you, you’ll just follow me to the ends of the earth and I would completely, utterly and totally ruin you.” Drawing in a breath, she continued; “or, you do that at first and then realise you can’t have me and your family, and you leave me for them, and I am left with an eternity alone. Rejected. Again.”   
“Bella, my dear…” Carlisle came closer and placed a careful hand on her knee. “All change takes time. We haven’t added anyone to our family unit in decades. Of course it is hard for everyone to adapt - not only for us, but for you, too. But I am convinced that we can do it. You are part of this family now, whether you - or they - like it or not. Because you are mine, and I…” he sighed, and it was filled with hopelessness and desperation. “I could not live on without you.”   
“Are you sure?” Her voice was thin, laced with fear. “I’m really not a pleasant person.”   
“You don’t have to be pleasant to learn how to fit in,” he countered with a small smile.   
“Fine. I’ll try.”   
“Then so will they.”

Bella still felt uncomfortable a few days later, when she went over to the Cullens when Carlisle was working. She wasn’t sure why she was visiting, but she felt this magnetic pull towards their house.   
Only when she saw Jasper standing outside with a frown on his face, dark eyes overlooking the forest, she realised it had probably been his gift working on her. For a few moments, she stayed in her truck, trying to decide if she was angry about it, or if she was relieved that they had given her the opportunity to make amends.   
Jasper went back inside, and she counted to a hundred after he had closed the door behind him so she could gather her composure. Then, with a deep, steadying breath, she got out of the truck and hauled herself up the stairs, into the glass house. She found Alice in her room, staring out the window with a blank expression. Jasper sat in a lounge chair, saying nothing, paying Bella no heed.   
So Bella lingered near the doorpost for a while, before she cleared her throat with an awkward cough. “Um. Hello.”   
Alice inclined her head ever so slightly to acknowledge Bella’s presence. It didn’t exactly make Bella feel better, but then again, what had she expected? _I’ve been a bitch to her. She has a right to her anger too._  
“I, uh. I want to apologise.” The words felt thick and awkward in her mouth. _I don’t know how to do this._ “I overreacted about the birthday thing.” She waited a beat before adding, “I guess I hadn’t realised it was really important for you guys.”  
Alice remained quiet. Jasper motioned with his left hand, a barely noticeable movement, inviting Bella into the room.   
Still nervous, Bella took a few careful steps inside. Her emotions remained stable, and she eyed Jasper, who only blinked at her. With faked courage, she stepped closer to Alice, breathing in slowly before circling the couch and sinking down next to her. “I regret the way I treated you,” she murmured in a low tone, looking at her lap.   
Alice kept her head straight, eyes fixated on something outside. “You hurt me.” Her tone, that Bella had grown to associate with windchimes and happiness, was dark and heavy. It embedded the guilt even deeper in Bella. “I know.”   
“Why?”   
It was surreal how much pain Alice managed to imbue in that single word. Bella’s throat started to feel chilly, and the cold sank down her spine, making her feel heavy with remorse.   
“Honest answer? I’m terrified.” Playing with the ring on her hand, Bella tried to find the words to make this alright again. “I’m scared to death that I won’t fit into the family unit. I don’t feel like I belong. I feel like a puppet, and I’ll only live if I keep playing along.” She lowered her tone as she continued, “I also feel… I didn’t _choose_ to fall in love with an entire family. And I know it’s selfish and I know I should have broken this off a long time ago if I wasn’t prepared to handle a man with a family but - do you guys realise _how much_ you are? I wanted to be the perfect fit and when I realised I wasn’t it made me want to hog Carlisle for myself, and only me. It made the fantasy of _just him_ seem true for a bit there.”   
“We’ve all been very accommodating.” Alice’s voice cut like cold ice through Bella. It hurt. “I thought you were my _friend_. You broke my trust. All of us.”   
If Bella was honest with herself, she had no idea if she ever had considered Alice to be her friend. Sure, she’d had fun hanging around with her, but she’d never made friendships with other women before, and she’d probably never even tried with Alice if it hadn’t been for Carlisle. “I know,” she whispered. “I don’t - I have no excuses for what I did. I’m this terrible, broken human and I only know how to live for my own survival and happiness. I’ve never had to consider others in that formula, and I don’t know _how_ to do that.” Her eyes followed Alice’s eye line and found nothing in particular - _what is she looking at? For?_ “But I’m willing to try. If you’ll have me.”  
Alice remained quiet. Behind them, Jasper spoke, his voice low quiet. Bella had to strain her ears to hear it - _it probably wasn’t meant for me anyway._  
“She’s speaking the truth.”  
It took Alice another few moments before she turned herself to Bella. Her eyes, cloudy before, seemed to have cleared a little. “We’ll have to plan a belated birthday party.”  
Bella let out a surprised, unpolished laugh. Her muscles relaxed, just a little, and she moved closer to Alice. “I’ve got something even better for you.”   
Alice frowned, making Bella wonder if she had a hard time getting a grip on a vision about this.   
“How would you like to plan a wedding?”  
“A wedding?!”  
Bella held out her ringed hand. “My wedding.”  
Alice’s trust, not quite rewon, did nothing to counter her enthusiasm about wedding planning. It was as if she could turn part of herself off, the part of her that was angry with, and disappointed in Bella, and switch on another part - one that was deeply concerned with and highly skilled at wedding planning.   
So Bella hadn’t been quite prepared for the barrage of questions that came out of Alice’s mouth - words flowed into each other and all Bella could hear with this continued, medium-pitched zooming noise.   
“Alice.” Jasper’s low, calm voice broke through. Bella hadn’t seen him move, but he now stood behind the couch, letting a hand come to rest on Alice’s shoulder. “Slowly.”   
Alice blinked, once, twice, and then drew in a deep breath. “Right. So what kind of dress are you thinking of? We can base everything else off of that.”   
Before Bella could answer, Jasper murmured, “congratulations, Bella,” which Alice followed with a felicitation of her own, immediately followed by, “so, for a dress…?”  
Bella played with the ring on her finger, looking at it but not really seeing. “Uh. I haven’t given it much thought yet. It’s only been a few days.” She did her best to fulfill Alice’s request though, letting a few silhouettes pass her mind’s eye.   
“I hear we’re planning a wedding?” A quiet, soft voice broke through Bella’s musings and she turned her head, startled by Rosalie’s appearance on the door’s threshold. “Mind if I join in?”   
“Rose and Em get remarried every decade or so,” Alice explained to Bella. “She’s got some experience.”   
Trying to find an appropriate answer but coming up blank, Bella murmured, “how romantic.”   
Rosalie remained by the door, giving Bella the impression she was waiting for something. It took her a few more seconds to realise she was waiting for her permission. Embarrassed, she mumbled, “yeah um, come in.” _How is it that every time I think I’ve managed to communicate that I’m feeling overwhelmed by their family unit, they swamp me again? How much clearer do I need to be? I don’t want to be rude._  
“I’ll leave you ladies to it.” Jasper left the room. Bella’s space to breathe grew a little.   
“So… dresses?” Rosalie asked, her voice the nicest tone Bella had ever heard her make in her presence.   
“Um yeah so. Nothing cupcakey or um, too tight.” It was hard to think about what she wanted when she had never considered it before. “I guess I want to look… elegant.” _Like I fit in._  
“You have a great shape to do an A-line, or maybe something with princess seams,” Rosalie noted, studying Bella with such intensity that Bella felt her cheeks colour already. “How do you feel about glitter? Crystals?”  
“No. No to both.” _That was an easy question._  
“How about lace?”  
Bella nodded. “I like lace. Sure.”   
“Fabric type?” Rosalie continued, seeming to have found her element in questioning Bella.   
“Uh…”  
“Something that falls heavy with a lot of shape, or something that falls more lightly around you?”   
“Uh. Lighter, I guess. I don’t want to be restricted in my movement.”   
Rosalie gazed over at Alice, as if to confirm something, and Alice nodded. “Yes, I agree. Satin would be great.”  
Bella but her lower lip, “hey, um, before we… uh…” She wasn’t sure how to put her thoughts into words. “I know weddings are, uh, special and all that, but… Can we keep it small? Or at least be a little careful with the planning? I haven’t even talked to Carlisle about what he wants yet.”   
“He’ll want whatever you want,” Rosalie said in a decided tone. “Men have no say in weddings.”   
But through Bella’s mind, Edward’s words echoed: _“Do not discount Carlisle’s agency”._ She shook her head. “No. I mean it.”   
“He’ll probably still go along with what you want,” Rosalie countered, and her soft, somewhat friendly tone had faded into something more hostile - _defensive?_  
“Maybe,” Bella shrugged. “But I don’t want to… disregard his agency. It’s his wedding as much as mine. I’d like to keep it small-ish, if he can agree.”   
“How small is small?”   
“Just our families and a few friends,” Bella offered hesitantly. “No more than… 50 people?” That already felt large to her. “Honestly I’d prefer like, 20, but I can see how that probably won’t work.”   
“Let’s focus on your dress for now,” Rosalie murmured, “that’s the biggest thing anyway.”   
“Yeah,” Bella mumbled, surprised that she and Rosalie could agree on something.   
Alice grabbed her laptop to search the inventory of nearby wedding boutiques while Rosalie continued to whittle down Bella’s wishes with careful questions, eventually showing her some pictures of her own old wedding dresses on her phone as examples.   
By the time Bella went back to her cabin, night had fallen, and Bella carried a deep sense of relief home with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter both wrote itself, and gave me headaches. I wanted to fix things especially with Alice, yet keep a sort of delicate balance. The family dynamics will remain somewhat delicate for now, you'll see soon enough. But I'm not planning on creating more big issues.   
> Anyway, let me know what you think!   
> Next week's chapter is "Wedding stress".


	31. Wedding stress

People in Bella’s environment all responded positively to the engagement, though she felt like most of them did question the timeline every time she mentioned they were planning on early December. _Everyone thinks I’m pregnant. Why else would we plan a shotgun wedding?_  
It took her a while to call her mom - she was pretty sure Charlie had already informed her anyway. But when she did, Renee assumed what everyone else had assumed as well, only Renee did not have the social filter that made her keep her thoughts to herself, immediately throwing out a blunt, “oh, so when’s your due date?”   
Bella bit the inside of her cheek to help her keep her cool. “Never, mom. I’m not pregnant. We’re just getting married.”  
“Bella, you don’t have to lie to me,” Renee laughed.   
Bella breathed out as controlled as she could, repeating her earlier statement. “I’m not pregnant. We’re just getting married. Do you think you and Phil can make it for the ninth?”   
“You’re really not pregnant?”   
“I’m not.” Bella’s tone grew flatter the longer the conversation took.   
“Why the rush then?”   
“There’s really no reason not to,” Bella mumbled, looking over at Carlisle who sat at the other side of the kitchen table, across her. “We’re not inviting many people, it’s just gonna be a small celebration.” With some hesitation, she added, “we don’t want to make a big deal of it.”   
Carlisle raised his eyebrows as if to ask _not a big deal?_ and Bella just shrugged at him, holding up her ridiculously expensive engagement ring, threatening to slide it off. Carlisle laughed quietly.   
“But sweety, getting married is a big deal! Don’t you want to…”   
Bella put the phone down to let Renee ramble on for however long she wanted, tactically humming in the right places to give her the idea she was still listening. When Renee stopped talking, Bella picked her phone back up. “So you’ll be here for our wedding on the ninth?”   
“Of course, sweety. We’ll be there.”   
“Thanks mom. See you soon.”  
“Bye baby.” 

Charlie was much kinder about the ordeal. Bella brought by the invitation after work - Carlisle was going for a hunt, so Bella had plenty of time. On her drive over, she considered staying over for dinner, but decided to let that depend on Charlie.   
It was Charlie’s day off, and she found him in the kitchen, cleaning his hunting rifle, his other hunting gear off to the side - including smaller guns.   
She grabbed two beers from the fridge, cracked them open and set one down for him, one for herself. Gracelessly, she let herself sink down into one of the rickety kitchen chairs.  
“Drinking to survive the wedding stress?” Charlie joked lightly, and Bella laughed. “More to prove I’m not pregnant. It’s literally the _only_ thing people keep asking me. I’m _this_ close,” she held out her fingers from each other the tiniest bit, “to actually getting pregnant just to be done with it.”   
It made Charlie chuckle. “Come on, Bells, you wanted this.”   
Sinking down further in her seat, she sighed. “Yeah. I know. Anyway.” She dug up the invitation out of her bag. “Here.” It was a simple, dark red piece of cardstock - the colour inspired by the sweater Carlisle liked seeing on Bella - with champagne-coloured text.   
Charlie wiped his hands off on a piece of cloth before accepting the invitation. “The ninth, huh.”   
Bella nodded. “Yeah. It’s gonna be small, not too many people. Just some family and a few friends. It’s gonna be 30 to 35 people max.”   
“Alright.” He placed the invitation carefully in the windowsill. Seeing it displayed like that, a quiet action of pride and love for her, Bella felt emotion choke her up. Charlie pretended not to see, bending over his hunting rifle again. It gave her the time she needed to regain her composure. In a low, careful voice, she asked, “I know this is kind of a given but, you’ll give me away… right?”   
Charlie didn’t look up, but his quiet, muffled, “yeah,” was clear enough for her. Bella relaxed further into the chair, crossing her ankles and letting a comfortable quiet overtake the room for a few minutes to give Charlie the space to make any remarks about the upcoming wedding if he wanted to. When he didn’t, she asked, “did you hire someone to redo the bathroom yet?” The rest of the house was pretty much done and altered for his current needs. Bella hadn’t pushed for him to have a chairlift installed yet, though she’d strategically left some leaflets from companies in the area that could possibly do it when it was necessary.   
“Not yet.”   
“Alright.” Bella didn’t push. He’d get to it when he was ready for it. “Did you have any dinner plans?”   
Without looking up, Charlie said, “nope.”   
“I’ll cook us up something.” Bella finished her beer and got up to see what Charlie had in the fridge. It wasn’t much, but enough for an easy dinner. She put it out on the counter and texted Carlisle that she’d stay at Charlie’s for a bit.   
“Doesn’t he mind it when you don’t eat at home?” Charlie asked.   
Bella didn’t know what to say. “It’s uh, fine, he’s got other dinner plans today.” She slid her phone into her back pocket, adding a mumbed, “he still eats with the family every now and then.”   
Charlie just hummed. 

Shortly after sending out the wedding invitations, Bella handed in her two week’s notice at work. She’d stop working by December 1st, which gave her a week to pack up her home - she felt sad leaving the cabin behind, but there was no uncomplicated way for her to keep it. The idea was that she’d disappear, and keeping the cabin just didn’t make any sense in that scenario. Besides, she’d already fed most people the lie about New-Zealand, so even though it hurt her heart to say goodbye to her cosy little cabin, she knew it was the only option.   
So with a heavy heart, she started to pack up her possessions for the third time in less than two years. She started with things she wasn’t so attached to, like kitchenware and clothes she didn’t wear too much, then built her way up to more difficult things like her books. Carlisle was banned from helping her - doing this was a way for her to process all the things that soon would be happening - although he was always around to support her. He had greatly reduced his working hours and would stop working on the 6th - when he was around he helped her choose what things she’d bring with her, and what things could go into storage.  
She whittled her books down to one box, and packed her clothes in a large suitcase. Other than that, there were some small knick knacks she’d bring with her, but that was it.   
It was weird how the cabin had become a home to her so fast. She’d lived in Jacksonville and Phoenix with Renee, and spent summers in Forks with Charlie, but she’d never grown this attached to a house before. Maybe because this one was fully her own.   
“We’ll make the next house our own, too,” Carlisle said from the threshold of her office - or really, glorified book room.   
“I hadn’t realised I’d said that out loud,” she murmured to herself. With a sigh, she closed another box of books and turned towards Carlisle. “Do you think I’ll enjoy Canada?”   
“It’s really not all that different from here,” he promised. “Same weather, same type of house, just a little more secluded and with less family around. Everyone has their own house, but most of us use the family house.”   
Bella looked away, murmuring a non-committal “yeah,” trying to imagine a life in Canada. Even though the original plan had been Buffalo, Canada had better wildlife and was a lot less populated - the more distance between Bella as a newborn and humans, the better. Jasper, Alice and Edward would join them: Rosalie and Emmett had decided to do some travelling together and although Bella hadn’t heard anything from Esme, she was sure Esme would be fine - she’d been fine spending her time in Alaska so far, and somehow Bella doubted that that would change any time soon.   
Carlisle closed his arms around her, holding her close and surprised but happy with the gesture, Bella relaxed into him.   
“Just let it go for today. We can pack up more tomorrow,” he mumbled into her hair. “Too much stress isn’t good for you.”   
She reluctantly agreed.

Bella’s wedding dress arrived exactly five days before the wedding date. Although she knew that the odds that Alice and Rosalie had made any mistakes when they had carefully taken her measurements were infinitesimal, she was still nervous about, well, a lot of things.   
“Put your hair up in a bun,” Rosalie instructed, “that way we can try the veil too.”   
Bella hastily followed Rosalie’s instructions, tucking her hair away in a quick bun while Alice unzipped the garment bag for the dress. Bella had chosen an off white, almost light cream, ivory colour.   
“It’s perfect!” Alice exclaimed, making Rosalie snort. “She needs to put it on first, Alice.” She turned towards Bella. “Are you ready?”  
Feeling nervous, Bella shook her head. “Don’t let me rip it, please.”   
“You’ll be fine, Bella,” Alice said in an appeasing tone.   
Bella stepped closer and allowed Alice to help her into the dress. Rosalie politely turned her back, pretending to keep herself busy with the makeup collection she and Alice had laid out.   
With the dress on, both Alice and Rosalie allowed for Bella to have a moment to admire herself, remaining quiet. Bella admired her mirror image from all sides, slowly turning from side to side to see the detailing as she moved. Her dress really wasn’t anything special, yet somehow it was perfect for her. It was made out of a soft satin that had a light shimmer of its own, had a deep, plunging illusion back with gorgeous lace appliqued onto it, with small silvery buttons starting at the nape of her neck and going all the way down the back. It clung to her top half in a pleasing way without being overtly sexy or suggestive. From her natural waist out, the amount of fabric gradually increased, giving the skirt of the dress a soft, sweeping look. It had long sleeves and the fit of them was absolutely perfect - her movement wasn’t inhibited by them, yet they were tight enough that nothing drooped or hung the wrong way. When she stopped turning from side to side, Alice stepped closer to carefully pin the veil in her hair: it was made of lace and fine netting, with the lace framing Bella’s face and the rest of the veil swooping down across her back, ending at the same length her dress did. It wasn’t heavy though, and Bella once again slowly moved from side to side to see the effect the veil added to her dress.   
“You look breathtaking,” Rosalie eventually broke the silence, her tone carefully even, but not to hide dishonesty in it; it was an honest compliment. “Carlisle will love it.”   
“Thank you, Rosalie,” Bella murmured.   
“I agree,” Alice chimed in. “I think we’ll keep your hair simple for the day itself too, just a braided bun should be fine.”   
“I’d like that,” Bella mumbled her answer. “Thank you guys… again.” She moved her weight from foot to foot, feeling awkward as she added, “you’ve really helped me feel like I belong.”   
Alice laughed and all but flung herself at Bella, hugging her tightly. “As far as I’m concerned you’re already part of this family.”   
Rosalie kept her distance but smiled lightly, inclining her head in Bella’s direction as if to say _you’re welcome._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so much fun to write! Now that the story is coming to an end, I find myself writing in a sort of turbo modus; all the pieces are falling into place (at least in my head). If I upkeep my planning, we'll be looking at 37 chapters total, and I've already managed to write up until chapter 35.   
> Next week's chapter is: "The start of forever"
> 
> Let me know what you think about this chapter/your theories and hypotheses for the last few chapters!


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